Ryder frowned. “I felt dirty every time I walked through the front door of our home knowing the shit I came from. I didn’t want to taint you with it. You’re pure to me, and I didn’t want any of what I’ve been doing to affect you.”
“But it has affected me,” I whispered. “You… you made me think you hated me.”
“I never meant for it to go this far,” he stressed as he leaned forward and took my hands in his, shocking me as the familiar feeling of his calloused hands instantly soothed me. “I meant to distance myself from you just until this was done, and when we started arguing, I couldn’t stop the spiral. You, your sister, the other girls, you all mean everything to me, to my family. We agreed that keeping you in the dark was the best thing to do. Damien, too. We didn’t tell him anything because we knew he’d want to help us, and it was decided a long time ago he would never be involved with what we had no choice in. If anything went wrong and me and Dominic did go to prison then none of you could be implicated. You wouldn’t know about any of what was going on so they couldn’t try you as an accessory.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “This just doesn’t feel real.”
“I wish it wasn’t.”
Me too.
“You said you did want the FBI wanted, does that mean Brandon has been arrested?”
Ryder shook his head. “No, I got all the information I could, but they still don’t know any of his contacts, sources and distributors. Brandon never directly gave me my orders either, it was another man who told me what to do and where to go, so even if there was a bust, it wouldn’t trace back to him. Brandon was good to me, but he knew what I was doing in his gang, and why I was there. He was very careful during my time with him.”
Fear gripped me.
I gasped. “He could kill you!”
Images of pure horror flashed through my mind.
Ryder snorted. “He won’t, I think he found it amusing. He told me he doesn’t like rats, and said he had a bad habit of standing on them. I agreed with him and said I hated cops more because they were snakes in the grass. When I said it, I adjusted my shirt to show the indent of my wire and looked him in the eye. He quickly picked up on what information I was offering.”
I felt my jaw drop open. “You gave it away what you were there for? Why?”
“Because Brandon is fair… and I fucking hate cops, Branna. The Feds… they’re a whole different level of scum, they’d throw you under a bus to get what they want.”
“You eejit!” I snapped. “What if they know why you got shit information?”
“They’re none the wiser, they called time on my part in the operation the night you were… attacked. They told me that evening that after forty-eight hours they’d be packed up and out of the country, and I could go back to my normal life. That’s why I wanted to wait to tell you… in case they changed their minds.”
“I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I admitted. “It’s too intense.”
Ryder leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Branna,” he whispered. “Having you in my life has ruined yours.”
The touch of his skin against mine was like a jolt of electricity shooting through me.
I pulled back from him and looked into his eyes. “Don’t you ever say anythin’ like that to me again. You’re still everythin’ to me even though I’m furious with you. I’m angry and hurt, but it’s only because the thought of losin’ you kills me.”
Ryder’s face softened. “Why did you leave me if you don’t want to lose me?”
My shoulders sagged. “You left me no other choice. Either you told me what you were up to, or I had to leave. It has destroyed me to be apart, but livin’ the way I had been with you over the last year and a half has ruined me, too. I had no choice.”
Ryder slightly smiled. “I’ll fix what I’ve done.”
“I feel like your smile is a beautiful lie,” I whispered, “and that I can’t trust it any more than I can trust you.”
“But… but I just told you why I was the way I was.”
I nodded. “And I understand, but that doesn’t change anythin’ right now. I need space.”
“Don’t leave me on my own, Branna.” Ryder pleaded. “I’m begging you.”
“You’ve left me on my own for months whilst being right here with me, and I understand why, but it still hurts.” I countered. “Whatever we had faded to black.”
“No,” he hissed. “Nothing faded away because I still fucking love you more than life itself, and you love me, too. I know it.”