“You didn’t tell me that you were dating Pierce Braden. Chiara mentioned it the other day, but until I saw you at the mall, I thought it was just a rumor.” He pointed to the client he’d just finished working with. “Greg. Great job.” He gave the guy a thumbs-up.
“No rumor. It’s real.”
“He seemed like a good guy. Chiara raves about how he treats all of his employees. Talk about luck, going from your car to dating the richest guy in Reno.”
“It’s not like that.” She stopped doing crunches and sat up, sweat beading every inch of her skin. “In fact.” She inhaled deeply, trying to calm her breathing from the difficult workout. “He didn’t know about me living in my car until you mentioned it.”
“Oh, shit. Really?” He pushed a hand through his short hair. “I’m sorry. Geez, I should have recognized the way you ran off without him when I mentioned the car, but I was only thinking about getting my new phone. I hope I didn’t screw things up for you.”
“Only in my head.” She wiped the sweat from her brow with her forearm.
“What does that mean? Were you dating him when you were still staying in your car?” Andy’s eyes widened, and when she didn’t answer right away, his voice grew more serious. “Rebecca?”
They walked to the water fountain, and Rebecca drank mouthfuls of cold water.
“Yeah. I was.”
“And you didn’t tell him? Was he pissed?” Andy gave her a hand towel and a bath towel.
Rebecca wiped her face. “No.”
“I’d have been,” he admitted.
“Why? What business would it have even been of yours where I was staying?” She knew she should have told Pierce, but hearing it from Andy just drove that regret deeper and pissed her off.
Andy leaned against the doorframe. “Are you really asking me that? Aren’t relationships all about trust? Rebecca, you of all people know this crap.” He lowered his voice. “Remember when that girl I used to date came in every day for a week and tried to get me to start seeing her again? You told me to tell Chiara even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s different. She could have misunderstood and thought you were cheating or leading her on if she found out from someone else.”
“Now that I’ve been with Chiara for so long, there’s no difference in my eyes. I think, if anything, he’d have a right to feel like you didn’t trust him, and you know what that does?”
Oh God, really? Why did I open my mouth? “Go ahead; burst my bubble.”
“Hey, you know my motto. Anything worth having is worth the pain it takes to get it.” He nodded as if doing so validated his creed. “I know you, Rebecca. You’re a good egg. You’re honest to a fault—usually, anyway—but you’re also overly sensitive.”
She rolled her eyes. She hated being called overly sensitive, but Andy had pulled that card before, and he knew her well enough that denying it wouldn’t work.
“You know that keeping something from him is the same as lying, which tells me that you didn’t tell him because of the whole sensitivity thing that you hide behind.”
“Hide behind?” She glared at him.
He paused while a woman walked past and then lowered his voice. “Rebecca, don’t you see? This is way bigger than you being worried about how people see you. It was just you and your mom for so long. Rebecca and Magda Rivera against the world. It was hard. It was all-consuming. And you and I both know that even though you wanted to be the one caring for your mom, it was torturous.” His eyes filled with empathy and understanding that only a true friend could possess. He wasn’t making fun of her, and as he touched her arm, she felt that it hurt him as much to bring the truth out in the open as it did for her to hear it.
A sharp pain shot through her heart. He knew her too damn well, and it pissed her off, but part of her thought he might be right. When she opened her mouth to reply, nothing came out.
“Look, I know it’s hard for you to let anyone into your world, but guys like Pierce Braden are one in a million, and I saw the way he looked at you. Chances are, he knows you’re sensitive, too, and he’ll overlook this, but if I were you—” He shook his head. “I’d worry about what else this makes him question. Trust is trust.”
She swallowed past the thickening lump in her throat. “Great. So you’re saying that when I see pity in his eyes, which is what I feel like I see, I’m reading it wrong? He’s really questioning my trustworthiness?” Holy shit. What else can go wrong in my life?
“No. I don’t know the guy. He might not question your trustworthiness at all; that’s just what it would make me think. But if you think you see pity, you might be misreading it. I don’t mean this judgmentally, but pity is like a recurring theme in your life. When anyone tries to help, you immediately go down the pity trail. And don’t think I didn’t see it flash in your eyes when I told you to call Chiara.”
