Risking Fate(76)

I reached down and brushed the smallest boy’s cheek. “We’ll be able to tell because we love them so much. We will always know.”

“Can we take them home now? I think they want to see their room and sleep in their cribs instead of these.” Iz knocked on the plastic causing little Jax to jump. She put her hand over her face to hide her embarrassment.

The nurse came walking toward us. She leaned down and touched the plastic. “Try not to knock on these, they are loud to the babies and we wouldn’t want to make them cry.” She patted Iz on the head and threw her a smile before giving me her attention.

“I was wondering if you’d like to hold them.”

Without hesitation, I grabbed Izzy’s shoulders and squeezed them. “Only if she can hold them too.”

The nurse cocked her eyebrow, but nodded and grabbed Iz and I both a chair. By the time we had sat down, another nurse was getting the boys out, one at a time. Now, I’d held Izzy when she was first born. I felt the excitement of that experience and what it was like to watch her take her first breath. I’d missed that part with my sons, but there was nothing I could do about it. From the moment little Jax was tucked into my arms, I felt that same rush of happiness as I felt with Iz. She sat with her arms out, waiting for Jake to be placed in hers. I saw her look up at me and smile.

“You okay, Iz?”

She nodded and focused on her brother being put in her arms. We were sitting side by side and both of us looked from one baby to the other. “This is cool.”

Jax opened his eyes wide; like he could see me even though I knew; he was too young to focus. I’d read that they could recognize voices, so I pulled the baby up to my lips and kissed his forehead. “I love you little Jax. Daddy’s here and I’m never going anywhere.”

The nurse, who was standing over Iz like she was going to drop her brother, helped her lift her brother’s head to her lips so she could kiss him like I had done.”I love you Jake.” She looked up at me. “Can we switch now?”

Truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go of Jax, but I wanted to hold Jake too. I realized that I would now need three arms to hold my three kids, so that none of them had to go without or wait in line. I wanted them to always have me there for them. They needed to know they could count on me through the good and even the bad.

As the nurse switched the babies, I kissed Jake for the first time. His soft little skin smelled like a normal baby, but as my lips lingered over his little cheek, I thought about him being inside of Miranda. His little heart beat because of her. His perfect skin reminded me of hers and I looked up at the nurse, unable to wait a single second longer. “I don’t care what I have to do, but please, I need to see her. I don’t care if it is through a piece of glass, just let me be close to her.”

“Daddy, are you going to see Mommy? I want to go.”

I shook my head. “You need to stay here and help watch your brothers for a little while. Are you up for your first babysitting job?” I tried to make it sound interesting enough that she wouldn’t ask questions. I shouldn’t have just blurted out about seeing Miranda, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

Izzy was a good little girl and with the help of another nurse, she agreed to stay and make sure the women knew what her brothers needed. At least they laughed about her attitude while we were walking out.

I had no idea where the nurse was taking me; in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they took me and sedated me until I could calm down. One minute I was calm and the next I was demanding things that were above and beyond their jobs. Hospitals implemented rules for reasons, but my wife’s life trumped every rule.

I had to see her. She needed to know I wasn’t ever going to leave her. I needed her to be alive so we could be a family. I needed her to live because imagining living one second without her made me want to die myself. Every time I thought about it, I felt like someone was kicking me in the chest, taking all of the oxygen out of my lungs.

My body was shaking more with each step. Sweat was running down my temples, but I was cold. My head pounded and the bright hospital lights made me squint. I was petrified of my wife’s fate. I was afraid that when the nurse stopped the door would read ‘morgue’, instead of ‘OR’.

Miranda was the most fascinating human being that I’d ever known. My heart belonged to her heart. There was never a second in our relationship where I questioned our future. We were meant to be together, I believed that with everything I had.

I just had to know either way. I needed to know whether I was going to have to raise three children by myself, or with the love of my life.