No, she had never had a world to crash down. George had never loved her. He had never pretended to. She had always known his interest was a mixture of gratitude, liking, lust, and protectiveness. Each fine in its way, but all falling far short of love.
She had lost nothing by agreeing to marry him.
Yes, she had. She had lost the fairy tale. She had lost the dream that he would sweep down and carry her off to a magical kingdom where everything was wonderful. She had always known that such a world didn’t exist, but she had hoped it might.
Now she knew it didn’t exist for her.
So she had a choice. She could marry a man who didn’t love her, or she could take her chances and stay in Austin. She thought of the money in her pocket. She could go to San Antonio or Brownsville. She was a good-looking woman. Surely she could attract the notice of some honest man, a man of principles she could learn to like and respect.
Like and respect! Had she drifted that far from her dreams? Was there no chance she would find someone she would love?
Even if she found such a man, how would he feel when he learned her father had fought for the union ? And he would learn of it. Somebody would tell him.
She felt her heart grow heavy. She knew she’d never escape the Yankee epithet. If she went north, she was a Rebel. If she stayed in Texas, she was a Yankee. If she did find a man to marry her, he and his family would always look down on her. Maybe even her own children. She couldn’t stand that.
Wouldn’t it be better to marry George? He respected her. She loved him. Wasn’t that better than marrying someone she didn’t love?
It might be better not to marry at all.
But she wanted to marry George. She could feel her pulse beat a little faster at the thought.
She could accept George’s offer, or she could continue to struggle to escape the Yankee epithet and the townspeople’s persecution.
For a moment Rose felt like screaming with rage. Why should she be forced to choose between two kinds of hell? Why couldn’t she be given the chance to live her dream?
Rose made herself calm down. Screaming wouldn’t solve anything. Neither would complaining about her lot in life. She had a choice to make.
George had offered to marry her. She might never know what prompted him, but he had undoubtedly done it to protect her. If she were going to refuse him, she owed him the courtesy of doing it quickly, before it made him look ridiculous in the eyes of the town.
Just thinking about it made her feel like crying. He was always getting himself into trouble because of her. He had hired her to protect her. And now he had offered to marry her for the same reason. What could she do for him in return?
She could protect him.
Not just from the Reconstruction officials. She could protect him from his brothers. They would use him all his life if someone didn’t stop them. Especially Jeff.
And she could also protect him from himself.
That was a fair trade, wasn’t it? Pragmatic. Logical. Unemotional. Rational.
She stifled a sob of pain. She wanted to fling herself down, wail aloud that she wanted to be loved and cherished, to be the center of his universe, but it would be a waste of time.
He liked her. He admired her. He wanted her. That ought to be enough.
It had to be. It was all she had.
But even as she prepared to go out, even as she checked her face in the mirror to make sure her eyes showed no sign of crying, she realized she hadn’t given up hope that George would come to love her.
Her hope would never die. Regardless of the obstacles, regardless of how impossible it seemed, as long as she was alive, she would hope.
As long as she could be near George, there was a chance her dreams would come true.
The moment the door closed behind George, his expression of happiness changed to one of disgust.
He was sickened by what he’d just done.
He had known for years why he had to remain a bachelor. It wasn’t a decision taken lightly. Nothing had changed, yet he had asked Rose to marry him, even though he knew he was a disaster waiting to happen. And now it was waiting to happen to Rose, the one woman above all others he didn’t want to hurt.
How could he ask her to marry him, even to protect her? If he really cared for her, he would move heaven and earth to keep her from wasting her life on somebody like him.
As much as he needed her, as much as he enjoyed being with her, as much as he liked and admired her, as arresting as he found her beauty, as much as he desired her body, he didn’t love her. There was no excuse for what he’d just done, even to protect her. If he’d been as smart as he thought he was, he would have found another way.
Knowing how she felt about him, what he had just done went beyond thoughtlessness. It transcended all his doubts about himself, his family, and his career. He had asked her to share a life he had no intention of making. It didn’t matter that he’d done it without thinking, just like his father used to do. It didn’t matter that he’d done it for all the right reasons.