Revelations(86)

And naturally he knows just what I’m thinking. He has that omnipotent thing going on. Wonder how I ever forget that?

“No, it wasn’t Lucifer’s doing. He had nothing to do with it.” He pulls down the thick black glasses that sit atop his nose, looking at me over the top of them—

must be for effect, he has perfect eyesight. “Want to tell me anything, Judas?” As He speaks, He takes a seat on the rail of the pool table, setting His cue onto the table, and motions to me to do the same. Which I do, reluctantly. I feel as if I’m about to be lectured. And I suppose I do deserve it, strictly speaking. For even thinking of consorting with the Devil. Even if it was for a good reason. The best reason I can think of.

But when I’m face to face with Him, somehow I’m not sure He’s going to see it my way at all.

So, seeing as I really can’t lie to him, and I really don’t want to anyway, I bite the big one, find my balls, take a deep breath and just say what’s on my mind. And in my heart.

“All right then, here it is, the whole truth. I’m in love with your son, and I have been for a very long time. I don’t think it’s fair he’s forbidden from having a regular life, that he’s used as a human sacrifice time after time after time. I just want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to live for a long, long time, until he’s a very happy old man. And then he deserves to die peacefully, in his bed, for once, when his time comes.” There, I said it. Let him make of it what he will.

“And is that why you agreed to Lucifer’s terms?”

“Well, it sure wasn’t ’cause I wanted to get fucked by him.” I feel my face flush, but at least the stammer’s disappeared. Nothing worse than a stammering fool. Why do I have this incurable tendency to have a really big mouth at the worst possible times? I really should watch my tongue sometimes, although I know I never will.

He throws back his head and laughs, a deep booming laugh, rich and throaty. I guess that’s a good sign. I was half expecting thunderbolts, scowls, and divine retribution. I know, He’s not Zeus, it’s just a metaphor. By the time He’s done laughing, He’s wiping at his eyes. “Judas, you’re priceless,” He comments with a chuckle. “I can always count on you to speak your mind, can’t I? No matter what it is. No wonder my son loves you so much. And has for many years.” Okay, that one catches me unawares. I mean hearing it from his father and all.

So matter-of-factly, even. But what did I expect? God is all about love, all kinds of love. Would you really expect Him to look down on ours? My only concern was He might find me personally objectionable, or just not good enough for Jesus.

Guess I’ll have to rethink that. And examine my own blindness to what must’ve been right in front of me all this time. Damn.

“Which is why he made his own deal with Lucifer.”

“He what?” My jaw drops to the floor, and I damn near fall off the pool table in my surprise.

“Jesus made pretty much the same deal with Lucifer that you did. To save you, he was going to allow the devil his due, so to speak.” He was going to let Lucifer do what to him? Oh no, not that, surely not that? I know I shouldn’t feel indignant but I do. Not at Jesus. All right, maybe a little at Jesus. Mostly at Lucifer, for even daring suggest such a thing. “But he didn’t…I mean Lucifer didn’t…they didn’t…did they?” Is there a question in there? I’m not even sure. Dammit, do I even have a right to be jealous over something I myself was prepared to do? Yeah, I think I do, by my own twisted logic.

“No more than between you and Lucifer,” is the reassuring reply. All right, I can relax a little. Although this is a very weird conversation to be having with my lover’s father.

“You and he had a common goal, whether you realized it or not,” he continues.

I wait for him to say that it consisted of outwitting Him. “Self-sacrifice.” Not what I’d expected. “You were each willing to give up a part of yourself in order to save the other one, to make sure the other was happy. You were willing to move beyond the parameters of the plan to do so, too. Despite the script.” Uh oh, here it comes. The lecture for ruining His plans, going against the will of God thing. At this point, what do I have to lose? Jesus is still alive, and I’m dead. He can’t hurt me, and He won’t hurt him. And if He appreciates honesty, let Him have it.

“I’d do anything to make him happy, to keep him safe. Even if it means going against what you’ve told us to do. I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel about it. I love him too much to see him suffer.”