"I should probably start cleaning the kitchen," Katie said finally, breaking the spell. She pushed back from the table. Alex heard her chair scrape against the floor, aware that the moment had been lost and wanting nothing more than to get it back.
"I want you to know I've had a wonderful time tonight," he began.
"Alex … I … "
He shook his head. "You don't have to say anything-"
She didn't let him finish. "I want to, okay?" She stood near the table, her eyes glittering with some unknown emotion. "I've had a wonderful time, too. But I know where this is leading, and I don't want you to get hurt." She exhaled, steeling herself for the words that were coming next. "I can't make promises. I can't tell you where I'll be tomorrow, let alone a year from now. When I first ran, I thought I'd be able to put everything behind me and start over, you know? I'd live my life and simply pretend that none of it ever happened. But how can I do that? You think you know me, but I'm not sure that even I know who I am anymore. And as much as you know about me, there's a lot you don't know."
Alex felt something collapse inside him. "Are you saying that you don't want to see me again?"
"No." She shook her head vehemently. "I'm saying all this because I do want to see you and it scares me because I know deep in my heart that you deserve someone better. You deserve someone you can count on. Someone your kids can count on. Like I said, there are things you don't know about me."
"Those things don't matter," Alex insisted.
"How can you say that?"
In the silence that followed, Alex could hear the faint hum of the refrigerator. Through the window, the moon had risen and hung suspended over the treetops.
"Because I know me," he finally said, realizing that he was in love with her. He loved the Katie he'd come to know and the Katie he'd never had the chance to meet. He rose from the table, moving closer to her.
"Alex … this can't … "
"Katie," he whispered, and for a moment, neither of them moved. Alex finally put a hand on her hip and pulled her closer. Katie exhaled, as if setting down an age-old burden, and when she looked up at him, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That he would love her no matter what she told him, and that he was the kind of man who loved her already and would love her forever.
And it was then she realized that she loved him, too.
With that, she let herself lean into him. She felt their bodies come together as he raised a hand to her hair. His touch was gentle and soft, unlike anything she'd known before, and she watched in wonder as he closed his eyes. He tilted his head, their faces drawing close.
When their lips finally came together, she could taste the wine on his tongue. She gave herself over to him then, allowing him to kiss her cheek and her neck, and she leaned back, reveling in the sensation. She could feel the moisture of his lips as they brushed against her skin, and she slid her arms around his neck.
This is what it feels like to really love someone, she thought, and to be loved in return, and she could feel the tears beginning to form. She blinked, trying to will them back, but all at once, they were impossible to stop. She loved him and wanted him, but more than that, she wanted him to love the real her, with all her flaws and secrets. She wanted him to know the whole truth.
They kissed for a long time in the kitchen, their bodies pressed together, his hand moving over her back and in her hair. She shivered at the feel of the slight stubble on his cheeks. When he ran a finger over the skin of her arm, she felt a flood of liquid heat course through her body.
"I want to be with you but I can't," she finally whispered, hoping that he wouldn't be angry.
"It's okay," he whispered. "There's no way tonight could have been any more wonderful than it's already been."
"But you're disappointed."
He brushed a strand of hair from her face. "It's not possible for you to disappoint me," he said.
She swallowed, trying to rid herself of her fears.
"There's something you should know about me," she whispered.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure I can handle it."
She leaned into him again.
"I can't be with you tonight," she whispered, "for the same reason I could never marry you." She sighed. "I have a husband."
"I know," he whispered.
"It doesn't matter to you?"
"It's not perfect, but trust me, I'm not perfect, either, so maybe it's best if we take all of this one day at a time. And when you're ready, if you're ever ready, I'll be waiting." He brushed her cheek with his finger. "I love you, Katie. You might not be ready to say those words now, and maybe you'll never be able to say them, but that doesn't change how I feel about you."
"Alex … "
"You don't have to say it," he said.
"Can I explain?" she asked, finally pulling back.
He didn't bother to hide his curiosity.
"I want to tell you something," she said. "I want to tell you about me."
17
Three days before Katie left New England, a brisk early January wind made the snowflakes freeze, and she had to lower her head as she walked toward the salon. Her long blond hair blew in the wind and she could feel the pinpricks of ice as they tapped against her cheeks. She wore high-heeled pumps, not boots, and her feet were already freezing. Behind her, Kevin sat in the car watching her. Though she didn't turn, she could hear the car idling and could imagine the mouth that was set into a hard, straight line.
The crowds that had filled the strip mall during Christmas were gone. On either side of the salon was a Radio Shack and a pet store, both of them empty; no one wanted to be out on a day like today. When Katie pulled the door, it flew open in the wind and she struggled to close it. Chilled air followed her into the salon and the shoulders of her jacket were coated with a fine layer of white. She slipped off her gloves and jacket, turning around as she did so. She waved good-bye to Kevin and smiled. He liked it when she smiled at him.
Her appointment was at two with a woman named Rachel. Most of the stations were already filled and Katie was unsure where to go. It was her first time here and she was uncomfortable. None of the stylists looked older than thirty and most had wild hair with red and blue tints. A moment later, she was approached by a girl in her mid-twenties, tanned and pierced with a tattoo on her neck.
"Are you my two o'clock? Color and trim?" she asked.
Katie nodded.
"I'm Rachel. Follow me."
Rachel glanced over her shoulder. "It's cold out there, huh?" Rachel said. "I almost died on my way to the door. They make us park on the far side of the lot. I hate that, but what can I do, right?"
"It is cold," Katie agreed.
Rachel led her to a station near the corner. The chair was purple vinyl and the floor was black tile. A place for younger people, Katie thought. Singles who wanted to stand out. Not married women with blond hair. Katie fidgeted as Rachel put a smock over her. She wiggled her toes, trying to warm her feet.
"Are you new in the area?" Rachel asked.
"I live in Dorchester," she said.
"That's kind of out of the way. Did someone give you a referral?"
Katie had passed by the salon two weeks earlier, when Kevin had taken her shopping, but she didn't say that. Instead, she simply shook her head.
"I guess I'm lucky I answered the phone then." Rachel smiled. "What sort of color do you want?"
Katie hated to stare at herself in the mirror but she didn't have a choice. She had to get this right. She had to. Tucked into the mirror in front of her was a photograph of Rachel with someone Katie assumed to be her boyfriend. He had more piercings than she did and he had a Mohawk. Beneath the smock, Katie squeezed her hands together.
"I want it to look natural, so maybe some lowlights for winter? And fix the roots, too, so they blend."
Rachel nodded into the mirror. "Do you want it about the same color? Or darker or lighter? Not the lowlights, I mean."
"About the same."
"Foil okay?"
"Yes," Katie answered.
"Easy as pie," Rachel said. "Just give me a couple of minutes to get things ready and I'll be back, okay?"
Katie nodded. Off to the side, she saw a woman leaning back at the sink, another stylist beside her. She could hear the water as it was turned on and the hum of conversation from the other stations. Music played faintly over the speakers.
Rachel returned with the foil and the color. Near the chair, she stirred the color, making sure the consistency was right.
"How long have you lived in Dorchester?"