My body was in flux upon his admission, unsure of whether to feel turned on or sick to my stomach.
He continued, “Ever since that day I caught you watching me in my room…I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.”
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. But the thing is…I couldn’t even be mad at you, because you watching me jerk off was just about the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.”
Wow. I didn’t think he felt that way about it.
“I figured you thought I was perverted.”
“I would’ve done the same thing if I walked by your room and saw you touching yourself.”
“You have a beautiful body, Justin. It was hard to look away.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“What do you mean?”
“When you were watching me. What were you thinking about?”
Since he was being so honest with me, I decided to tell him the absolute truth. “I was imagining that I was with you.”
His breath hitched, and he turned away for a moment before making eye contact. “Have you always been as attracted to me as you are now?”
“Yes. But even more so now. I know it’s wrong, Justin.”
“Right or wrong, we can’t help who we’re attracted to. I don’t want to want you like this. Just sitting next to you right now is hard for me. But wanting someone and acting on it are two different things. That’s why when you were touching my hair, I had to stop it.”
“I really wasn’t trying to sleep with you. I just missed touching your hair. That’s all. It was selfish.”
“Believe me, I understand. I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve looked for excuses to touch you, too. But I have a girlfriend. We have a good life in New York. There’s no excuse. I’m starting to feel like my father, totally out of control with no concern for anyone else.”
“You’re not your father.”
“My mother was just as bad.”
“Well, you’re not your parents.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, either, Patch. I’m so fucking confused. This situation with sharing the house makes things very awkward.” He closed his eyes for a long moment before continuing, “Maybe we should work out an arrangement next year.”
“Arrangement?”
“Yeah, like maybe we alternate months, so that we don’t have to be here at the same time.”
It felt like he’d punched me in the heart.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Let me get this straight. You can’t trust yourself around me, so you don’t want to physically see me ever again?”
“That’s not it.”
“Then why else would you not want to be around me?”
He raised his voice, his tone bordering on angry. “Do you really enjoy hearing me and Jade fucking?”
“No. But—”
“Well, I don’t want to hear you fucking anyone, either. I’m trying to protect both of us here.”
My blood was boiling. “So, you’d rather just not see me at all?”
“I didn’t say that. But coming up with a schedule is something we should at least consider. I think that would be a smart option.”
The words were flying out of my mouth. “As hard as this has been for me, I’ve never once considered that. That’s the difference between us. I would deal with any amount of discomfort that it took in order to have you in my life. I would never choose any option that involved pretending you didn’t exist. I would take any fragment of you than nothing at all. Clearly, you don’t feel the same about me. So, you know what? Now that I know that…I’m perfectly good with a schedule.” Hot tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Fuck, Patch. Don’t cry.”
I held out my hand as I stood up. “Please. Don’t call me that name ever again.”
He buried his face in his hands and yelled into them, “Fuck!”
I stormed into the kitchen and opened the bottle of tequila, pouring myself another shot. I didn’t bother with the salt or lime and instead just drank it straight.
Justin grabbed the bottle before I could pour another. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.”
“That would be none of your concern.”
The door clicked open at that very moment. Both of our heads turned toward it simultaneously.
His face turned practically white before he flashed the fakest smile and said, “Jade!”
She ran toward him so fast before wrapping her arms around him. “I couldn’t wait till tomorrow. I missed you so much.”
She planted her lips on his, and his body stiffened. You could tell he was uncomfortable kissing her in front of me after what went down tonight.