Roman-1(Lane Brothers, Book 5)(35)

I have to get over this shit in about ten minutes before it’s time for me to leave for Mel’s.

My heart is beating hard and loud in my newly healed chest, and it keeps echoing the same words over and over again, making me break out in a cold sweat while I try to tell myself once again that everything is okay. That I can tell her about myself without losing a limb or facing a firing squad.

I hate this part of me, though, and no matter how many times I tell myself different, I still feel a loathing for the weakness I can’t shake no matter how many years pass or how much love my family gives me.

Tonight I have to face that demon and trust that Mel will be right there to catch me if I should stumble. I trust her, I just don’t have trust in myself, something I’ve struggled with for a lot longer than is natural or healthy.

But I’ll suck up my insecurities and tell her because I know that if I’m to get past this and on the road to winning her back, I have to open myself up to hurt, the same way I forced her to open to me.

“Hey, stop pissing yourself and take a breath. She loves you, man. She’s not going to just turn away from you.”

I turn slowly and look at Miah standing in the doorway, resting back against the wood and inspecting me like a bull going to market.

When he nods as if satisfied and finally meets my eyes, I feel my heart settle and the cold fear melt away.

“I can’t fuck this up again.”

“You won’t, or Jared and Wyatt will kick your ass while Jace and I keep watch for Ma,” he jokes, shaking his head ruefully. “Seriously, though, I know you got this. Just be honest with her and yourself and you’ll do okay.”

“What if I don’t? What if she’s over me?”

That makes him snort and I hear Wyatt make a crude comment as he and the others walk in from the hallway.

“Dude, that woman sees no man but you, trust me. She’s just pissed because she fell in love with a moron is all. She’ll deal and get over it. And who knows, maybe she’ll get over that aversion she seems to have to marriage and finally accept Ma’s ring.” Wyatt laughs, making my teeth ache.

“Not a Goddamned chance. Your women may have fallen into that trap, but I know my Mel and she won’t accept something like that.”

“Bro, Ma’s teaching her to knit and I saw Tracy and Ellie going through shopping catalogues with her last week. Face it, they’re turning your woman to the dark side, and just like us poor saps, you have no choice in the matter,” Jared growls, causing us all to bust a gut because he’s still raw about Paulie wearing Ma’s ring around her neck and liking it a lot more than the one he gave her.

She would never admit it, but the one time I saw him try to touch it, she damn near bit two of his fingers off.

“So, you nervous? Because you only do that hand snapping thing when you’re nervous and you’re doing it now.” Jace grins, making me aware of the nervous habit I’ve regained in the last few weeks.

I tend to snap my fingers and tap them against my thigh when I’m feeling out of sorts and I hate it.

“Shut the hell up and tell me something to distract me. Lynn? Case?”

Jared shakes his head again and I turn to him with a smile that I don’t feel, because I have the insane urge to just start investigating even thought I know that would be bad and wrong and it would signify that my girl isn’t my priority.

Fuck it, I need to just let go of this part of my life and accept that I have a different path now.

“Nothing. Case isn’t answering his phone anymore and we’re starting to worry that Lynn…” Miah leaves the sentence trailing, but we all know what he’s saying.

Case could be dead somewhere in South America, for all we know, and we may never know if we don’t find her.

“You call this number,” I say, scribbling Fielding’s number onto a card and handing it to Miah with a silent groan.

I hate having to just let go, but it’s a choice I made weeks ago and I need to do this, no matter how much it hurts to stop before the finish line.

“Huh?”

“That number belongs to Fielding, an operative working the weapons side of things. If anyone can find Lynn, it’s Fielding. Now all of you wish me luck and get on with your jobs. I have a woman to go woo.”

They’re all making smooching noises and teasing me as I straighten my spine and make for the door, the butterflies I’ve been battling coming back in full force by the time I get to the kitchen and grab the basket that Ma prepared for me.

“Wait! Come on over here and let Mama take a look at you, boy.”

I sigh and turn, standing still for inspection as Ma walks around me, tucking things in and smoothing my collar.