Moving on is something I don't want to do. All I think about is Troy. I can see a future with him and whenever I was in bed with Shawn, I thought about Troy. Being with him means so much to me. He makes my heart beat faster and everything is clear.
"What is it, Troy? I'm tired and need to go to sleep."
"I wanted to talk and see how you're doing."
He sounds so formal and it kills me. "I'm fine." I keep my tone calm and don't show him how much he's affecting me. But it's getting so hard. I'm still the sixteen-year-old girl in love with her brother's hot and sweet best friend.
"You don't sound fine. Talk to me."
"So you can run again? I don't think so. I'm disappointed. Confused. I'm just feeling a lot of things right now." Breathe in and out I tell myself. Don't let him hear your emotions. Stay strong. It'll be okay.
"I'm sorry, okay? I do want to be friends. I miss talking to you and I miss having you around. It's not easy for me."
"Well, it's not easy for me either. I don't know what else to say. You push me away and expect everything to be okay. I am human, Troy. I am a human with feelings. This hot and cold is getting old. You can't sit there and say this to me. Sure, we can be friends and that's fine. But telling me you miss me and having me around is confusing me. It's either you want me or not. Plain and simple."
"I'm sorry, Charlotte."
"Not good enough. Maybe too much time has passed and we can't be like before. I thought things could be different and we'd be good, but I was wrong. Good night, Troy."
"Good night, Charlotte. Sweet dreams."
The next day at work I do everything I can to focus on what I'm doing so I don't think about him.
"Delivery!" I look up and see Aubree walk in with something from edible arrangements.
Aubree's another manager and she's been with the spa for over two years. She's a beautiful girl with dark brown hair and matching eyes. She's petite, curvy, and has a very innocent face. I haven't gotten a chance to really know the girls at the spa and I make a note to really get to know them and make sure they know I'm here if they need anything.
"What the what?"
She puts down the delicious chocolate covered fruit and reads the note. "Had a great time with you last night, Charlotte. Have a great day and I hope to talk to you soon. Reed." Aubree eyes me and fans herself with the note. "And who is Reed?"
I snatch the note from her hands and read it again. Gah. Reed? Really? He's texted me a few times here and there and I'll respond to be nice, but that's it.
"It's just a guy I met," I tell her and fall back into my chair. "He's hot as sin and that's it."
"Really?"
"There's no spark." He's no Troy.
"Maybe if you give it time. This is really sweet of him. Try it again. You never know," Aubree smiles and sits down as she opens the wrapper and we devour the deliciousness of fruit and chocolate.
Biting into the sweet pineapple, I take out my phone and text Reed.
Me: Thank you so much for the edible arrangement . . . You didn't have to do that.
Reed: I wanted to, sweetpea.
"He fucking calls me sweetpea," I groan and show Aubree, who thinks it's the funniest thing in the world and chokes on her strawberry. "Serves you right for making fun of me."
Me: Well, thank you . . . It was sweet of you.
Reed: I hope you have a great day and text me when you're free.
Me: Ok.
I put down my phone and grab another piece of fruit.
"Stop thinking," Aubree scolds. "You're an independent, strong, sassy, sexy, single woman! You deserve to be happy and fully satisfied."
"Oh my goodness," I laugh. "This is the most I've seen you talk. What's going on with you?"
Aubree waves me off and heads back to the front counter to help Zara. I roll my eyes and text Jessica to update her on Reed and Troy.
Jessica: Try again with Reed. He's smoking hot.
Me: Not all about looks though.
Jessica: Listen I get it. Sometimes it's hard to accept, but moving on is good for you.
Me: But the flirting and the push and pull.
Jessica: Remember what I said. If he wants you he'll show it . . . He won't allow someone else to come in and fall in love with you.
Me: Yeah.
Jessica: Don't be sad. Get pretty for your date and it'll be a good thing k?
Me: K.
I finish work and leave an hour early to go home and get ready. It's quiet when I walk inside. Walking up the stairs one by one to my bedroom I strip out of my clothes and get in the shower. Letting the warm water fall down my skin, I rest my head against the shower wall and close my eyes.
I won't cry.
I won't cry.
Life isn't a fairy tale. I can't expect love to happen in an instant or a blissful reunion . I repeat the words from our past in my head, and the flirtatious moments only we know about. Deciding to move on and fully date leaves a gap I didn't realize I had until this moment. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I think about Troy and his voice fills my head.
It's complicated.
I can't be near you.
You need to leave.
And I wonder why I'm still holding on. When someone doesn't want you and they don't give you a reason to hold on, then let go and move on to the next chapter of your life.
Only, it's not that simple. You can't let go of a love as long as I've loved Troy. This isn't a high school crush, or loving him because he's hot. This is the type of love that burns in your soul, bringing you back to life, and breathing in the pleasures of knowing someone is there to make you smile. When I look at Troy, I'm home. He's my home. He's my person. Love isn't deceitful and shouldn't make you cry. Love doesn't come from toxicity. It's pure and true. It's simply love.
Chapter 17
Troy
What the hell am I doing?
I stand in front of Will's house wondering if I should walk in and see what they're doing. Instead I'm standing out here like a fool.
Last night's conversation doesn't sit well with me. My heart broke when I heard her telling me those things. I pushed her away and I wanted this, but it doesn't feel right. I can't treat her like a friend because as soon as I'm near her, I'm done for. The power she has over me, still, to this day, doesn't make it easy.
It's late, close to midnight, and I couldn't sleep. I tried working out and keeping myself busy. Nothing's working. The kiss is on my mind. I dream about it and wish for more. I curse under my breath. I need to talk to her and make sure she's okay. Since the day on the boat, things haven't been good between us. I had to be honest with her and let her know what was going on in my head.
Pacing the front porch, I look around and realize how quiet it is outside. I'm stalling. Fuck! I'm an idiot. Even though I can't sleep, I know for damn sure I shouldn't be here. The night sky hangs above me. Dark, black, and ominous.
"Shit," I mutter and decide to use my key to walk in. The house is quiet until I step closer to the living room and hear the television on. Looking over, I see Charlotte lying down on the couch with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn. "Hey."
"Ahhhhhhhhh," she screams and jumps from the couch. I hear a door open and Will running down the stairs. "Troy?"
"What the fuck, man? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd come over," I smile, hoping Will doesn't slam me on the ground.
"Couldn't sleep," he repeats and eyes me. "Okay. There's beer in the fridge if you want and since your ass woke me up, I'll take one too." I nod and curse under my breath. I knew coming here was stupid.
Or maybe it's not. I don't do things without thinking or with regret. I want to be here whether or not Will's happy about seeing me so late in the night with his sister on the couch. I'm wound up tight and need a release.
And seeing her is my release.
"Charlotte, do you want anything to drink?"
"More wine," she calls out and I hear her shuffling. When I look over my shoulder I see the shorts and shirt she has on and my eyes travel down her long legs. Quickly turning my head I grab the beers and look for wine. "Why are you here," she whispers in my ear.
"Told you, I couldn't sleep."
"Or," she suggests and takes the wine from my hand. "You felt like an asshole about how you've been treating me and want to explain yourself," she tells me while pouring the white wine into her nearly full glass. "Just a thought."
Chewing on my lip I lean back on the counter and look over to where Will's sitting. He's watching some rerun and isn't paying attention to us. Craning my head towards Charlotte, I smirk. "Being around you is hard," I emphasize the last word and see the desire back in her eyes. Her eyes follow mine and she nods her head, taking a drink of her wine again. "I've explained it to you and I need you to understand."
She nods as we head back to the living room. I hand the beer to Will and he asks what we were talking about. "She had some questions about a workout she's doing."