I let out a long sigh. “I don’t know how my front is fucking freezing and my back is burning.”
“You need another layer of sunscreen? I’ll come up over there and put it on you.”
“Hands to yourself, Scribe.”
“For now,” he adds, reminding me that he plans to continue what we did last night. I want to ask him if all that stuff he’d said to me last night was true. About only wanting me and not having been with anyone. God, he was so good to me. Said all the right stuff. I wonder if that’s the real Knox or just another front he’s putting up. I need a distraction, so I decide to talk about something else.
“I wanted something that was mine,” I admit, returning to his earlier question.
“I’m all yours, Violet,” he jokes, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like a joke at all. Or maybe I try to make myself believe that because I want it to be true.
“Being a police officer just wasn’t something that interested me.” At least not since I was a young girl. “I thought about the military for a moment, but Cas showed me a few things. I fit with her. I felt like there was somewhere I could belong. That maybe the Ghost Riders was what I’d been looking for.”
I don’t tell him how I’d felt a little lost before Cas came along. I didn’t know that when I started protecting myself, it would result in pushing everyone else away. I’m not good at balance. I only have two modes: all or nothing. For some reason I don’t want him to see my faults, to think I’m broken or damaged. But he’s given me so much. He’s told me things I don’t think he’s ever told anyone. Maybe I should do the same. I push past what I would normally do and try something new, give a little bit of me.
“You don’t think I belong though.” It isn’t a question.
“Violet—”
I cut him off and talk over him. “I’ve killed before.” With that, he goes utterly silent. No joke to be found. Not even “baby.” Just “Violet.” Why does that bother me?
“You think I don’t have it in me to go all the way. That while I might have the skills, I just don’t have that final push to do what needs to be done. But what you don’t know is I had that moment long ago. You think I’m too young now. I can’t imagine what you would have thought seven years ago.” I hear a mumbled “Jesus.”
“That day changed me, and you know what? It wasn’t taking a life that did it. In fact, I’ve never had a moment of regret about that, and I’m not sure what that says about me. But what I am sure of is that I don’t care what it says about me.”
“What changed you about that day? Tell me, baby.” The last word gets me. How does the simple word make me feel all soft? Even a little bit precious. I wonder if he calls everyone that. I’m going to have to listen to see if I catch it.
“It was a cop.”
I get another mumble at that. “You lost trust.”
I just nod, knowing he can’t see me.
“Even in yourself,” he finishes, hitting the nail on the head.
I did. So I made sure that couldn’t happen again. That I wouldn’t trust myself. Keep them at arm’s length. It was for the best, but now I’m starting to wonder the cost of that. I’d only built this security to protect myself, but was I even really living? What cost was I paying for it?
The silence stretches once again.
“We’re calling it.”
“What?!” I wonder if I told him too much and now he really doesn’t think I should be here.
“Calm down. I got word Cobra is in town until nightfall. We’ll get him tomorrow when he shows up.”
Fuck. I wanted this to be done with. I expected to be heading back home soon. Not only that, I wanted everyone to know I’d come out and done what needed to be done. I wanted to be one step closer to being a full member of the Ghost Riders.
I roll to my side, easing my gun from my shoulder where it had been propped.
“Leave it,” Knox says, probably knowing I was going to dismantle it. I grab the camouflage netting and throw it over the gun, then take the bullets with me.
Making my way back down to camp, I have no idea what I’m going to say when I get there. There’s probably going to be some weird awkwardness. This isn't like me. I don’t fuck with things I want, and I’m playing a very dangerous game with Knox, because I’m falling for him. And like all things in life, I never do them half-assed. I have a feeling if I fall for him it will be hard. So hard I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get up, let alone be able to see him every day after it all goes up in flames.