I’m choked by emotion, unable to speak.
And if I could speak, what would I say? Don’t bank your life with me. Yes, I want that, too, but I don’t see it like you do. I fight for it daily, but ultimately, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay.
I can’t.
So, like the coward I am, I say nothing and conceal my weakness. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I bury my face into him.
Lifting my legs, Carrick brings them around his waist, and he carries me back to bed.
Gently laying me down on the mattress, still inside me, he rests his head on my chest, and that’s where he stays for the rest of the night.
“I SHOULD BE DOWN THERE, doing last-minute checks.”
“Babe, relax, Ben and Robbie have got it. The car’s fine. She’s more than ready. You’re more use to me here.” He wraps his arms around my waist from behind. Chin resting on my shoulder, he stares out the window in front of us. “I like having you here with me before a race. You’re my new pre-race ritual.”
That should make me feel warm and safe, but it doesn’t. Nothing can penetrate the wall of fear that’s built up inside me.
I’ve been riding on nerves all day, nerves that I’ve been fighting to conceal from Carrick. I don’t want to put his focus off. I don’t want him worrying about me. I want him focused on his race.
I haven’t been able to eat all day. I hardly slept last night. After Carrick carried me to bed, I just lay there, watching him, as he slept on me. As I ran my fingers through his hair, my body was stiff from the weight of him, but I couldn’t move because I didn’t want to. I was scared that it could be my last night with him, and I needed him as close to me as possible. I needed to hold him.
I’m so scared that this race is going to take him from me.
I know I’m being irrational. But I can’t help it. It feels beyond my control now.
I wish I were different. Wish that I were stronger for him.
When did things get so bad for me?
The moment I fell in love with him.
My fear just keeps escalating, growing like a monster. And I just keep having the insistent urge to tell him to not go out there. To stay here with me forever. To never leave.
Each race has just gotten worse than the one before, and I wonder when it’s going to reach its peak and if that peak will be manageable. Right now, it’s barely feeling tolerable.
I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff, staring down at the rocky bottom, with no choice but to fall.
“Babe…talk to me.”
My mind jolts back to him. “About?” I try to keep my voice even, light.
“About why your body is locked up tight even though I’m wrapped around you.”
I turn my head, looking at him. “I’m just a little nervous…about the race.”
“I’ve told you, there’s nothing to be nervous about. You’ve seen me race a hundred times before.”
“Not exactly a hundred times. And you weren’t the most important person in my life then.” The words fall from my lips. It was the wrong thing to say but the right thing to say for so many differing reasons.
His eyes fill with warmth and everything he feels for me, which I know is a lot. I just don’t know exactly how much.
Carrick hasn’t said that he loves me.
Even though I want him to love me, a part of me—the cowardly part—doesn’t want him to. If he did, it would make everything so much harder.
“You know that goes both ways, right? You’re at the top of my list…not that it’s a long list. Well, actually, there’s only you and my dad on it.”
He grins, turning me in his arms to face him. I brush my thumb over the curve of his smile, and he bites down playfully on it.
“I like that you worry about me, but you do remember who I am, right? Carrick Ryan, best driver in the world. I’ve got this racing shit down pat, babe. I’m going to do this race, and then we’ll celebrate my win in bed where I’m going to fuck you six ways from Sunday.”
I force a smile. “Only six ways?”
“There’s my girl.” He brushes his lips over mine. “God, I fucking adore you, Andressa.”
And I love you, Carrick.
There’s a knock at the door before I can reply.
“Time.” Ben’s head pops around the door.
“Coming.” Carrick gives me another kiss.
I can taste his pre-ritual race Galaxy chocolate on his tongue, and for some reason, it chokes tears in my throat, bringing that desperation rising in me again.
Curling my fingers into his racing overalls, I press harder to his mouth, needing more from him.
Giving me what I want, his arms come around me, crushing me to his body. He kisses me almost like it’s the first and last time he ever will.