“Couldn’t find that on your computer?” I retort, locking my jaw after the words are out of my mouth. After last night I feel more confused than ever about Knox. Fuck, I don’t even know what name I should be calling him. I almost want to smack myself. First I’m wanting him to talk, then when he does, I say something to shut him down. It’s almost like I can’t stop myself. The need to protect myself seems to be rather strong.
“Putting the walls back up, I see.” His tone is light, like it doesn’t matter. A small pang of fear runs through me at the thought that he’ll give up, and his words only confirm that. “That’s all right, baby, I’ll knock them back down.”
A stupid little flutter hits my stomach, knocking that pang of fear right out of there.
“I didn’t know when I joined the military I’d find a family. Didn’t even know I was looking for one. Or at least I didn’t know better families could be out there.” I feel some of the building tension leave my body as Knox starts to talk. He’s giving me a piece of him. Something deeper. At his words, a wave of sadness hits me. More than anyone, I know what he’s missed out on.
I have a family. A fucking wonderful one. One that will drive you so fucking nuts that you don’t know if you want to punch them or kiss them. I don’t know what I would have done without them, to be honest. They are all I’ve ever had. I don’t seem to fit in anywhere, but I know when I go home I’ll always fit in there. I have that security blanket, and I couldn’t imagine not having it. I can’t imagine the pain of not having that as a child.
“I didn’t really fit in anywhere before then. Kind of always kept to myself. Just my computer and me.” He says it like he’s remembering. It’s hard for me to picture, because Knox seems like he fits in everywhere. That person who can walk into a room and talk to anyone. I would have pictured him as the class clown. The center of attention.
“Hard to see you like that,” I admit, wanting him to tell me more. Anything or everything, if he would. His tale of childhood is hitting a little close to home. I didn’t sit behind a computer, but I was always alone when not with my family. Not like everyone else in my family, who had big personalities. Each and every one of them stood out. You couldn’t miss them. They wouldn’t let you. They were my only friends because, like Knox, I didn’t seem to fit anywhere else.
“You can make people see anything you like if you want.” He drops that little truth bomb right on top of me. How he keeps doing that, I don’t know. He surprises me at every turn. He doesn't have to say more, because I get what he’s saying. You don’t have to pretend to be a badass to hide something else. But normally when you pretend to be a badass, people don’t touch you. Except for Knox. They don’t try to grab you off the street or think they can trick you into getting into their car. But when does pretending become reality? When does it become too hard to find yourself again? To find the part you’ve lost? I had that part taken away from me. Had Knox lost something, too? Behind all those jokes, is there something else no one really gets to see? And why do I want to see it so badly now?
“The jokes,” I say, letting him know I understand.
“Yeah, baby, like the jokes.” I can hear the smile in his voice. He’s happy that I get him, that I can see it. “You know, at first the jokes were to be liked, and well, they made everyone laugh. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I soaked up some of that attention. I’d never really had it before. I wasn’t always this handsome, as hard as it might be to believe.”
I smile at that. There it is.
“And just like I probably made you smile right there, I started to see I could use that humor for something else. I can use it when times are rough, when I’m behind a computer screen and everyone I love is on the ground fighting for their lives. Fighting for each other’s lives.”
I listen to what he’s saying, and I feel all the things I’d been thinking about him slip away.
“Sometimes everybody just needs to laugh, and I could give that to them. Cut the darkness that was hanging around us. It might not be much, but it was something. When the silence started to stretch in the night and everyone was waiting for the skies to light up with impending death, it gave a moment of relief.”
“Wow,” is all I say. That was nothing like I thought. Nothing at all.
“Eyes on the crowd, baby,” he tells me in a soft whisper, reminding me that I’d stopped scanning the crowd for a moment.
“You burning up out there?”