There was more silence. After a long pause, she said, very softly, “There is nothing I can do to help.”
“I know.”
I could hear the hesitation as she said, “I have a question, which is mission relevant, but probably very painful for you. I don’t know how to phrase it.”
“Go ahead,” I said, with my stomach eating its way out of my belly.
“Why aren’t you a contract killer? From what you describe, you fit an appropriate personality. But you’re not, and he is. That’s important to defining his personality.”
That really, really hurt.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. I never did and never do. When I have to, I shut down and . . . except I used to have furious hatred. The illogic. I became exactly the things I hated so I could fight them, and I can’t get back.”
“They broke you,” she said. “I’d say it’s not your fault, but that’s not going to help.”
“I’m glad you realize that,” I said.
“I’ll sleep clothed. Should we have space?” She looked serious and professional, her face in stiff lines, and fuck me if that didn’t make her more exciting.
“When possible, just like we have been,” I said.
“I’ll make it possible. I hadn’t realized until we started this mission how it differs from battlefield. Battlefield, everyone’s a unit, and some have different plumbing. This . . . is intimate and personal, even as an act.”
“Acting’s like that, as you saw.”
“No wonder so many celebrities are freakos. We’ve got that, and combat, and politics.”
“Yes, it calls for special people.”
That stern look again. “Please advise me of my performance so far.”
It helped. I knew she was doing it to push me into a useful mindset, and . . .
Wait, I hadn’t told her much, really, since we started.
Crap. Yeah, self-centered is Ken.
“You’ve saved my ass several times directly. Your technical skills are amazing. We have good rapport and work well together, despite my early misgivings—unwarranted—and no lead-up time. The problem here is me, not you, in any fashion.”
She flared her eyebrows and said, “Thank you.”
“It’s fair,” I said. “You were right that you could handle it emotionally. You’ve waded in where needed without hesitation.”
“I still get the shakes. A lot.”
“Shakes afterward are normal and expected.”
“Yes, I knew that. It feels different. Then, I sort of retreat behind training when I have to confront people. It helps.”
“I know,” I said. I must have grimaced again. I’d done that retreating myself, to an extreme.
“Sorry.”
She stretched slightly, said, “Try to sleep. I’ll sit up a while.”
“Thanks,” I said. It was a nice gesture, but I wasn’t going to sleep.
Still, I lay down to try, and had to rehash the discussion, even though that would keep me awake. She sat at the cruddy little table, researching more of something she’d compile into the files.
That had been easier, in the sense of a straightforward explanation, and more horrifyingly violating for my psyche, than I’d expected. I could never forget it, because the survivors of what I did could never forget it. I doubted most of them were very forgiving, either.
I half dozed in and out until dawn. Then I gave up and rose. She was asleep, on the far side of the bed. Even dressed, she had an elegant curve to her hip and a pretty face. I sighed.
I promised myself I’d do whatever I could to get her home in one emotional piece.
CHAPTER 14
The jambiya was lovely. It looked and felt centuries old. The goatskin on the scabbard was tattered in spots. The wood was crumbly. The horn hilt even looked bug bitten. Amazing.
“It is beautiful, and you are a craftsman before Allah,” I said.
“You flatter me. Any praise should be to Allah, for gifting me with my poor skills.”
“I am most pleased. It will make a fine addition to my collection. It is so hard to find an original.”
We swapped tea and pleasantries and then I made my goodbyes. They don’t hurry in that culture. You must exchange tea and pleasantries. I kept it under a half-hour, barely.
Silver was likewise stunned.
“I wonder how it would hold up to genetic analysis of the organic material,” she asked. “I’m impressed.”
“Well, I figure to sell it as ‘provenance unknown.’ Which is accurate. Buyer can make their own conclusions. Now we need a high starting bid to rule out poseurs and locals, but low enough to inspire interest.”