Ding!
And the first lady up is . . . the Duchess of Perth, Laura Benningson. I’ve known Laura for years; she’s beautiful, with thick light-brown hair and sparkly light-blue eyes.
She was engaged to Mario Vitrolli, a professional race car driver and a good man, up until last year when he was tragically killed in an accident on the track. Laura was pregnant at the time and lost the baby a few weeks after Mario’s death, though thankfully, that part was kept out of the papers.
I lean over the table and kiss her cheek. “How are you, dove?”
She gives me a smile still tinged with sadness. “I’m all right. This is a bit crazy, though, isn’t it? I don’t know how they plan to address my obvious non-virginity. Everyone we know knows about the miscarriage.”
“According to the producer, that’s the magic of reality television. A bit of creative editing and they can make any reality they want. If it makes you feel any better, I’m not a virgin either. They were shocked when I told them. Just shocked.”
Laura laughs, and it feels good to make someone really laugh for a change.
“Anyway, you can relax, Henry, I’m not vying for the throne—I think I’d make a terrible queen. I’m too lazy and self-absorbed.”
“And too honest.”
“Exactly.” She sighs. “But, when they approached me, I just felt like it was time, you know. To try to move forward. Maybe have some fun. It’s a strange thing to do, but I decided to give it a try.”
I put my hand over hers. “I’m glad you did.”
She squeezes back. “So am I, now.”
Laura’s a yes.
Ding!
Lady Cordelia Ominsmitch. She’s the daughter of an earl, and while she’s known in my circles as a serious partier, she maintains a stellar reputation to the outside world. And she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Big blue eyes, bouncy hair, and even bouncier tits. My type of girl.
As soon as the curtain lifts, she gets right to it.
“We’ve never met, Your Highness, but we could be good together. Hot together. I’m everything you need in a wife and a queen. I have the looks, the education, the pedigree, and the temperament. I’m also a virgin.” She winks. “Tight as a drum. Until I marry, I’ve promised myself and the Lord to only do anal.”
I choke on my drink.
Definitely a yes.
Ding!
Jane Plutorch. Cousin to a duke and heiress to a fortune built on wart cream—Wart Away is the official name, I think. She’s also seriously Goth. Black lipstick, black hair, ivory skin, piercings, and ink up and down her arms.
“I hate my family,” she says without any inflection at all. “And they hate me. They made me come here, mostly because they didn’t want to look at me. I only agreed because I thought it’d be fab to live in a castle. Like a vampire.”
“I can respect that,” I say. “And you have great taste in tattoos.”
She glances at her arms, and it’s as if it takes all her energy just to keep breathing.
“Thanks.”
She’s a yes.
Ding!
Lady Elizabeth Figgles. Her father’s a viscount and a member of Parliament, and she’s also Sam Berkinshire’s—an old schoolmate and one of my dearest friends—girlfriend.
“Elizabeth? What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Sam?”
“Sam can go fucking die.” She looks right at the camera. “Are you getting this? You can go fucking die, Sam! I hope your prick gets caught in a wood chipper, you cheating bastard!”
“He cheated on you? Sam?”
Sam’s a great guy. The kind of guy even really good guys want to be more like. He makes Abraham Lincoln look like a lying shit.
“Your face right now, that’s exactly how I looked when I found out—but a hell of a lot angrier. I found receipts, knickers that weren’t mine, rubbers. Faithless, worthless son of a bitch.”
She bangs the table and her nails are long enough to double as claws.
“Now I want Sam to see what it feels like. So I’m going to fuck you. On television. A lot. Hopefully live. You’d better rest up, Henry. I brought lube—a whole bucket of it.”
Wow.
Ding!
Penelope Von Titebottum. Her mother’s a reclusive countess, but Penny is pleasant, fun, attractive. And her sister is . . . interesting.
“Hello, Henry, how’ve you been?”
“I’m good, Penelope. You look well.”
She bounces in her seat and smooths her hair. “Thank you! I’m just so excited to be here. We’re going to have so much fun.”
“That’s the plan.”
“And I can’t believe we’re going to be on television! All over the world. It’s amazing.”