“Not here, not now,” she said, pulling away. “Are you free tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” He’d intended to run some numbers on a prospective property purchase, but that could wait.
“Pick me up in the morning? Around nine?”
“I’ll be here.”
CHARLOTTE SHUDDERED AGAINST THE door after she shut it, watching the lights of Gabriel’s SUV slice across the windows as he drove away. He hadn’t kissed her good night, just cupped her face and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
It was as if he knew she couldn’t have handled a kiss. Not now. Not when she’d promised to tell him the truth.
Her heart felt ice-cold, shivers crushing her ribcage outward.
Shoving trembling hands through her hair, she walked into the bedroom after switching on all the lights in the house one by one, then stripped to change into her nightgown.
She brushed her teeth, cleaned her face using hot, hot water.
Afterward she did a second walk around and turned the lights off. For the first six months following her release from the hospital, she’d left the house ablaze all night except for Molly’s room, but then it had become a matter of pride to give that up. It was still hard and she turned off the lights in a pattern that meant she was never in the dark, but it was better than surrendering to the fear.
Once behind the locked door of her bedroom, she turned on a bedside light before switching off the main overhead light and slipped into bed. Her stomach still churned; she knew she should’ve just told Gabriel in the car, but she hadn’t been able to bear talking about it in the dark, in the night. That was the time of terror.
Given her thoughts, it wasn’t a surprise she had a nightmare when she did finally fall asleep. Though most people wouldn’t have labeled it that, would’ve seen only a memory.
CHARLOTTE LAY NAKED IN the narrow single bed in Richard’s room, uncomfortable and in pain. Still, she thought, it had been worth it. It had made Richard so happy. “Hi,” she said with a shaky smile when he came out of the bathroom, having pulled on his sweatpants.
“Hi.” Lying down beside her, he smiled that flawless, brilliant smile. “Hey, don’t worry, you’ll get better.”
The burgeoning happiness inside her began to fizzle. “Was I that bad?” She’d known she’d be awkward, but he’d said it didn’t matter, that he was honored she was giving him the gift of her body.
He chuckled in response to her question. “Your rhythm was off, but I can teach you that.” Tugging away the sheet, he looked down at her body.
It made her feel cold and exposed, but when she would’ve reached for the thin shield of cotton, he held it out of reach. “Richard.” She fought not to cry.
“You have a good body,” he said, eyes assessing. “A little skinny and your tits aren’t huge, but—” He looked up, caught the distress on her face, and suddenly he was the boy she’d fallen for, sweet and caring. “I’m sorry, Charlotte. You know I love you. Here, let me show you.”
She went to say no, that it hurt, but he was kissing her and she didn’t want to disappoint him again, so she didn’t say anything. Instead, she gritted her teeth through the pain and smiled at him when he did things to her that she knew were supposed to arouse her. They had before, but now she was too embarrassed and ashamed and feeling like a failure.
“There,” he said afterward, his breath rough as he flopped down beside her. “See? I love you.”
No boy had ever paid so much attention to her, told her he wanted her, told her he loved her. He probably hadn’t meant to hurt her feelings; she just wasn’t sophisticated enough to understand what he’d been trying to say. After all, he could have any girl on campus, and he’d chosen her.
“I love you too,” she whispered.
AND SHE HAD, CHARLOTTE thought the next morning as she dressed after her shower. It had been the needy, heartbreaking love of a girl who wanted someone of her own. She and Molly had one another, but unlike her strong, determined friend, Charlotte was unsure of her path in life. She hadn’t even thought of further education after high school, loathe to miss even a day with her mom.
The only reason she’d sent in the university application had been to make her mom and dad happy. After which, she’d promptly forgotten about it. It was only when the pre-semester letters started arriving that she’d realized her father had accepted the placement offer on her behalf and that he’d enrolled her in the classes she’d said she’d take when he’d quizzed her about them months earlier.