“I’m glad I’m here, too, and I think it’s awesome that you found your way back to Rowdy even if it took a really long time.”
It was funny she used the word “found,” because all of a sudden I felt more lost than I ever had been. I didn’t know how I had missed my sister being abused and my dad being a tyrant to the point he could ignore the fact that his child was being hurt. I don’t know how I had missed that whatever was percolating between me and Rowdy when we were younger was something more important and went so far beyond kinship and camaraderie than I ever thought. And maybe most importantly I didn’t know exactly how I felt about the fact that the ghost that was always hovering between Rowdy and me was here in the flesh and going to be impossible to ignore, for both of us.
CHAPTER 13
Rowdy
I NEEDED TO GO home and take a shower and wash the sweat and sunshine off of my skin, but I wasn’t in the mood to be alone, and the one person I wanted to be with was currently accompanied by the one person I never thought I would see again. That being the case, I headed to the one place where I knew there would be someone I could commiserate with and would feed me booze even on a mellow Monday afternoon.
The Bar was actually pretty busy considering it was still an hour or so before happy hour and Mondays weren’t generally big crowd days. The regulars were all lined up in their usual spots at the bar but there was also a group of younger guys gathered around the pool tables in the back that were being loud and ridiculously boisterous. Asa was watching them with careful eyes as I made a place for myself among the grizzled war vets that sat sentinel at the scarred bar top.
“They seem fun.” The sarcasm was heavy in my voice as Asa set a beer in front of me and narrowed his eyes even further as a chorus of hoots and hollers went up as Dixie dropped off a trayful of drinks.
“I don’t know where they wandered in from but I wish they would find their way back there.”
“You need a bouncer to keep the peace.”
“Rome used to handle most of the rowdies.” He snorted as I lifted my eyebrow at the twist on my name. “But with the baby and Cora, he isn’t here as much as he was before. I don’t have any problem cracking a head here or there, but I have a record, so I have to watch myself.”
“Hire someone to do it if Rome isn’t able to.”
He moved down the bar to make a round of drinks that Dixie called for and came back wiping his hands on the back of his jeans.
“Rome mentioned some guy he was in the army with. I guess the guy is getting discharged soon and talking about heading here. I think he’s holding the spot for him. You know Rome won’t pass up a chance to help a fellow soldier out if he can.”
I nodded and picked at the label on my beer with a fingernail. “He brought the baby hiking today when we rolled up into the mountains. You shoulda seen him. This giant, burly soldier that looks like he could move the entire mountain range with his bare hands toting around this little pink bundle all wrapped up in bows and sweetness. She’s so small in his hands and he holds her like she’s glass. They’re a good team and it’s obvious RJ has her daddy wrapped around her finger.”
“Rome’s a lucky man. He deserves every bit of good that comes his way after everything he sacrificed in his life.”
I pushed the edge of my hat up and looked at him because I really wanted to know his answer to the question I was about to ask.
“Is that what it takes to be rewarded by fate, to find real happiness in life? Sacrifice?”
Asa’s gold eyes shined speculatively. “I don’t know. Maybe. I know I’ve never lived a life where I ever put anyone or anything before myself. I can’t see a way that I deserve to have the kind of life Rome has or even the kind of real thing Ayden has with Jet. And you know what . . . ?” He leaned on the back of the bar across from me and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m good with that. I’ve never done anything to deserve what they have.”
“What about turning it around? Being here now and helping Rome out, cleaning up your act so that Ayden doesn’t have to live her life wondering what’s going to happen to you or what kind of trouble you’re going to drop on her doorstep? That doesn’t equal repentance and a chance at real happiness and goodness for you?”
I hated to think the past was going to forever define the future for anyone. For Asa especially, because under all his easy charm and reckless demeanor I thought he was a really good dude.
“I’ve said it before, just because I can act right and be an upstanding guy doesn’t mean that’s what my default setting is. It’s work every day to remind myself what I have to lose if I fall back into old habits, but it’s always there—the temptation to take the easy way—the desire to think only of myself. That isn’t the kind of man that deserves anything good and real in his life. Pretty sure that if I ever got my hands on something that looked like it was meant to be, I would probably destroy it. Just ask Ayden. I always manage to destroy the good in my life.”