“No. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care what you say or do. I’m staying right here, right where I belong.” What the hell? Shouldn’t she have been livid with me for the things that I said downstairs.
“I’m no better than her, Noelle, no better than that monster of a mother you have. I’m always one word away from exploding. I’m not a good person. I’m not what you need in your life right now, probably not ever.” I was breaking, separating straight down the middle. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I couldn’t stop the words from coming.
“You… you need to stay away from me. You need to find someone that will treat you like the angel you are. God, you deserve so much more. A man that will take care of you and give you the world. Not a monster always on the verge of destruction.”
I couldn’t even look at my own reflection in the mirror. I didn’t want to see the person I was, or the things that I would do just to be able to forget myself. Moving here was my mother’s idea, and it might have seemed like a good idea to her at the time, but I could guarantee that when she found out what I was about to do, she wouldn’t think that anymore. The boundaries have been drawn in the sand for some time now, and Noelle was pushing those boundaries. Testing the waters as if she was going to jump in head first.
“I’m not leaving.” She was resilient, and it turned me on as much as it pissed me off.
“I’m not like everyone else. I refuse to walk away just because you tell me to, and you’re nothing like my mother, so never compare yourself to something that isn’t comparable.” God, her voice was like salve over a fresh burn wound, melting away the pain with every slick slab of the goop against my flesh.
That thought only reminded me more of everything that I couldn’t have with her. It was then that I heard the sound of the door knob being jiggled, the door opening fully, her image coming into view in the mirror. Her eyes were soft, and I could see just exactly what it was that she was trying to show me. They were filled to the brim with kindness and love. I couldn’t believe after everything she had been through tonight that she was standing behind me, concerned for me of all people, carved deeply into her features.
“Noelle…” I barely got her name out as I leaned over the sink, my forearms digging into the marble vanity. It pained me to say her name, almost like it was a sin to speak of something so pure, from such an evil mouth.
Trying aimlessly to release myself of the war I was waging inside myself, I allowed the tension of it all to fill my body, every breath reminding me of the raging inferno that boiled deep inside my heart. It was so hard to keep hold of my anger with her standing so close to me. Just being near her caused a calmness in me that I’ve never felt before. I wanted to give into that goodness, but couldn’t allow myself that indulgence.
“I’m not leaving you here, Royal, and there is nothing you say or do that will change my mind about it.” She didn’t sound weak, and the challenge in her eyes terrified me told me I would have to force her out. Hurt her, just to prove my point. A deep ache formed in my chest. It felt like someone was stabbing me with a blunt knife, twisting and turning without a care in the world to the pain that I would feel.
“Noelle,” I repeated her name again, this time with much more force, and more pain echoing from her name.
“If you want me to leave then you’re going to have to force me to leave.” I lifted my fist without warning or thought, slamming it down, trying to relieve some of the pain inside of me. Trying to push her away, to scare her, so I wouldn’t have to end this.
The thought, made me want to…
“I know you won’t hurt me, Royal. I believe in your ability to protect me. You wouldn’t hurt me.” Her voice was so warm, so convincing. She wasn’t convincing me, though, she was convincing herself. I felt her soft small hand slide up my back, my entire body tensing as her fingers splayed across my shoulder. I knew she was just trying to calm me, to reassure me, but I couldn’t handle that right now. Her touch alone was like sticking my hand into a burning flame, wanting to play with the delicate flickering light, but knowing that it would burn, the pain of it searing through my soul.
I squeezed my eyes shut, the tightness causing a blackness to cover my mind. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do, I had to end this. End it before I made things worse. It would be for the better for both of us, no matter what way you looked at it. I couldn’t make things better for Noelle, being the person I currently was. I was far too fucked up for someone as good as her. I just didn’t get why she was the only one that didn’t see that. Everyone she knew told her to stay away from me, Including myself. She was just so fucking keen on breaking the rules. Being a rebel.