“I HAVE SEEN A LOT of nasty shit, oops, I mean stuff. Daddy needs to learn to watch his language, but that black tar in your diaper takes the cake.” I hear Kayne before I even open my eyes.
When I crack them open, I watch silently as he wraps AJ up in a little blue blanket and lifts him from the hospital’s bassinet.
“I know you’ve only been here a few hours, but I think now is a good time to have our first talk.”
Kayne sits down in the rocking chair in the corner of the room and proceeds to talk to the tiny bundle nestled in his arms. AJ looks even smaller when he holds him, like an oversized peanut.
“First, and this is extremely important, always keep your head down and hands up in a fight.” He lifts one of AJ’s little hands to his face. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that that’s the first piece of advice he shares with his son.
“Second, ketchup is delicious on eggs. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Especially Mommy.
Third, don’t be afraid to talk to girls. Uncle Jett may need to help you with this in the future. Daddy isn’t very good at it. It’s the only thing Daddy isn’t good at.” The arrogance is blatant in his voice. Heaven help me.
“Lastly, and this is the most important, it takes courage to love. Mommy taught me that. She’s the strongest, most resilient person I know. She was brave enough to love me, and it changed my entire life. So try to be a good boy for her. I already give her enough grief.” Kayne’s tone gets softer as he kisses AJ’s forehead. He’s so sweet with him I could melt.
“When did you learn to swaddle?” I ask, interrupting the love fest.
Kayne looks up at me and smiles the most brilliant smile I have ever seen.
“While you were sleeping. The little man and I were having some quality father-son time.”
“And how is that going for the two of you?” As if I didn’t already know.
“Amazing.” Kayne glances down lovingly at AJ. “How do you feel?”
“Better.” I sigh. “I want to see him.”
Kayne walks AJ over to me. He handles him like a natural. When I take my first good look at his little face, my heart nearly explodes with joy. His eyes are open and alert, and he’s trying to fit his entire fist into his mouth. I think someone’s hungry.
“He’s so perfect, Ellie,” Kayne breathes.
“He is,” I agree.
Ten tiny fingers and toes, a little mouth shaped like a heart, and vibrant blue eyes just like his daddy.
Kayne sits down on the edge of the bed, reluctant to give AJ up. “For nine months, I felt like a spectator, and now that he’s here and I can actually hold him, it all suddenly feels real.” Kayne draws his gaze away from the infant. “How did this happen?” he asks in awe. “How did this become my life?”
I laugh softly. “Evolution?”
“No.” He shakes his head resolutely. “A miracle.”
“Knock knock,” a soft voice rasps just before Jett, Layla, Beckett and a very pregnant London walk into the room. She’s having a girl, and they’re naming her Shia.
Kayne turns his head, and clears the emotion from his throat before he faces our extended family.
“I want to see!” Layla rushes to Kayne, and stands on her tippy toes. He leans in slightly to show the children AJ.
“Baby.” Beckett giggles trying to touch him.
“There’s going to be one of these in your house soon,” Kayne tells him.
“They can’t wait,” London informs us, putting a loving hand on Becks’ blond head. He returns a little chicklet-toothed smile.
Kayne hands me AJ and steps back so Jett and London can get a better look. I cannot put into words what it feels like to hold my child. It’s surreal. A manifestation of two people who’s more beautiful and more perfect than I ever dared to imagine.
London caresses AJ’s sweet little cheek with the tip of her finger. “I love him already, Ellie.”
“I do, too,” I reply, brimming with emotions I never knew I had.
Kayne and Jett just look on like two proud lions protective of their pride.
“You’ve done good, grasshopper.” Jett elbows Kayne.
Kayne clenches his jaw and flares his nostrils. “Please don’t make me kill you. I don’t want to shed blood on such a happy day.”
Jett laughs melodramatically. “Like you could ever kill me.”
London and I just roll our eyes in response to our husbands’ ceaseless banter.
No matter how crazy or life-altering the moment, some things will just never change. . . .
C.S. LEWIS ONCE SAID, “LIFE is too deep for words, so don’t try to describe it, just live it.”
That quote simplifies my whole existence. It reminds me to let the past be the past, let the present be the present, and let the future be the future. For a man who loves control, I’ve learned sometimes you just have to let go. I’m not afraid to do that anymore, because I know if I fall (which I do a lot) there is always someone there to catch me. And she catches me every single time.
I watch Ellie playing with AJ in the backyard from the kitchen. He wants her to pick him up, but she’s doing everything in her power to keep him on the ground. She’s eight months pregnant with our second child, and I know she’s exhausted. AJ demands most of her attention. The two-and-a-half-year-old is as aggressive as his father and as loving as his mother. He’s the perfect split, right down to his looks. My face with Ellie’s green eyes and light-brown hair.
“Okay, time for some juice and a rest.” She carries AJ into the house.
“Dwink! Dwink!” he demands.
“Bossy little thing,” Ellie comments as she grabs a juice box from the refrigerator and then sits AJ on the countertop next to me. “Wonder where you get that from?” she jokes with him, and he smiles from her playful tone.
I smile, too. What can I say? Like father, like son.
“How’s my girl?” I put my arm around Ellie as AJ sucks down his apple juice.
“Busy.” She grabs my hand and puts it on her stomach so I can feel the flutters. “She always knows when you’re close. She’s a daddy’s girl already. I’m going to get replaced pretty soon.”
“No one could ever replace you.” I lift her chin with one finger. “When I asked how my girl was, I meant you.”
“Oh, well, in that case, I feel fat, bloated, and completely unattractive.”
“Nonsense. I see sexy, alluring, and completely gorgeous.”
“Daddy needs his eyes examined,” she says flippantly to AJ, once again causing him to giggle.
As much as she complains about being fat and tired and pregnant, to me she really is the sexiest thing in the world. No amount of chains or collars or restraints can compare to the way she looks in a sundress with a baby growing in her belly.
Being a father changed me profoundly. I always thought I saw Ellie, but I didn’t. Not really, not the way I see her now. I’m completely consumed with love—love for her, love for our children, and love for this life I was miraculously blessed with. Love that envelops me, sustains me, and grounds me. Before Ellie, I thought I knew my fate—a faceless man living a life undercover, just drifting along. But that’s the funny thing about life. You never know what direction it’s going to shove you in. I never thought I would fall in love, never dreamed of getting married or having a family, yet here I am with an amazing wife, a beautiful son, and a daughter on the way. I don’t think words can express the depth of my happiness. The monumental gratitude I feel every time I look at my family. My family. The idea was such a foreign concept, but now that I have everything I never knew I wanted, I would do anything to keep us together. Keep my children safe and my wife happy. Anything. I killed for Ellie once; I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.
“Cupcake!” AJ squeals. “Mommy, pwease! Pwease! Cupcake!” He points to the miniature, chocolate frosted cupcakes sitting on the counter.
“Okay, just one.” Ellie picks him up and places him in his high chair.
“Sugar before sleep? Always works for me,” I tease her.
“Good because you’ll be the one putting him down.”
“Oh?” I laugh at her as she peels off the wrapper and hands AJ his fudgy treat.
“Yup.” She licks some frosting off her finger.
As I watch my son devour his snack, I can’t help but think how one simple lick of a cupcake tilted my world on its axis and spun it in a completely different direction. Yes, life definitely is too deep to be described, it can only be lived.
“Kayne, what are you thinking about?” Ellie asks intuitively.
I possessively slip my arm around her waist and pull her against me. “Just how much I love cupcakes.”
THE END