I twist into him, careful not to touch my lips to his. It would be too easy to fall back into old habits. I'm not sure I could control myself if that were to happen. I might ravage him. Take him right here in the middle of campus for all of Whitney Briggs to see.
Blake pulls back slowly, his fingers the last to drip from mine. "Can we go someplace to talk? I'll buy coffee." He tilts his head, pleading. There's a desperation I've never seen in his eyes.
"I have to go." I'm right back to whispering.
He gives a simple nod. "Good luck on your speech, Annie. I know you'll kill it. And in case I don't get to say it"-his lips pinch-"I'm proud of you." Blake steps in and bears into me. "I love you, Annie. I will always love you."
I turn around and run back toward Kaya and Tristan.
If I didn't get out of there quick, I might have said those words right back.
Blake
My heart, soul, and ironically, the carriage house are all empty without Annie in my life. But the carriage house, however, is chock full of the baby gear Roxy and Cole helped haul into this tiny space a few days ago. After my relationship with Annie detonated in a shower of sparks, no thanks to her brothers, and mostly me, Roxy came by with her boyfriend ready to beat my balls in. Lucky for me and my balls, they listened, and I somehow managed to vomit out the truth. I made them swear they wouldn't tell Annie. It's something I need to do when the time is right, something I should have done when we were still new, but the truth is a slippery bitch that never wants to be held when Annie is around. Nevertheless, in a miraculous turn of events, Roxy's heart exploded as large as the carriage house, and she took some of the proceeds from her last baking event and went to a thrift store and bought out the baby section. Cole said she might be nesting. Whatever that is, it worked in my favor. As much as my pride didn't want to accept anything from them, I knew this would all be needed in a few short weeks so I tucked my balls between my legs and said thank you.
A firm knock vibrates through the door. I speed over in the event it's Annie and peer out the window.
I swing it open and frown at my brother. "It's just you."
"Happy Thanksgiving to you, too." His lips expand with a bleak smile. "Let's see what I'm thankful for this year … oh, yes-your poor attitude." He socks me in the arm before pulling me into a partial hug. "Get over yourself, will you? You have a lot to be grateful for."
"Name it."
"Okay, I will." He wanders in, and I shut the door with my foot. "For one, I've decided to give you your Christmas gift a little early this year."
"If it shits in the yard, I don't want it."
"No, this one shits in the toilet." He sits down and slaps the seat next to him. "Take a load off."
I head over and plop down. "First Thanksgiving that I haven't had a bite of turkey, and I still feel like all I want to do is sleep."
"I figured so. How about you rake a comb through your hair, and I'll take you out for a bite."
I press my head into the sofa and close my eyes. "Not until I get my gift."
"All right. Her name is Beretta."
"A gun? You got me a gun?" Does Wyatt know something I don't?
"I got you a nanny. And before your mind drifts into the gutter, no, she's not hot. Not unless you're into sixty-five year-olds who wear ugly sweaters year round. She's good people. Came highly recommended from friends of mine. She'll do light cleaning and cooking. She doesn't work weekends, so we're on our own."
"Back it up. We?"
"Yeah, we. I'm pitching in. I think what you're doing is noble. And, believe me, I get why you're doing it. If there's anything I can do to help out, I'm going to do it. You have my full support, little bro." He softly digs his fist in my arm. "You know I love you."
"I love you, too, man." I lean in and give him a strong hug. Normally, I wouldn't have said I love you. Normally, I wouldn't be hugging Wyatt like this, but Benji was here one minute and gone the next, and saying I love you and hugging him are two things I wish we would have done daily. Of course, he would have called me a pussy and kicked the shit out of me for touching him, but it might have been worth it. Hell, I know it would have. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He slaps me over the back. "Now grab your jacket. We're going turkey hunting downtown. Oh, and Blake?"
I pause from snatching my jacket off the table.
"The nanny comes under one condition."
Here we go. "What's that?"
"You go back to school. You have two years left, and I want you to knock ‘em out."
School. A dull smile rides on my face. "You're right, this is like Christmas."
The smile glides off his face as he shakes his head. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want most."
Wyatt can never give me Annie. I had taken everything we had and erased it with my own omission.
No one is sorrier than me.
* * *
Another week drifts by, and I can't seem to get Annie Edwards out of my head-don't want to. She's saturated my thoughts, bled through the pattern of the clouds, I see her smiling face in the evergreens, when I close my eyes, she's right there waiting for me behind my lids. Every sleepless night, all I can think about is how bad I fucked things up. The irony of it all is that I did it with silence.
I pound my palm into the steering wheel. Frustration has become my closest companion. The only way to lift this fever in my life is Annie's forgiveness. I've become rabid for exactly that.
It's the last day of classes before Whitney Briggs breaks for Christmas. Annie mentioned last week that she was going to give an oral presentation in her Digital Studios class, and, as soon as she mentioned it, I knew I wanted to be there-out of sight of course, but I'd die before I missed it. It's a stalker-like thing to do. I know it. But for some reason this doesn't seem to deter me. I've made every excuse to head over to campus since our breakup, even made a point of eating dinner in the food court each and every night just hoping to bump into her.
I head into the parking lot and jump out of my truck. A light snowfall quietly sprinkles to the ground like it did that last night we were together.
Doris Hall looms before me like a relic from some long forgotten era in my life. I have Annie's schedule memorized, the school mapped out to where she might be at any given hour. As much as I respect her desire to keep our distance, I want to be there, unseen, unheard, lingering like a ghost who wants nothing more than to support her in some capacity. I'm the first guy she let into her life-her body-and I'm sure she's in deep regret on both counts. A flood of students make their way inside. Class is getting ready to begin. As much as I don't want to miss a second, the last thing I want to do is rattle her. There's no way she can know I'm here. I give it a few minutes before making my way into the building, shaking the snow off my shoulders as I head down the hall.
A familiar looking dude looks my way before doing a double take.
It's Frenchie.
"Hey, you"-he goes from Mr. Nice Guy to bouncer in zero point five-"what the hell are you doing here?" He looks back to the classroom, making sure Annie is nowhere in sight. He seems to care about her. For all I know I might be staring at my replacement. For a moment I envision them far into the future with a house, white picket fence, two kids, two dogs, the whole deal. It unsettles me, makes me want to wrap my hands around his neck because I know it's a possibility. But as much as I want to hate him, he seems decent. He's everything I'm not in a nutshell-clean cut, wire-rimmed glasses, built sturdy as a bookshelf.
"I'm not here to do anything." I glance past him. "Don't tell her you saw me. I'll be gone in a minute." That's not entirely true. I did bring her a gift I've been meaning to give her. It may have involved a small altercation with my father and a stray dog named Jeff, but Annie was worth the scuffle. I'm not sure how I'm going to gift it to her. If nothing else, I can leave it for her at the bar. But that's not what I'm hoping. In fact, that's the worst-case scenario.
Johanna, the bitch on heels that tried to squash Annie's feelings like a bug, comes over and slings her arm around me.
"Hey, big boy." She plants a wet one on my cheek. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Oh." Tristan blinks in surprise. "I thought you were here for Annie." He looks from Johanna to me. "Never mind." He goes to leave, and I pull him back a second.