“I don’t like this place.”
I pulled her toward the center of the aisle, in between the babies. “Don’t be afraid. The clear beds keep them safe and warm.”
A nurse came over and maneuvered the two boy’s bassinets to touch each other. I picked up Iz so that she could look down at both of them. I watched her expression as she studied both of the newborns. “Do they hurt?” She looked up at me with concerned eyes.
“No, the wires are giving them medicine and feeding them. They wouldn’t be sleeping if they were in pain.” I was hoping what I was saying was enough. I didn’t ever want to explain what my two sons had gone through to take their first breath. Both of them being born with collapsed lungs was horrific enough, but to explain it to someone who wasn’t yet five, was just too difficult.
“How come Mommy isn’t here? Baby Christian got to stay in the room with Aunt Van.”
I stared down at the boys and tried so hard not to cry in front of my daughter. “She’s just with the doctors, Sweetie. What do you think of these two handsome little guys?”
She shrugged and looked down at them. “Which one is Jake?”
I reached down and touched the bigger boys little fingers. “I was waiting for you to make the choice.” It wasn’t exactly the truth, but I needed the distraction. I had to do this, because if I really was losing Miranda, this responsibility was all on me. I had to be able to do all of this without her.
“It’s hard to choose, Daddy. Can you help me? I don’t want it to be wrong and Mommy be sad about it. She was really sad earlier today. I told her that you were sad too and that you loved her.”
She looked right at me and I felt like my barrier was shattering to pieces. My eyes burned with wetness, but I refused to blink, knowing tears would roll down my eyes. I couldn’t do this in front of Iz. I couldn’t let her see me so sad.
“Thank you for telling her. I’m glad she knows that. Mommy would never be mad at the name you choose. She will think it’s special because it’s from you.” I looked down at my beautiful sons; the sons that Miranda and I made together out of love. With one hand on one of the boys little hands and Izzy in my arms, the tears started to fall down my face. Thankfully, Izzy was too busy studying her brothers to see my initial burst of tears.
She pointed at the bigger of the two boys. “That’s Jake.”
“Are you sure, because if you change your mind later, they might get confused.”
She turned to give me a dirty look, but her grin changed as soon as she saw my face. Her little fingers reached up and wiped away the tears. “Daddy, are you sad because of Mommy?”
I nodded but couldn’t admit the words out loud.
“I’m sad too. They took me away from her. I could hear her crying at first. Maybe if she saw us she wouldn’t be so sad.”
The little miniature version of my wife looked up at me for answers, but I didn’t know what to tell her. Hell, it was like I was living the worst possible nightmare ever. I took my hand and moved away a piece of her light blonde hair. “We can’t see Mommy until the doctors are done helping her. For right now, we have to stay here with your brothers.”
Izzy watched my face change and I did my best to hide my fears from her. She turned back to her brothers. “Which one did I say was Jake?”
I knew which one she chose, but decided to test her. I pointed to the other baby. “I think this one.”
She shook her head and pointed to the other baby. “Daddy! This is Jake,” Then she pointed to the other baby. “And that is Jax.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded her head and giggled. I loved that she didn’t understand how serious our situation was. I never wanted any of my children to feel this pain. My heart ached for my wife and as much as I enjoyed being there with my three children, I couldn’t take my mind from going back to be with Miranda.
“Yes, I’m sure, but what happens when we go home and mix them up?”
I focused on making my daughter smile. Focus on Izzy. Don’t think about Miranda lying there alone.
“Maybe we should get them tattoos?”
“Daddy! You can’t tattoo a baby, silly.”
“Why not?”
I put her down and when she put her hands on her hips, I mimicked her. “Because you can’t!”
I threw my hands in the air. “Well then I guess we won’t ever know who is who.”
She got on her tippy toes and looked at both boys. I could tell she was trying really hard to find something that wasn’t similar. Both boys had a head of dark hair, which made me smile knowing it came from me. They both had grayish eyes, which I knew wouldn’t change to a permanent color until they got a few months old. They both had ten fingers and toes and seemed identical in every way. I remember thinking back to when we found out we were having twins and how I joked that my sperm was so powerful I’d made two instead of one.