Rowdy(70)

Cora and the girls knew something was majorly off, but I couldn’t seem to get the words out to explain everything that was racing around inside my head and clattering around in my heart. I just told them that my sister had shown up unexpectedly and that her husband had been hurting her, so I was stressed out about the situation. They were all smart women and I’m sure they could read between the lines, but they were all kind enough to just let me have a night out and not force me into spilling my guts over a situation that was eating me alive.

I needed a minute to think, some time to figure out what I was doing and how I was going to handle being in love with someone that might very well never be able to love me back, but it was hard because I missed him. I didn’t like not talking to him. I hated going to bed alone and I felt like a real asshole because my poor dog kept looking at the door wondering where his playmate was. No one had ever said relationships were easy, but somehow I didn’t think they would be this hard or this heartbreaking either.

On top of it all, Poppy was giving me a hard time. I think she knew I was pulling back, pushing space between Rowdy and myself because of her and because of my own hesitation, and she didn’t like it one bit. She told me no less than ten times she would not be the reason I sabotaged my own happiness. She reiterated over and over again that things had never and would never be like that between her and Rowdy. She told me to open my eyes and look at what he had done. He had been brave enough, wanted me enough, to take the risk on starting something with me even though he knew there was a chance I wouldn’t stay in Denver for very long. Poppy insisted that for him to do that was a true sign of how much he cared for me, and I couldn’t argue with her but I also didn’t know if it was enough.

On Friday, Sayer and I sat down in a really posh restaurant located really close to the shop and she fed my own words back to me as I begrudgingly told her the details of the entire situation.

“He’s worth it.”

He always had been but that didn’t mean I was as brave as he was and ready to put it all on the line just to end up his second choice. I had never loved anyone after I loved him when he was my only source of joy in my youth and I doubted I would ever be able to love anyone beyond him. He had become my source of everything as an adult.

Unable to think about any of it anymore, I switched the subject and asked Sayer to tell me more about growing up with the man that had left his son in no-man’s-land rather than claim him as his own. As she gave me a glimpse into her history I started to think Rowdy may have gotten off lucky and his idea that everything happened for a reason might be valid. There had to be a greater reason for him ending up next door with the Ortegas than just because. He never would’ve been able to withstand the chilly upbringing and frozen parenting Sayer had been subjected to. It sounded hauntingly familiar and even worse than my own home had been.

I told her about my own father and how his rules and ironfisted control over my family had driven me out of the house in desperation and explained to her why that had left such a lasting impact on Rowdy over the years.

“He was so little when his mom died. He doesn’t really remember much about her, but from what he does, I think she was wonderful to him. All he says is that he remembers her being really happy and always smiling. He said her smile could light up a whole room. When she was ripped away from him and he ended up in the system, I don’t think anyone knew what to do with a wild kid that was being eaten alive by grief. He just felt so alone.” I sighed and noticed that Sayer was blinking really hard to keep her emotion in check. “I remember one day after school I found him sitting on the porch of our house. He was only eleven or twelve at the time and he was really upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me they were doing a family history project in one of his classes and that the other kids were teasing him because he only had one branch—him. I could see he wanted to yell about it, to cry at the unfairness of it all, but it was just like he had accepted that everyone he loved was gone and he would be on his own forever.”

I shook my head and picked up the glass of wine I had been working on with dinner. “I told him the tree just wasn’t done growing yet. He would add to it as he got older. He would fall in love, have kids, have in-laws, and make his own St. James orchard. I think it helped at the time but then I turned around and blew out of town and my sister turned him down when he offered to marry her, so neither of us exactly helped ease his long-held fears about being left by the ones he loved the most.”

She grinned at me and picked up her own glass of wine. “I would be happy to be a branch on that tree. We could help each other in never being alone again.”