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RoomHate(34)



I told him stories about my time at UNH and how I chose to major in education because it felt like a solid choice, not because it was something I was passionate about. I admitted that even though I enjoyed teaching, it felt like there was something missing, something else I was supposed to be doing with my life that I hadn’t figured out yet.

Amped up on the coffee, we had literally talked through the night. I was still wearing the black dress from my date. At one point, I went upstairs to use the bathroom. When I came back down to the kitchen, he was sitting on a stool by the window, tooling around with his guitar.

The sun was starting to rise over the ocean. His back was facing me as he started playing Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. I leaned against the doorway, listening to his soothing voice. The more I paid attention to the lyrics, the more they seemed metaphorical. The past decade had been like a long season of darkness and regret when it came to Justin and me. This reconnection was really like the sun coming up again for the first time in a long time. Of course, he’d probably just chosen to sing it because the sun was literally rising. Still, I couldn’t help where my mind travelled, especially on no sleep.

Stop falling in love with him again, Amelia.

How exactly was I supposed to change how I felt? I couldn’t. I just needed to learn to accept that Justin was with Jade. He was happy. I needed to somehow figure out how to be his friend again without getting hurt in the process.

When the song finished, he turned around and saw that I’d been watching him.

I walked over to where he was sitting and gazed out. “The sunrise is beautiful today, isn’t it?”

“Really beautiful,” he agreed, except he wasn’t looking at the sun at all.





CHAPTER 8





Jade was arriving tomorrow, and that was making me feel very much on edge.

I needed to talk to someone, so I coerced my friend and co-worker, Tracy, to come for a visit to the island. She met me for lunch at the Brick Alley Pub in town. I hadn’t seen Tracy since right after the school year ended. With her kids’ busy summer schedules, she hadn’t been able to break away until now.

The first half of our lunch date was spent over nachos, giving her the full back story of my history with Justin and rehashing what had happened at the beach house up until now.

“God, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes,” she said. “What are you going to do?”

“What can I do?”

“You could tell him how you feel about him.”

“He’s with Jade, and she’s a really good person. I can’t try to make a play for him right under her nose if that’s what you mean. I won’t do that.”

“But he obviously wants you.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Come on…the song he dedicated to you? Sure, he didn’t know you heard it, but clearly he’s got lingering feelings.”

“Lingering feelings are one thing…acting on them is totally another. He’s not going to leave his gorgeous, talented, Broadway star girlfriend, who’d been there for him when I wasn’t, just because some old feelings were rekindled. Jade’s a great girl.”

“But she’s not you. He’s always wanted you. You’re the one that got away.”

“I’m the one that ran away. He won’t forget that. He might learn to forgive me, but I don’t know that he’ll ever fully trust me. It’s not fair of me to expect him to.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. You were a kid.” Tracy took a bite of her corn chip and spoke with her mouth full, “You said you’re not selling the house, right?”

“No. We agreed to keep it. That’s what Nana would want.”

“Then whether he stays with Jade or not, this house is going to bind the two of you forever. Do you really want to spend every summer for the rest of your life watching the man you love moving on with other women?”

My heart felt like it was breaking in two. Flashes of many summers turning into winters ran through my mind on fast forward. The idea of that sounded daunting. Year after year of unrequited love for someone I couldn’t have was not something I wanted to endure.

“You’re not helping my dilemma. I was hoping you’d talk some sense into me, help me realize that I need to accept things the way they are and move on.”

“But that’s not really what you want, is it?”

No. No, it isn’t.



***



Tonight was my night off. I didn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved that I’d be missing Justin play. We’d kept our distance since the all-nighter. It was for the best, since things were teetering on inappropriate that night—at least in my head they were.