I didn’t even catch a cold.
Gray ran a hand down my left arm, seeking the scars that should have been there. “Are you sure he cut you? You don’t have any scars.”
“I guess it just seemed deep.” I remembered the feeling of that knife cutting deeply into my forearms. I remembered the way the blood welled and how weak I felt.
I didn’t mention to Gray that six months later, I’d slit my own arms from wrist to elbow. I’d heard that was the best way to commit suicide. I’d cut hard and deep, sure that it would end my guilt, my suffering. That was when Nate and Liv had found me.
I like to say they saved me, but sometimes I wonder because the truth of the matter is I don’t have those scars either.
The dream was gone, but the feelings were still riding me hard. I wanted to stop talking, to stop the unwanted emotions from swamping me. I wanted…Gray.
I sat up and turned around to face him. I reached out and traced the hard line of his jaw. His face was all angles and planes. If you studied his features separately he was too hard to be handsome, but something about Gray softened the ultra masculine lines and made him beautiful. I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. His callused hands found my hips and stroked up to my waist. We kissed for a moment, our tongues tangling, and though I wished I could stay there for hours, I knew that wasn’t what men wanted.
Men liked it fast and hard and they wanted a woman who did, too. I reached over and turned off the light.
“Hey,” Gray protested.
“I want you.” I pulled the T-shirt over my head. I felt much bolder in the dark. I was determined to have him and to be the kind of lover he wanted. I couldn’t be the kind of woman he needed, but maybe I could give him what he required in bed. The last thing he would want is to waste a bunch of time kissing.
I stood up and slid out of my panties. I let my hands find the band of his briefs and tugged them until his cock came free. I felt the full length of him. He gasped as I squeezed his erection. He was big. He was much bigger than I’d ever had before and I didn’t have the addition of alcohol as a lubricant, but I was determined. I straddled him and, before I could convince myself it was a bad idea, I reached down and forced myself onto his incredibly hard dick.
“Kelsey,” I heard him say and it didn’t sound sexy. It sounded a little like a protest.
I wasn’t moving fast enough. It hurt, but I tried to work my way onto him. I had him about halfway in when he flipped me over forcefully and he pulled out. The light came on. I felt my body flush when I realized he was furious.
“What the hell was that?”
Embarrassment flooded my system, so much worse than anything I’d felt before. I knew I wasn’t great in bed, but I’d never had a man shove me away and ask what I was doing. It was usually obvious. I managed to sit up and reached down to grab the sheet. I pulled it calmly up to cover my body. Calm. That was the key to getting through this debacle. I didn’t do what I wanted. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run and lock myself in the bathroom because I’d made a complete fool of myself. I wasn’t sure what I had done to offend him because he’d been hard as hell, but he obviously didn’t want to have sex with me.
I shrugged as casually as I could. “Sorry, I misread the signals. Oh, well, can’t be sexually compatible with everyone, I guess.”
His jaw dropped open at the comment and he spent way too long a moment looking at me. I wished the light could have stayed off because I felt completely naked under his scrutiny. I had to look away and I wished he would leave. I thought about getting up and walking out. It was almost morning as it was. I could call Liv to come get me. I stayed where I was because I didn’t want him to see me naked again. It was obvious I wasn’t his type.
His voice came out on a low growl. “What the hell have you done to yourself, baby?”
“What does that mean?” I asked irritably. I had to find the one guy in the world who wanted to talk about his freaking feelings.
Gray sat down on the bed again and he reached out to take my hand. I wouldn’t give it to him, so he settled his palm on my knee. He seemed calmer, but I thought getting the pity lecture might be worse than actually having him angry with me. “Have you ever made love, sweetheart?”
I laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Gray. I’m not a virgin. I’ve had sex before.”
“With anyone who gave a shit about you?’
Now I was pissed because he’d hit the nail on the head and I didn’t want to face that fact. I no longer cared if he saw my tits. I pushed his hand off me.
“Fuck you, Gray,” I said with every intention of getting out of the house.