Sacrifice(45)

“Why?” She ran her finger gently over a row of tiny pearls on the long train of the gown that had been folded carefully to the side.

She looked up at him then, seeing someone she didn’t know. This wasn’t the father she had fought for so many years. The self-righteous bastard who had, on more than one occasion, all but called her a whore.

He lowered his head slowly, shaking it helplessly as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his slacks.

“I’ve not been a father to you since you were five,” he said, almost too low for her to hear. “I won’t excuse myself. There is no excuse, Kimberly. I won’t make one. But I wanted you to know…” he swallowed tightly, “I always loved you. Even when I didn’t want to. When I tried not to. I loved you.”

He shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably as she lifted a slender envelope she glimpsed tucked beside the doll. Curious, she opened it, pulling the papers free. She scanned the legal documents in disbelief before looking at him again.

What the hell was going on here?

“It was always meant to be yours,” he snapped then. “If you had married a derelict from the streets, I would not have taken it from you. I married your mother for the money, I admit that. But by God, I didn’t get her pregnant for the money, nor was it an accident.”

He appeared angry, as he always did. His voice was rough, a little too loud, but this time she saw something she realized had always been there in the past. His pain.

“I can hear you,” she said softly. “Don’t yell at me, Father.”

He grimaced tightly, glancing away again. “I don’t mean to yell.” He attempted to throttle the sound. “My fellow cabinet members are forever chastising me for it. Sometimes, I don’t realize…” He broke off again.

“Why now?” She couldn’t figure that part out. “Why come to me now when I needed you years before?” Her voice was roughening with tears, and she hated that. She shouldn’t hurt; she shouldn’t care.

He cleared his throat again, shifting uncomfortably. “I read her diary. You left it out at Briar Cliff. When you renounced the estate, I was given a letter she wrote me before her death. I went to Briar Cliff to try to make sense of it, and I found the diary.” He blinked jerkily.

“When you were five, the evening of your birthday, she led me to believe you may not be mine. It’s no excuse,” he snapped furiously. “No excuse for what I did. But while I was reading her words, I realized we hurt you. In our selfish attempts to hurt each other, in my own moralistic, self-righteous belief of right and wrong, I had committed an even greater sin. I had denied the child I accepted on her birth. Shouldn’t have mattered if she had lied to me, or if she had truly cheated me. I accepted you. And I was wrong.”

He stared straight ahead as he spoke, his hazel eyes a bit watery, his hands bunched in his pockets as Kimberly watched him in shock, uncertain, confused. She glanced back down at the doll. It had taken longer than a few weeks for this creation. He would have to have commissioned it more than a year before.

“I don’t expect forgiveness,” his voice was rising again. “Don’t deserve it. But I wanted you know. I know what he does, that man you’re marrying. That Club he’s a part of. I know what it means. I don’t like it. You know I don’t like it…” He stopped, obviously attempting to control the volume of his words. “You’re my daughter. What you do in your privacy is none of my business… I just want…” He broke off again.

Kimberly stared back at him silently.

“One day…” he continued, “you might have children. Maybe a little boy, too. I want…” He cleared his throat roughly. “I don’t want to lose the chance to know your children, as I denied the chance to know you… Dammit, don’t cry woman. I won’t have those tears,” he yelled then.

Before Kimberly could respond he had jerked a handkerchief from his pocket and pressed it to her cheeks. A bit roughly, wiping at the tears before pushing it into her hands.

“Clean it up…” he snapped, gritting his teeth, lowering his voice. “I can’t stand to see you cry. Reminds me of too many things, Kimberly. Too much pain I caused in the past. Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“She tried to tell me at the end,” she sniffed. “And I misunderstood.”

He nodded bleakly. “I know. I heard what she said and I misunderstood as well.” He patted her head roughly. “I have to get back. I have work to do, girl. I don’t have time to stand around here. Just…” He swallowed tightly. “Be happy, Kimmie. That’s all I ever really wanted for you.”