I certainly cannot complain about the accommodations here; they’re far more comfortable than some of the places I’ve been incarcerated in over the years. I understand the Sheriff is simply doing his duty. He’s trying his best to help me, but he doesn’t realize there is nothing he can do, that none of his efforts will make any difference. I cannot make him understand that, but he’ll have to accept it, someday.
Very soon, in fact. I hope he gets his wish for better things, as long as it’s good for his family as well. His wife is so very kind, and their daughter most delightful.
Little Sarah Kaplan is the sweetheart of my apostles. She not only sits with us while I talk to the boys, she converses with them, and they adore her. She accepts them as being who they are, and she never questions me or them. Ah, the innocence of childhood.
It’s taken a while, but Sheriff Kaplan has finally recognized Mary M. for who she is—in this time, that is. Which is a very successful pop singer. He’s seen the flyer about tonight’s benefit, so he knows exactly what will be going on, and he’s even discussed security arrangements with Mary. She’s assured him she’s providing security for this event. But knowing the sheriff, as I’m coming to do, I think he’ll insist upon being there himself, as he was for our own. I’m not sure what arrangements he’ll make regarding the jail. I know he won’t leave me, or it, unguarded. Perhaps he’ll set his deputy in place over me. I also speculate as to whether Lucifer’s followers will redirect their current efforts toward the concert, rather than at me. I cannot be sure. Actually, I’m not sure of anything at this very moment. I find myself filled with self-doubt as well as a severe case of nerves. But I manage to hide both, for the sake of those I love. At least I hope it doesn’t show.
I can’t help but worry about Judas—he took me by surprise this afternoon. I hadn’t expected that, hadn’t realized how very vulnerable he is, although I blame myself, for I should have. I could feel him so very clearly, even though we were miles apart. I could feel his distress, like a knife slicing through my heart. Despite his protestations, I think there’s more to the story than he’s letting on. But I didn’t want to press him. What useful purpose would that serve? None. Maybe tonight he’ll confide in me fully, share his thoughts and feelings. I’m hoping so, anyway.
And if that’s hypocritical on my part, knowing the things I’m withholding from him—maybe it is, but it’s for his own good.
I did receive a confession today, not entirely unexpected, from the apostle who caused harm to Judas. I won’t mention any names, as I don’t see it will gain anything, but he did ask for my forgiveness, and I gave it. With the understanding there’ll be no more of that, ever again. I didn’t demand an apology, and neither shall I tell Judas. I don’t think it will do anyone any good, and perhaps it might cause more harm than good if he knew who it was.
I wonder what Jude will do with his life once I’m gone. Will he ever have contact with any of them again? Or will he strike out on his own, do something else with his newly extended life? Will he continue with the work we’ve begun?
He’ll be able to do whatever he likes, whatever he can imagine. He’s so very clever, how can he help but succeed at whatever he chooses to do? As long as he’s happy. That’s what counts. The only thing that counts. His happiness.
I can’t help but wonder, though, if he’ll ever forgive me? Either in this world or the next?
None of my disciples have any inkling of my intentions, which is how I wish it to remain. I don’t think they’ll divine them, either. Mary M, though, is the one I need to watch out for. She’s a very smart woman, and she knows me so very well.
I can’t afford to let her have any idea what’s going to happen, or she’ll try to stop me, of that I have no doubt. But she can’t, it’s already set in motion. And I don’t want her to. She’ll be my last visitor, for after that she and the boys will need to get ready for tonight. I’m glad we’ll have this time together, our last for a while.
My mind’s wandering, I need to pay closer attention to what she’s saying before she becomes suspicious. She’s telling me who else will be playing tonight, and I have to admit I’m quite impressed she has such connections in the music business. I’m very proud of her. They’re well-known names, from what I understand. It’s strictly due to her influence, her ability to make friends and keep them. It’ll certainly be a diverse concert. One of the musicians is a famous heavy metal singer while another has been well known in the rock world for many years.