My mood had been all over the place throughout the day, alternating between feeling sorry for myself and Bea, to feeling proud and excited for him. In this particular intimate moment, I felt compelled not as his lover—but as his friend—to help him understand that he deserved this opportunity that he’d worked his entire life for. He had nothing to be sorry for. That was how I knew I truly loved him, because in the eleventh hour, all I wanted was to take away his guilt and make him feel good, regardless of how much his leaving hurt.
“Nana would be so proud of you, Justin. She always used to tell me that she believed you were destined for greatness. When you go out there, don’t even think about how many people are watching, just sing for her, sing to Nana…do this for her.”
“She’d be pleased with how you turned out, too, Patch…all you’ve undertaken. The mother you’ve become despite how shitty your own mother was. Nana would be so damn proud. I’m so damn proud.”
With Bea now fast asleep on his chest, Justin leaned in to kiss me. He began to devour my mouth, firm but tenderly. We kissed for several minutes, careful not to wake Bea.
He spoke into my mouth, “I want to make love to you so badly right now. But at the same time, I get why you think that would make tomorrow even harder. I don’t know if I could ever walk out of here after that.”
“I don’t think Bea would allow it right now anyway. She looks too comfortable.”
He looked down at her and smiled. “You’re probably right.” He turned to me, his blue eyes luminescent in the darkness. “Promise me a few things.”
“Okay.”
“Promise me that we’ll video chat at least every other day.”
“Sure. That’ll be easy.”
“Promise me that if you get lonely, you’ll call me any time—day or night.”
“I will. What else?”
“Promise me that we won’t keep anything important from each other and that we’ll always be honest with each other.”
That one made me feel a little queasy as I started pondering what things he anticipated having to be honest with me about.
“Okay. I promise.” I swallowed. “Anything else?”
“No. I just want to sleep next to you and Bea tonight. Is that okay?”
“Of course.” I took his hand. “It’s going to be okay, Justin. We’ll be okay.”
He smiled and whispered, “Yeah.”
Justin placed Bea between the two of us. As she lay in the middle, Justin and I looked into each other’s eyes until sleep finally claimed us.
***
When I woke up the next morning, panic hit me for a brief moment because Justin was gone from the bed. Looking at the clock, I calmed down, realizing it was only 9AM. He wasn’t scheduled to leave until around noon.
The smell of his signature coffee brewing wafted up the stairwell and immediately made me sad. It would be the last time I would smell his coffee fusion for a long time.
Feeling my eyes getting watery, I took my sweet time before going downstairs, hoping to regain my composure before then. I did some mindless things: cleaned the bedroom, threw a load of laundry in, anything than to have him see me break down. Bea was watching me from her Exersaucer as I ran around my room like a maniac.
Justin walked in as I was vacuuming my rug. I wouldn’t look up at him as I moved the vacuum back and forth.
“Amelia.”
I pushed it along the carpet faster.
“Amelia!” he yelled.
I finally looked at him. He must have seen the sadness in my eyes because his expression slowly darkened. I just stared at him as the vacuum continued to run, even though I’d stopped moving it. A teardrop fell down my cheek, and I knew I had officially lost my ability to hide my feelings.
He slowly approached and shut off the vacuum, his hand lingering over mine which was still gripping the handle.
“I’ve been waiting to have coffee with you,” he said. “I need to have breakfast with you and Bea one last time before I leave. It’s my favorite thing in the world.”
I wiped my eyes. “Okay.”
“It’s fucking okay to be sad. Stop trying to hide it from me. I won’t hide it, either.” His voice cracked a little. “I’m so fucking sad right now, Amelia. The last thing I want to do right now is leave you guys. But time is running out. Don’t waste it hiding from me.”
He was right.
Sniffling, I nodded. “Let’s go have coffee.”
Justin lifted Bea into his arms as he closed his eyes tightly and breathed in her scent as if he wanted to burn it into memory. When he pulled back, he lifted her up into the air as she looked down at him. “Are you my Bumblebee?”