I look awful. I'm wearing sweats, and I haven't brushed my hair yet.
Not that he's faring much better. He looks awful. Like he's not slept at all. Unshaven with dark rings under his eyes.
"Hi," he says low, his voice gravelly.
My skin breaks out in goose bumps.
I wrap my arms over myself as our eyes connect. Ares's eyes are somber and soulful, piercing deep into my already-fragile emotions.
"I was just about to head out," my dad says, getting his jacket and keys. He walks over to me and kisses me on the forehead. "I'll call you later."
He gives Ares a sturdy pat on the shoulder as he passes. Then, he's gone, and I'm alone with Ares.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. My voice sounds as rough as his.
"Ari, I … " He drives a hand through his disheveled hair. Gripping the strands, he shakes his head and exhales a soft, painful-sounding breath. "I'm sorry, babe. So very fucking sorry."
He knows the truth. Someone told him.
A flash of anger runs through me. My eyes go to the door and then back to him.
"Did … my dad tell you?" The words are like rocks in my mouth.
He shakes his head. "No. I saw … Luke."
"Luke?"
"He came to my place late last night."
"How … did he know where you lived?"
"Money can buy you a lot of things in this city. And, apparently, my address is one of them."
"Oh."
"He came to give me a piece of his mind. And I'm glad he did. Because everything he said was right. It should've been me with you yesterday at the hospital. It should've been me listening to you when you were telling me the truth … believing you because you'd never given me a reason not to trust you. But because I'm so used to distrusting people, I … " He breaks off and blows out another breath. "I let down the one person I shouldn't have."
I wrap my arms tighter around myself. "I don't know what to say," I whisper softly.
"Tell me you'll forgive me."
I stare into his eyes, his endless eyes that desperately search mine.
And I shake my head. "I'm sorry, Ares. But I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me."
"I do trust you."
He steps up to me, hands curling around my upper arms. The feel of his hands on me … it's like he's burning me.
"I just let my own bullshit cloud my judgment. I made a mistake, and I'm so fucking sorry."
"I was drugged. Do you get that? I was drugged. I was pleading with you to believe me, and you wouldn't listen! You dismissed me. Yelled at me. You didn't listen to a word I'd said to you. You once asked me for the truth, full disclosure, and I promised you that … and I have never broken that promise."
"Neither have I."
"No. But you've let me down. The only reason you're here right now is because Luke told you the truth!" I stab a finger at the ground. "Not because you suddenly realized I was telling the truth. Not because you got over your initial anger and saw that I would never lie to you. No, you're here because Luke told you what had happened. And I have no doubt in my mind that you wouldn't be standing here right now if he hadn't." Tears are running down my cheeks now, showing my pain and frustration.
The guilt that sweeps through his eyes tells me everything I need to know. That I'm right. That he wouldn't have come. That he would never have believed what I had told him.
"You need to leave."
Panic flashes through his eyes. "Ari, please. I've fucked up, and I'm so sorry, babe. I hate that you're crying because of me." He lifts a hand to my face and cups my cheek, brushing away my tears with his thumb. His eyes plead with mine. "Please, Ari. Just give me a chance to make this right."
I look away from him. "I … can't."
"But … " I can hear him searching for words, and what comes out of his mouth next is entirely the wrong thing. "You screwed up before, and I forgave you."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I yell. I push his hand off me. "I can't believe you! You're comparing a white lie when I canceled on you because I was too ashamed to tell you that I'd been to a bar before we were even dating to this!" The words roar out of my mouth.
Surprise flickers through his eyes. He's never seen me angry. I've never seen me this angry. I'm so mad that I'm vibrating with it.
"You need to leave," I tell him again, low.
"Jesus, Ari … please. I'm just saying all the wrong things here. I'm messing everything up."
He comes back to me and takes my face in his hands. I look away from him, hating how much I want the feel of his hands on me.
"Ari, I love you. I love you so fucking much." His voice breaks, and something cracks inside me. "I've screwed up so badly. And you'll never know how sorry I am for that. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you'll let me."
My heart is aching and screaming and begging for me to say yes. It would be so easy to forgive him and take him back. But … what if he does it to me again? What if something happens again, and he doesn't believe me? And he won't because he doesn't trust me. He hurt me once, and he has the capacity to do it again. And I can't go through this again. Not with him. Because it will be ever harder later down the line.
If I love him this much now, in such a short space of time, imagine how I'll feel about him in a year … in two years.
It would break me.
And I can't risk that. Because I can't turn back into the girl I used to be. I'm barely hanging on now. It's taking everything in me not to turn to alcohol to numb this pain.
And staying sober has to be the most important thing. If I'm to have a future, it has to be the only thing.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly, my eyes refilling with tears, blurring my vision. "I have to think of myself right now … my sobriety. And I … I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me. Someone who's just waiting and watching … expecting me to fall."
I blink, sending fresh tears down my cheeks, and then I bring my eyes to his … and wish I hadn't. The raw emotion shimmering in his gaze almost breaks me. But I hold strong because I have to. It's the right thing to do. The only thing I can do.
So, I draw up all the strength left inside of me and say softly, "You were right yesterday … when you said we were done … because I don't trust you with my heart anymore. The one time I really needed you, Ares … needed you to believe me, and you let me down."
His hands slowly draw away from my face.
He swallows roughly and closes his eyes, a shaky breath escaping him.
Then, he turns and walks for the door.
I can't watch him leave. So, I close my eyes.
"Ari … "
I force myself to look at him. And it shatters my heart. The anguish on his face.
"I screwed up. But I've never stopped loving you. And I never will." He opens the door and steps through, and then he's gone.
Out of my life. For good this time.
In the days that pass, I can feel that sense of loss, like I felt after my mom died. It's a different sense of loss but no less difficult.
I guess, in some ways, it's hard, knowing Ares is out there, living his life without me.
I haven't been into work since Ares and I broke up.
My dad told me to take the next few weeks off work, and I didn't argue the point.
The last thing I need is to bump into Ares.
I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it when I do go back. But, for now, I'm not thinking about that.
And that is one of the problems about not having to go to work; I've got time on my hands, and all I do is think.
Mainly about Ares.
I haven't seen him since the morning I told him to leave my apartment. He hasn't called or texted. Not that I expect him to.
And it's hard. His disappearance from my life. I got so used to being with him. Spending time with him.
He was my best friend. I loved him. I still love him.
I'm just wondering when I'm going to stop feeling this way. Because being without him is like I'm slowly dying inside.
I've been trying to keep busy. So, I have thrown myself back into my painting.
I finally managed to finish the painting of me and Ares. I cried the whole time.
But it was cathartic, you know?
The final brushstroke was like the closing of that chapter in my life.
I have considered sending the painting to him, as I promised him that he could have it when it was finished. But that was when we were still together, and now, we're not. I don't know if he'll still want it.
So, for now, I'm hanging on to it.
Although it's in my hallway closet because looking at it makes me want to cry.
On the subject of things that make me want to cry, but more with anger … I received a call from Officer Knight, who had taken my statement about my complaint against Leo. She said that they had spoken with him, and he, of course, denied any wrongdoing. And they couldn't check the CCTV footage from that night, as there wasn't a working camera on the bar. So, it basically came down to my word against his. She apologized that there was nothing more she could do. I felt angry, but it wasn't her fault. She was just doing her job. So, I thanked her for trying for me and hung up.