“How did you know I have a daughter?” I asked, my heart racing in my chest.
“Someone at the clinic mentioned it, I think,” he said, shrugging.
“Oh,” I whispered. I was thankful for the darkness, because if he saw my face, it would have given everything away. “Yes.”
“Ok Maise… Can you let yourself out?” he asked. “My knee is shot after all this therapy,” he said with a little laugh.
“I think I can brave the elevator alone,” I said, doing my best to mask my emotions. I reached over and kissed him, and he drifted off back to sleep. Slowly, I untangled myself from his body and pulled myself from the comfort of his bed. I stood up and looked back down at him, wondering what he would think if he knew my secret, if he knew the truth.
He’d never forgive me…
I knew this deep in my heart, and that’s what kept me silent.
I drove home in a daze. And with a fucking huge red bow on top of the car. I’d tried to get it off, but I couldn’t do it by myself. When I got home, it was past midnight and I tried to pull into the driveway quietly. I didn’t want to wake Maddy. I couldn’t face her right now.
Guilt had gripped me on the way home. Not only was I starting to feel crushing guilt because of not telling Jesse the truth, but I was starting to realize how much I’d hurt Maddy in the process. I’d simply told her that her father wasn’t around, that he lived a separate life in a different place. She’d asked questions, and they’d gotten more detailed as she’d gotten older, but it wasn’t difficult to dodge them. As long as I stayed vague, I wasn’t lying.
I just wasn’t implicating myself in the process.
Somehow, things felt different now. I’d always told myself I’d done the right thing because I’d given Maddy a good life and I’d given Jesse a chance at fulfilling his dreams. And, because of Jesse’s thoughts on kids back then, I figured Maddy was better off without him in her life, if she wasn’t wanted.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my entire view on the subject changed. I didn’t want kids then, it was way, way too early, but I wasn’t about to do anything to change things. And once I heard her heartbeat, and saw her little skeleton on the sonogram screen, every thing told me I was doing the right thing.
By the time I held her in my arms, the doubts were completely gone.
Jesse’s reputation had kept that thought in place, too. I’d heard about all the women, the lifestyle he led, full of wild parties and luxurious vacations. A kid didn’t fit into that.
It still didn’t.
That’s why I sat in the Volvo in the driveway crying my eyes out before I went inside.
My heart was full of love and dread, all at the same time. I’d fallen hard for Jesse, and I’d set up a perfect storm of lies and betrayal, so that even if he did think he wanted to be with me now, he’d hate me once he found out the truth.
I’d broken my own heart. And I was the one that had to pay for it.
By the time I’d gotten inside, my eyes were swollen and red, but thankfully Eddie was fast asleep on the couch, so I didn’t have to face him. Maddy was sleeping peacefully in her bed, too. I kissed her gently on the forehead and went to my room to sleep a few hours before I had to face the two of them in the morning.
I was thankful for the time I’d spent with Jesse, but I was glad to spend some much needed time alone, because my head was spinning with confusion. Happiness and love and guilt and shame and lust and desire and passion…I was a mess.
I was lost.
All I could do was hope that once I woke up, the magic that Jesse and I had stirred up tonight somehow found a way to make everything right.
27
JESSE
“No, bigger,” I said to the florist on the other end of the phone. “Look, just send everything you’ve got in your store over. Except for carnations, those remind me of funerals.”
“Everything in the store, sir?” the bewildered woman asked. “How much would you like to spend, sir? Five hundred dollars?”
“What? No! More like five thousand. I want her entire house filled floor to goddamned ceiling.”
“Five thousand?!” she exclaimed. “Yes, sir! I’ll get right on it, sir. What’s the address?”
I rattled off the address I’d gotten from Maria and gave her my credit card information.
“And the card, sir?” she asked. “What would you like the card to say?”
I thought about it for a moment, and then smiled to myself while I told her what I wanted the card to say before hanging up the phone.
Last night had been amazing with Maisey, and I’d woken up without her this morning feeling like a huge piece of me was missing.