Brooke looked confused. “Oh, are you…?”
“God, no. Just, you know, someday.” She linked her arm through Seth’s and beamed up at him. A hint of a smile played around his lips as he stared back.
“O-of course,” the other girl stammered.
“Listen, I’m about to fall down from exhaustion, let’s go sit and—”
Stephanie, who had just begun to breathe again, jumped all over Macy’s suggestion. “Yes! Let’s all sit down for a few minutes. Seth, Macy, I have drinks and snacks out for you guys. You must be starving. You can freshen up, and we’ll go see Nana.”
“Any change?” Seth asked. “I’d rather not wait.”
“I know, sweetie, but she’s stable. Let’s take care of you first.” She bustled them into the kitchen like the mother hen Seth had said she was. Macy didn’t miss the mouthed “thank you” she sent her way as they took places around the dining room table and a smorgasbord of chips and sandwiches and drinks.
It was still awkward, and that awful tightness continued to hang in the air, but the fear that violence might erupt at any moment slowly ebbed. The situation had been addressed. Scott seemed to know Seth hadn’t forgotten and wasn’t going to forgive. The two of them hardly looked at each other, spoke even less. Macy, Brooke and Stephanie carried what conversation there was.
Under the table, she sought out Seth’s hand, held it tight. He didn’t eat. His constant fidgeting and checking his watch plainly said he didn’t want to be here, and Macy couldn’t help thinking if she wasn’t here, he would get in his car and go to the hospital, where he wanted to be. She was holding him up.
Leaning over, she put her mouth close to his ear. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
He nodded and stood, pulling her with him, telling the others they’d be back. They walked out front to where his car was parked, Macy crossing her arms against the chill the weak late-February sun couldn’t eliminate. A headache was blossoming at the back of her skull and she pulled out her ponytail holder. For a moment they were silent as cars passed on the street and a group of kids biked by them. She barely even knew where to begin.
“I’m sorry. If you want to go, let’s go,” she said at last. “Sam and Candace can pick me up at the hospital.”
“It’s all right. I friggin’ hate hospitals, and I’m sure you do too, so no reason to subject you to that. Are you cold?” He made a move to unzip his hoodie, but she stopped him.
“I’m fine. And really, it’s not a big deal. But Seth? I so wish you’d warned me what I was walking into.”
The look on his face said she didn’t need to tell him that. “Fucked up, right? You handled it like a champ, though. Thank you for that.”
She gave him a little smile and flipped her hair back in an I-ain’t-scared gesture. He chuckled. “So I guess you don’t want to talk about it now, either,” she said.
“Well, it’s out there. You got any questions, shoot.”
“I take it this girl… How did it go? Was there a competition for her between you and your brother, or what?”
“I guess there was, only I didn’t know about it. She left me for him. It’s been…Christ, almost seven years. They took the pussy way out, practically disappeared into the night together, and I hadn’t laid eyes on either of them since. Until today. Had no idea she’s pregnant.”
“You loved her.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still?”
She would have thought he’d expect that to be the next logical question to leave her lips, but he looked staggered by it. Her heart sank. Hostility between him and his brother she could understand. You just didn’t do that to someone you cared about. If he wanted to carry the grudge around with him for the rest of his life, that was his business. Unhealthy, maybe, but his business.
How he felt about another woman while Macy was becoming increasingly more involved with him was her business.
“It’s like I can’t disentangle my feelings for her from my hatred for him. Does that make sense? I can’t say that I love her, no. But I’m always gonna hate him. Every fucking day, I’m gonna hate him. When I think about him, I have to think about her, and I get pissed off all over again.”
“Do you hate him because of her, or was that the nail in the coffin?”
“He was always an asshole. But then, so was I, so can’t blame him there. I don’t know. We never had much more than toleration between us, even before shit went way south.”
“So…the tattoos, the music, the piercings…I mean, what are you trying to do, distance yourself as much from your twin as possible?”
“Jesus, Macy. I am who I am. Not to rebel, not to piss anyone off, and damn sure not for any fucking reason related to that douche bag in there.”
“That wasn’t… I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
Now that the can of worms was open, though, he couldn’t seem to put the lid on it again. “I guess my brother was an upgrade. Same package, bigger ambitions. And she was right, too, wasn’t she? As it turns out. So…whatever.”
“What are you talking about? As sure of yourself as you’ve always been, you can’t possibly believe that.”
“I know what I believe about myself.” He gestured toward the house. “But I also know what they believe about me.”
“Well, who cares about them, then?” One corner of her mouth tugged upward. “Fuck them.”
It was worth it to see his eyebrows shoot up, to see a genuine grin brighten his face. All it had taken was an f-bomb from her. But his next words had her losing her own smile, and he wouldn’t look at her as he said them, instead watching the toe of his boot dig into the ground. “You would wreck me, you know that?”
“What?”
“If you ever run some shit on me like she did. I’ve known it from the start. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. I’ve crashed and burned too many times, but here I am, asking for more.”
Her heart lurched. She stepped forward and grasped the zippered edges of his hoodie, making him look at her, waiting until she had his full attention again before she spoke. “Hey. I’m not her. I’m not anything like her. Don’t project that onto me. It’s not fair, and you know it. As soon as I put together what had happened, I was disgusted. If you think I’m that kind of person, that I would do something like that to you, then…” Then what? If he was that wary and mistrustful…what future would they have?
His fingers were surprisingly warm as he reached up to take hers. “Now, I shouldn’t have said that. Dammit. It just…brought a lot back. Seeing them. I’m sorry.”
“Maybe this will give you a chance to work through some things.”
“Right. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Where did you go after that night, that very first night we were together?”
Macy’s breath caught as shame burned through her middle. His dark eyes searched her face.
“You quit talking to me,” he went on. “More than that, you avoided the shit out of me. Do you remember what you said to me, after we were done? You told me not to tell anyone.”
That’s right, she had. It wasn’t as bad as it sounded, though, he had to know that. She shook her head, but he continued. “What, I was good enough to bang a few orgasms out of you, but I wasn’t good enough for your friends to have a clue?”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m not one to talk about stuff like that, even with my best friends. Ask Candace and Sam when they get here, if you want. I didn’t know if you were the type to run and brag to Brian you’d got it on with his girl’s best friend. Yes, I was a little embarrassed and a little confused and wondering what the hell was up with myself. But my asking you not to tell anyone wasn’t commentary on you. It was on me. I promise.”
She hadn’t meant to hurt him. She hadn’t thought she would hurt him, or even that she could. Back then, especially, he’d seemed so…invincible. Impervious. Yeah, she’d really thought he might boast to his buddies that he’d managed to nail Candace’s frigid best friend in his backseat, and she would die of mortification, and that would be that. But no. As far as she knew, he hadn’t breathed a word of it, and he wouldn’t have even if she hadn’t asked it of him.
Reaching up, she captured his face between her hands. She could look at that face forever, she realized. So full of character, so beautiful. She’d laughed more with him in the past couple of weeks than she had in the entire year. And she had to leave him. The thought of not touching him, not hearing his laughter in her ear or seeing that devilish glint in his eyes for who knew how long, laid her heart wide open.
“I’m really going to miss you,” she said, hating how banal it sounded. If those damn threatening tears began to win out, she was going to have to let them. They would speak more for her feelings than her voice ever could.
A little bit in love, my ass.
“Macy…” Her transition into his arms was seamless; she didn’t know if she went into them or if he pulled her in first—it was simply a fluid, instinctive motion. As if they both knew she belonged there.