It wasn't until I had children that I really understood what love meant. Don't get me wrong. I love Alex deeply, but it's different from the love I feel for Josh and Kristen. I don't know how to explain it and I don't know that I need to. All I know is that despite my illness, I nonetheless feel blessed, because I've been able to experience both. I've lived a full, happy life and experienced the kind of love that many people will never know.
But my prognosis scares me. I try to be brave around Alex, and the kids are still too young to understand what's really happening, but in quiet moments when I'm alone, the tears come readily, and sometimes I wonder if they're ever going to stop. Though I know I shouldn't, I'll find myself dwelling on the fact that I'm never going to walk my children to school or that I'll never get another chance to witness their excitement on Christmas morning. I'll never help Kristen shop for a prom dress or watch Josh play baseball. There is so much I will never see and do with them, and sometimes I despair that I'll be nothing but a distant memory by the time they get married.
How can I tell them that I love them if I'm no longer there?
And Alex. He's my dream and my companion, my lover and my friend. He's a devoted father, but more than that, he's my ideal husband. I can't describe the comfort I feel when he takes me in his arms, or how I look forward to lying down beside him at night. There's an unshakable humanity about him, a faith in the goodness of life, and it breaks my heart to imagine him alone. That's why I've asked him to give you this letter; I thought of it as a way of making him keep his promise that he would find someone special again-someone who loves him, and someone he could love. He needs that.
I was blessed to be married to him for five years and I've mothered my children for less time than that. Now, my life is almost over and you are going to take my place. You'll become the wife who grows old with Alex, and you'll become the only mother my children will ever know. You can't imagine how terrible it is to lie in bed, staring at my family and knowing these things, and realizing there's nothing I can do to change them. Sometimes, I dream that I'll find a way to come back, that I can find a way to ensure they're going to be all right. I like to believe that I'll watch over them from heaven, or that I can visit them in their dreams. I want to pretend that my journey isn't over and I pray that the boundless love I feel for them will somehow make it possible.
This is where you come in. I want you to do something for me.
If you love Alex now, then love him forever. Make him laugh again, and cherish the time you spend together. Take walks and ride your bikes, curl up on the couch and watch movies beneath a blanket. Make him breakfast, but don't spoil him. Let him make breakfast for you as well, so he can show you he thinks you're special. Kiss him and make love to him, and consider yourself lucky for having met him, for he's the kind of man who'll prove you right.
I also want you to love my children in the same way I do. Help them with their homework and kiss their scraped elbows and knees when they fall. Run your hand through their hair and assure them they can do anything they put their mind to. Tuck them in at night and help them say their prayers. Make their lunches; support them in their friendships. Adore them, laugh with them, help them grow into kind, independent adults. What you give them in love, they'll return tenfold in time, if only because Alex is their father.
Please. I beg you, do these things for me. After all, they are your family now, not mine.
I'm not jealous or angry that I've been replaced by you; as I mentioned already, I consider you a friend. You've made my husband and children happy, and I wish I were around to be able to thank you in person. Instead, all I can do is assure you that you have my everlasting gratitude.
If Alex has chosen you, then I want you to believe that I have chosen you as well.
Your friend in spirit,
Carly Jo
When Katie finished reading the letter, she wiped her tears and ran her finger over the pages before slipping them back into the envelope. She sat quietly, thinking about the words that Jo had written, already knowing she would do exactly as Jo had asked.
Not because of the letter, she thought, but because she knew that in some inexplicable way, Jo was the one who'd gently urged her to give Alex a chance in the first place.
She smiled. "Thank you for trusting me," she whispered, and she knew that Jo had been right all along. She'd fallen in love with Alex and she'd fallen in love with the children and she already knew that she couldn't imagine a future without them. It was time to go home, she thought, it was time to see her family.
Outside, the moon was a brilliant white disk that guided her as she made her way toward the jeep. But before climbing in, she glanced over her shoulder in the direction of Jo's.
The lights were on and the windows of the cottage were glowing yellow. In the painted kitchen, she saw Jo standing near the window. Though she was too far away to make out much more than that, Katie had the sense she was smiling. Jo raised a hand in a friendly farewell, and Katie was reminded again that love can sometimes achieve the impossible.
When Katie blinked, however, the cottage was dark again. No lights were on and Jo had vanished, but she thought she could hear the words in the letter being carried on the gentle breeze.
If Alex has chosen you, then I want you to believe that I have chosen you as well.
Katie smiled and turned away, knowing it wasn't an illusion or a figment of her imagination. She knew what she saw.
She knew what she believed.