“I’m so sorry. I made so many mistakes. Can you ever forgive me?”
He leaned in and rested his head on mine. “I forgave you a long time ago.”
I froze. I thought surely he had hated me for pushing him away. “You did?”
“Yes, I did. I had to.”
I pulled back from him some and the confusion on my face must have been evident because he tried to explain.
“Living with bitterness is like poison. I made a choice to forgive you because I knew you only did what you did to survive a tragedy. I also knew I couldn’t carry the weight of being bitter toward both you and me. What I’m still working on is forgiving myself.”
I grasped his hand and tried to give him a reassured look that it wasn’t his fault. “You can’t blame yourself forever, Brian. Just because we don’t have a name and face to blame doesn’t mean you have to blame yourself. Whoever took her is the person to blame. Not you. I know I never said that to you but I should have.”
He traced the skin on my hand with his thumb. “Thank you for saying it now.”
“You’re welcome. I’m sorry for waiting so long to tell you that.”
He released my hand and pulled his keys from his pocket. “I should go. I’m glad we ran into each other here today. It was good to talk about everything.”
My heart sank because in that second I knew my hopes of reconciling were futile. I had really lost him.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come back to the house and spend the rest of the day together?” I had to at least try.
“I can’t.”
I dropped my head and nodded. “I understand.”
“Listen, you have no idea how glad I am we talked. It was hard thinking you were continuing to feel hatred toward me. And I’m glad you finally understand how I felt and still feel.”
Looking back up at him I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. “I ruined us, didn’t I?”
“No, Danielle, you didn’t ruin us. Pain just changed us. That’s what pain does. It changes who we are; sometimes in good ways and sometimes not. Regardless, we are different now. I know I am, anyway. I can’t be the man you fell in love with or the man you married. I’ll always love you.”
He cradled my face in both of his hands, his warmth calming me. “You have to know I’ll always love who we were to each other. I’ll never regret loving you. But I have to learn how to be alone with myself and how to love the solitude of empty moments. I have to forgive myself before I can ever dream of being in a relationship again.”
Slowly and gently he leaned down, pressing his lips to mine. He took his time and kissed me with care. That kiss haunts me every day still because the moment he pulled away an overwhelming feeling of pure and utter loss rolled over me in waves. I stood there as he walked away. I didn’t move. I watched him as his image grew smaller and smaller until I could no longer see him anymore. Now, I only see him in my dreams. Sometimes, I see him in my nightmares, only he’s the one trying to help me in them. It’s always the same; me screaming for Willow and him holding me, rocking me back and forth, telling me it’s going to be okay.
I didn’t see Brian for nearly five months after that day. Finally I broke down and called him. He answered immediately but the conversation was awkward and forced. We hung up and I vowed to never call him again. Then the day came when I saw him walking out of a restaurant with a beautiful redhead in a slinky dress. Something uncontrollable came over me. I whipped over and parked on the side of the road. Rage filled my veins and my body acted like it was on auto-pilot. I didn’t think. I just reacted. I stormed up to him and the perfectly poised woman at his side. As soon as he saw me it was like fear slapped him in the face.
“Is this how you learn to get over it?” I waved my hand up and down in the direction of her tiny tight body. “Is this how you forgive yourself?”
Everyone around stopped and stared. Strawberry Shortcake gasped and gripped his arm.
“Danielle, what are you doing here?”
I stepped in so very close to him, completely disregarding the twit claiming him with the death grip on his arm. “I could ask you the exact same question. I practically fall at your feet, repenting for what I did, and you all but told me you couldn’t be with me anymore. This epic soul searching you had to do was your reason, yet here you are, only a five months later, with some girl in cheap hooker heels.”
“Hey, these were fifty bucks at the mall.” I glare at her and then laugh.
“You really know how to pick ‘em B. Real intelligent piece of work you’ve got hanging on your arm. Is she easing your pain? She making it all better for you?” I poked him in the chest. “Have you forgiven yourself so easily?”