"I..." What was I about to do, try and reason with a drunken chef? Just leave.
"Don't go," he repeated, his voice a little stronger this time. "Stay."
His eyes were still closed. Did he even know who he was talking to? Did he even know that he was talking? Doubtful. But for some reason, instead of shaking him off, I just stood there.
"Please," he said.
I looked at the door, and then back at his face.
Damn it.
There was a chair by the bed, and I sat down carefully, not dislodging his grip on my hand. Just until he lets go. It won't be long. As soon as he falls asleep, like really asleep...#p#分页标题#e#
But as soon as I sat down, the adrenaline that had kept me going - all day, and most of the night - started to seep out of my bones. I felt like a deflating balloon. I was just going to close my eyes for a minute -
Just a minute -
CHAPTER THIRTY
Encore
Encore. It's a lovely concept. You can always have just one more. One more taste, one more bite. One more chance to savor. One more chance at anything you like.
- Excerpted from Dylan: A Lifetime of Recipes
***
Max
***
When I woke up, Jill was still holding my hand.
I didn't put a lot of thought into that, honestly, for a while. The first few minutes of waking up were consumed with various bathroom activities that may or may not have included retching, and desperately trying to get the taste of rotten gym socks out of my mouth.
Unfortunately, I remembered nearly everything. Maybe it would be best to pretend that I didn't.
Jill was, miraculously, still asleep when I ventured back out into the room. She's going to have one hell of a crick in her neck.
I went to fetch some breakfast, half-hoping she'd be gone by the time I returned, and half-hoping she wouldn't.
Why did everything always have to be so complicated with Jill and me?
That was a stupid question. I knew why. Because I made it that way, and I was too god damned stubborn to change. Even for a minute, even just for a woman like Jill. As extraordinary as she was, I couldn't pull my head out of my ass for long enough to just try.
I'd written myself off, so easily, as someone who could never be what Jill deserved. I saw it now for the selfishness that it was.
I could have at least tried, but now it was too late.
When I got back, with two plates of assorted breakfast foods, Jill was in the shower. I set her plate down on the bedside table and attacked mine, surprised at my own ability to overcome my hangover in the presence of some chewy bacon and overcooked eggs.
She came out in last night's dress, toweling off her hair.
"Oh," she said, stopping in the bathroom doorway, biting her bottom lip in that irresistible way of hers. "I thought you left."
"Just for a minute," I said, gesturing to her plate. "If you feel up to it, of course."
She shrugged, sitting down in her appointed chair and picking it up.
"Sorry about last night," I said.
She shrugged again, smiling this time. "Don't be. It was funny."
"And sorry about everything else," I said.
Jill looked at me, skeptically. "I don't know what that's supposed to mean," she said.
"I think you do," I said.
"It was just a bad situation," she said, breezily.
"But I made it worse. And I hid behind my reputation, as if that made it better." I let out a breath in a puff of air. "When you've been labeled as a bastard, it's a little too easy to convince yourself that you'll always be a bastard no matter how you act. So why not go whole hog? Just be selfish, all the time, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes. Don't worry about who you hurt. It's too easy to forget that you gave yourself that reputation in the first place, and you can just as easily undo it."
"I never expected that from you," she said, softly, looking up at me. "I never wanted you to change."
"But you needed me to," I said.#p#分页标题#e#
She didn't disagree. But she bit her lip again, and looked up at me with expectancy that made my heart jump in my chest.
"Jill," I said, feeling my pulse quicken. "Jill, if you...if you don't..." I had an insane urge to gnaw on the side of my thumb. What's wrong with me? "If you don't feel...anymore..." I stalled out, frustrated. "I don't know what I'm saying. I'm sorry."
"If I don't what, Max?" she asked. She was pale, and it wasn't just from the hangover.
"You felt...I know you felt things for me once," I managed to say, my voice sounding miles away in my own ears. "I know I ignored them. I know I dismissed them. I was just trying to protect you. That was stupid and I know that now. But it's been a long time, and if you...if there's nothing left of the way you used to feel, please just tell me now. Before I make an even bigger idiot out of myself."