But now that Jesse had woken up that side of me, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to shove it back in its cage after he was gone. But I couldn’t think about that right now. Because the thought of him leaving had gone from something I was eager to happen to something that hurt to think about. None of that matters, though.
My life doesn’t have room for Jesse in it. Not in any long term way. And I didn’t fit in his world either. We were two completely different people, living two completely different lives, and it had always been like that. Nothing could ever change that.
I’d known it ten years ago and I knew it now. That was one thing I couldn’t pretend wasn’t real.
And the reason for that was waving and running at me right this very second.
I was so pleased to see a smile on Maddy’s face today. Her ponytails bounced around her head as she jumped into the back of the cab with me.
“Hi, Mom!” she kissed my cheek, and settled in to put on her seatbelt as the driver drove away from the curb. “I love taking a cab home! Can we do it every day?”
“Well,” I groaned. “At least for a few days until I can figure out how to get our car fixed.”
“Can’t we just buy a new one?” she asked.
“No, honey. We can’t afford that right now,” I said. After paying for the roof over our head and her medicine, I was barely making ends meet. Extra expenses like new cars weren’t in the budget.
“Well, I don’t care. I like this,” she said, smiling at me and then looking out the window. I couldn’t help but stare at her in a new light today. Her blonde curls, those blue eyes…I reached over and touched her soft hair, pulling her close for a hug.
“I love you, baby,” I said. “How was school today?”
“It was alright, I guess,” she said.
“Just alright?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she murmured.
“What happened, babe? Was it Sara again?”
“Yeah. Sara and Brittney, too.”
“I’m sorry, baby. Were they making fun of your inhaler again? I think I should talk to the principal, Maddy. This can’t go on.”
“No, that wasn’t it. Not this time,” she said, looking away from me.
“Then what?”
“They were - well, they were making fun of me because I don’t have anyone to go to the fifth grade dance with.”
“What dance? You didn’t tell me about a dance, Maddy. And you’re only in the fifth grade, since when do you need a date for that?”
“It’s um… It’s a father daughter dance.”
“Oh. I see,” I stiffened. Maddy had taken the fact that she didn’t have a father in stride, but I knew things like this would come up eventually. It was something I’d told myself I’d deal with when the time came.
I guess that’s now.
“I can take you, honey,” I said, gently.
“You’re not a man,” she replied, her voice filled with sadness.
“Well, that’s true. How about Eddie?” I asked. “Eddie’s a man.”
“Yeah, I guess. He’s not my father though…” her voice trailed off and I stared over at her, contemplating how to fix this.
It was all my fault. I got that.
I’d known I’d have to pay for my decision eventually, and yet the timing was so damn awful that it made me want to cry.
“I’ll ask Eddie, honey,” I said, rubbing her shoulder and pulling her closer to me. I didn’t have any other answers for her.
All this time, it’d just been me and Maddy, and that had been enough. She’d never really questioned me. Once, when she was five, she asked me if she had a father and I told her yes, but he wasn’t a part of our lives. That answer had been sufficient then, but it probably wasn’t anymore. I was surprised, though, that Maddy had never asked any more questions as she got older.
But with this new development, I had the distinct feeling that my time was very close to being up.
And what the hell would I do then?
“Darling, it’s so good to hear from you!” Eddie gushed through the phone. “It’s been over a week and you haven’t called! You must be up to something good!”
I smiled at the sound of his voice. He was the most expressive person I knew. I could see almost see his smile through the phone.
“Not really,” I said, feeling guilty for lying. He’d faint if I told him the truth, right before bitching at me for not telling him sooner. “How about you?”
“Well, I’ve been in rehearsals for the new revue we’re putting on at Charlie’s. It’s already sold out for the first weekend - can you believe that?”