He had her there. She had felt it when he suggested that she call Chiara. A recurring theme? Could he be right?
“Why don’t you just talk to him?”
“I did.” She banged her forehead on the wall.
“Hey, don’t get sweat on my wall,” he said with a teasing smile. “What did he say?”
“That it’s…” She could hardly believe she was saying this out loud. It would be the first time she’d said she loved a man to anyone other than Pierce. She did love him. I do. I really do.
“He says it’s love that I see, not pity.”
His eyes widened. “Damn, girl. Is that where you’re at? That explains a lot.” They walked back to the registration desk.
“It explains nothing except that now I’m also worried that he doesn’t trust me.”
“I said I could be wrong about that, but if you’re worried, fix it.” He went behind the desk and pulled out a chart, scribbled something, and lifted his eyes to her when she didn’t respond. “Rebecca, trust is a two-way street. If he says he loves you, you have to trust that as much as he has to trust that you’ll tell him things. You should know this. Do you love him?”
“Yes. I really do.”
“Seems easy, then. You’re not a shy girl, Rebecca, so why are you not in his face telling him whatever’s on your mind?”
She sighed, thinking about what Pierce had said about her trying to regain control of her life. “I do trust that Pierce loves me. There’s no doubt in my mind. So, what does that mean? Am I projecting my fears onto him?”
Andy shrugged. “Now you’re out of my league. Trust, I get. Projecting fears?” Andy held his hands up in surrender. “That’s way out of my realm of understanding.”
She leaned across the desk and grabbed him by the shirt, tugging him down so they were eye to eye. “You are a great friend even if it’s your fault I’m in this mess.”
He laughed. “Hey, that’s all on you. I was just an unknowing messenger who spilled the beans.”
“Right again. Jerk. I wish I could hate you.” She released his shirt. “But I need someone to knock sense into me, I guess. It might as well be you.” She couldn’t shake the feeling of something poisonous slithering inside of her and trying to get out, but taking it out on Andy wouldn’t do any good.
She headed into the locker room thinking about projection. Did she expect to see pity and become blind to everything else?
It could be.
Oh God. I will not be one of those loser girls who becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy.
Chapter Twenty-Six
REBECCA DROVE BY the park to try to climb out of her own head after going to see her doctor and picking up her new birth control pills. She returned home and ran a load of laundry. She was procrastinating, but every time she thought about holding her mother’s urn in her hands, she felt empty inside. She had a feeling that if there was any truth to what she’d felt since her mother passed away—that her mother was always nearby—then it could also be true that the reason she hadn’t felt her mother around for the last day or two was because her mother was giving her a sign. My stubborn mother. She imagined her mother’s strong, determined voice before disease stole that piece of her, too. Mi dulce niña, what are you doing? Don’t let the past determine your future. Open your eyes, niña. Stop knotting up these darn strings. I’m pulling as hard as I can.
She set a basket of laundry on the bed and glanced at the package of birth control pills she’d begun taking only an hour earlier. It was freeing, knowing that she wouldn’t have to rely on Pierce to be responsible for both of them. She wanted to have children one day, and she’d let her mind drift a few times to the possibility of having children with Pierce. She still believed, truly believed with all her heart, that a future with Pierce was possible—and right—even with the hard time they were going through. But having children was a decision she wanted to make with him, not have it made accidentally for them.
She folded the last of her laundry and sat down on the edge of her bed, wishing Pierce was there with her. She lay back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling, reflecting on her wish. She didn’t feel like the same woman who had kneed a guy in the groin and then punched him in the jaw. She lifted her hand and held it in front of her face, fisting and unfisting her fingers. She’d felt so strong for so long. She’d needed to, with her mother unable to care for herself and Rebecca feeling like she might fall apart at any second but knowing that falling apart wasn’t an option. She’d built walls around her heart, her mind, and even her body, in an effort to keep her emotions from herself, as much as everyone else. It would have been so easy to spiral down into self-doubt and self-pity—but she had remained strong. Looking back at what their lives were like toward the end, when her mother couldn’t get up out of bed, her body bloated and sedated, she couldn’t fathom how she’d made it through each day, much less the last few months, but she had. She goddamn had, and she felt proud to have been there by her mother’s side.