He was silent for a long time then looked into my eyes. “Nothing happened, Amelia.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation.”
He spoke louder, “I don’t? Are you kidding yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem to think that I can’t see right through you. I saw your face when she showed up. You were scared. Why can’t you admit that? Why can’t you admit that you’re just as fucking scared of what’s been happening between us as I am?”
I don’t know.
When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “We took a walk on the beach…talked. Then, I drove her to the train.”
“You were gone so long. I just assumed…”
“That we were somewhere fucking? No. I drove around for a while alone just to think.”
“I see. What did you and Jade decide?”
“She thinks the real reason I ended it was because I’d found her hanging out with that guy, but that’s not the truth. I’d gone to New York with the full intention of breaking things off before I even saw her having dinner with him.”
“You explained that to her?”
“I couldn’t be completely upfront about everything.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’d have to admit stuff to her that I haven’t even admitted to you…and I didn’t want to hurt her even more.”
“Things like…”
“Remember what I said about cheating?”
“That if you have the urge to cheat on someone, it’s better to just break up with that person?”
“Yeah. Well, I had the urge to cheat…with you…multiple times last summer. I thought that maybe you becoming a mother would somehow make me see you in a different light now, make me less attracted somehow, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s been the opposite. You’ve never been sexier to me. But even if nothing were to happen between us, my attraction to you is a sign that something was off between Jade and me. You shouldn’t covet someone else like that if you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s an indication that something is missing, even if you don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t believe in dragging things out if the outcome is already determined in your mind.”
“Is Jade okay?”
“Not really.”
It really did pain me to know that she was hurting. I felt bad for her and remained confused about where things stood with Justin and me.
“What do we do now?” I asked.
“I’ve already told you what I want to do.”
“I thought this morning you said you came to the conclusion it was a bad idea, that you didn’t want that with me anymore.”
“I never said that. What I meant was that I was out of line in the way I presented it to you. I was being overly aggressive because I felt threatened, came on to you like a caveman. I never explicitly said I didn’t want it, and for the record, neither did you.”
“I explained my reservations…”
“And I understand them. I fully get why you’re afraid to take things to a sexual level with me. The logical side of me thinks you’re right, but the illogical side of me doesn’t give a fuck and is only thinking about lifting you over my face right now and making you come while you ride my mouth.”
Those words hit me straight between the legs.
He went on, “The fact that you just squirmed in your seat is proof that you also have an illogical side. Maybe our illogical sides need to meet sometime.” He leaned into me and grinned. “But not tonight. Despite your threatening to find a fuck buddy…you’re not ready. That would be like jumping over all the letters of the alphabet from A to Z.”
“You’ve been watching too much Sesame Street with Bea.”
“Fuck. Maybe. Anyway, you’re at level A right now. My dick is at level Z. And it doesn’t match up. That was one of the things I figured out on my drive tonight. That you’re not there yet despite all your talk about hotel sex.” He got up. “I’ll be right back.”
When he returned, he was holding something behind his back. “What’s the one thing we did when we were younger whenever we were in a shitty mood or just didn’t know what the fuck to do with ourselves?”
“We’d watch The Big Lebowski.”
He displayed the DVD from behind him. “Bingo.”
“I can’t believe you still have that.”
“Always have it on hand.”
“I’ll pop some popcorn,” I said, eagerly running to the kitchen, relieved that the tension in the air had lessened. He was right. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to lose him, but as much as I wanted him, I wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship with him or anyone.