Rock Candy Kisses(22)
My cell goes off. I spot Olivia's name before sinking it back into my pocket. The last thing I want to do is explain the heroics I'm attempting in that arena of my life. I know the truth will bubble to the surface sooner than later, but, given the circumstances, I'd rather hold off until after the meet and greet with her family.
"Do you still love me?" I tease.
She pinches her fingers an inch apart, and I close my eyes, a dry laugh buried in my chest.
"I love you," I say it crisp and clear, and it shreds me that she'll never hear it.
Annie presses a kiss over my lips that feels like every spring morning-hell, every Christmas morning, I've ever had the privilege of. A dull ache goes off in my belly because I know that Benji will never get to meet the girl who stole my heart.
Someone comes up from the side and waves to get her attention, Tristan-the little punk who sent Annie's brother over in a rage.
Annie gives me another light peck. "See you later," she mouths as she meets him by the stairs. He sinks his hand against her lower back as if it belonged there. Dude, really? He keeps that up and he'll be lucky to graduate with limbs. I'm not into other guys touching my girl-for sure not his French ass.
I pull my phone out and check out Olivia's text.
At the doctor's. Come quick.
* * *
I speed down to Jepson, nearly driving myself off an embankment in the process. I had to take a moment and remind myself no one is better off with me dead at this point-with the exception of Annie's brothers, but they're rather pointless themselves.
Olivia's doctor is located in a building right across from the Jepson Medical Center where she's due to deliver in a little over a month. In my mind I have a warped vision of what it's going to be like to hold this tiny human in my arms for the very first time. The first thing I want to do after welcoming the tiny being into this world is apologize for what a cruel and cold place it really is. Then I plan on making an entire slew of promises that involve enjoying this earthly experience to its maximum, starting with loving your family and those God puts by your side because they're there for a reason even if you think all they aspire to do is annoy you and take up space. That about sums up my relationship with both Ben and my father. Wyatt is a little too removed from my reality but still a vital cog that keeps this wheel known as my life spinning. I want to give this child-my child, the world. And I can't imagine doing that without Annie by my side. A thousand ways to break the news to her formulate in my mind and fail to launch just as quickly. What in the hell is Annie going to think? I can hardly support myself at this stage of the game let alone a child who requires round the clock care and a steady stream of diapers. And what would Annie's role be in this mess? Do I really expect her to step in as some maternal figure to a child she'll meet in just a few weeks? The timing couldn't be worse, but that's my life all over.
I race into the office, and the receptionist takes me to the back where I find Olivia in a darkened room lying on a table in a paper gown. She looks sickly and pale, dark circles ring under her eyes, and her lips look deflated, her fingers hang off the side of the table, flaccid as if she has one foot in the grave.
"You came this close to missing the show." She holds out her hand, and I take it. "Pull up a seat."
"What's going on? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" I want to shake both her and the ultra sound tech just hoping the answers will fall out of them like hard to get change from the belly of a piggy bank.
"Why don't you tell him the news?" Olivia looks to the woman administering the ultra sound. Her translucent gray hair is wrapped in a bun, and I can't help but think it looks like someone plucked a jellyfish out of an aquarium and plopped it on her head.
"News?" I can't handle any bad news at this point. The universe has to know that any more crap "news" will simply fucking have to go to someone else. Losing my brother, my best friend, was enough pain and agony for two lifetimes, both his and mine.
The older woman crinkles her dry lips. "This, right here, is your baby." She pulls the instrument over Olivia's glistening stomach, and a shadowy image appears over the screen. A beautiful face, full cheeks, tiny lips that appear to be moving.
The room takes on a new energy. The world warps and twists, bending its own ear and willful gaze to the tiny little being projected onto the oversized screen.
"My God." It's all I can say. It's all that's needed. Set before me is a true miracle.
Tears come to my eyes, and I wipe them away. I watch as the tiny limbs move while the baby twists lethargically from one position to the next.
"Would you like to know the gender?" The tech moves the image toward the murky face again, not wanting to give anything away without permission.
First, I was simply having a baby, and now the final piece of the puzzle is available to us at last. A baby always sounded a little nebulous in nature, but assigning it a gender is something indelible that stays with you forever. You can say I have a son or I have a daughter for the rest of your days, but I'm having a baby is strictly relegated to the here and now.
"Do you want to know?" I look to Olivia. Her dark hair is pulled back in a bun with shards spearing from all sides like a series of sharpened blades. Her lips are impeccably drawn in, cartoonish in nature with the outline ten shades darker than what she chose to color them in with. Her eyes are painted like a cat's with the wingtips on her upper lid transcending too far past her brows. Olivia devotes hours to perfecting her look each day, worshiping hard at the altar of her vanity. It's hard to believe she's going to be a mother-that she could potentially be in charge of the wellbeing of another living soul. But I suppose, at the end of the legal day, she isn't going to be more than a bodily warehouse that wants nothing more than to have its interior vacated and tightened to perfection once again. Olivia hasn't cared for anyone's needs but her own for the ten years I've known her. Benji knew it and pointed it out often, but it didn't stop me from spending time with her.
"I already know what the little shit is." Olivia plucks out a cigarette from her purse without looking. "Don't get your asshole in a knot. It's not lit. I just need something to do with my hands. You have my word." She shears the air with her comments as if they were a threat. But those last few words came out laced with drama, dripping with sarcasm.
Olivia's word is useless. That's the one worldly truth this baby can cling to.
"I guess if you already know then I want to know." I'm not sure how Olivia purports to know since the tech just asked as if we were equally uninformed, but, deep down, a part of me is curious whether I'll be sitting in the stands for football practice or hanging out in the wings during ballet rehearsal. My heart starts with the dramatics, first trying to jump up my throat then throwing itself around my ribcage like a punk rocker in a mosh pit. My body heats up ten degrees, and my back feels as if it might combust. From now until eternity this being is going to be set in stone, boy or girl, it all happens now. I wish to God Annie was with me, holding my hand.
"Congratulations to the both of you." The silver-haired woman grins for a brief moment without taking her gaze from the screen. The blue light from the monitor reflects in her glasses, and all I see is the baby blipping in and out of existence in this shadowed game of hide-n-seek. "You're having a boy."
"A boy." My voice cracks. A boy, just like Ben and me. I take a deep breath. I can do this. Olivia and I can do this. She can parent from the sidelines for all I care, but every kid should at least meet their mother.
The ultrasound tech wipes the goo from Olivia's belly before leaving the room.
"It's a boy." I pull Olivia into a tight embrace whether she wants in on it or not. Her arms wrap around my back and linger. That's familiar territory for Olivia. She's a man-eater, and I'm not too sure how many men she's been devouring since she's been with child, but by the way her limbs are still wrapped around mine, she's been missing the human touch. Then the unthinkable happens. Olivia breaks down in sobs, deep wells of stored emotion. All of the pent up grief she's harbored for the past few months lets loose like a flood, and she drenches my shoulder with her pain. The glacier that is Olivia Cameron is starting to crack, and the boiling pot of water that's causing the thaw just happens to be stowed away in her belly.