Father, have mercy on me, please, help me to understand…so many things…
I must concentrate. I have to concentrate. It is time. I step toward the front of the stage, past the members of my little group, hoping they’ll understand the changes I’m making, and not be upset by them. I try to focus on the message I wish to convey. Tonight will be different. I’m not going to preach my usual first night sermon. There is something else I wish to say. There is something inside me that demands release. I don’t need to think about what I want to say. The thoughts are being born, even as I take my mark. The words enter my head as I speak them, as if they exist on internal cue cards visible to no one else save me. I have so little time, and so much I want to say. So much I need to say.
“The greatest gift God gave to the world was the gift of love,” I begin, my eyes scanning the crowd. I’d be lying if I said I don’t know what I’m looking for. Or who. “The most important ability and the most important need he gave to man…
was love.” I know these are not the words of the script, but they are the words which fill my heart, and I must say them, now, before I lose them. I don’t want to lose them. I want them to resonate within the minds and hearts of my listeners, as well as my own. And his. I’m afraid to turn my head toward my apostles. I’m afraid of what I might see—surprise, confusion, doubt? Perhaps I’m simply projecting. Perhaps I’m underestimating them, and in their eyes I’ll see reflected trust and understanding. All I ask is that they have faith in me, in us, in this. That requires I have faith in them, as well.
“Love is the glue that binds us. It is the great equalizer, and there is nothing in the world that can come close to matching the power of love in all of its manifestations. Love of our friends and family, love of nature, love of self, love of the world we live in, and greatest of all, of course, is our deep and abiding love for God, which is returned many fold, and in many ways, and which lives deep within our hearts.” My heart is pounding, my palms are sweaty, but in all honesty it’s not the heat of the stage lights which is having this effect upon me. It is my own inner turmoil, this war I feel is being waged within my soul, and about which I know not what to do. I force myself to concentrate, but it’s hard. I’ve found him, although if I hadn’t been so overwrought I would have done so sooner, as he’s in his usual place. Mary M is with him, though, and I pray they are in harmony, one with the other. That is my devout wish. Even though I probably know better. My eyes are upon them as I continue to speak.
“Love lives within all of us. It’s what makes us unique, our ability to share these feelings with other people, people we don’t even know.” I cross my hands over my chest, as if by doing so I can still the wild beating of my heart. “To share what is in our hearts, to share what this world contains in abundance with everyone in it. There is no reason why people should go hungry, no reason why there should be poverty, why people should hate one another and commit acts of violence upon one another. Wars solve nothing, not even those waged in the name of God. He never asked for them, nor does he condone them…” Oh mercy, what now? It’s obvious to me they’re fighting—what else is new—and now he has disappeared.
Where has he gone? Jude, come back, I want to cry after him. Let me fix what is wrong. But I cannot say the words aloud, coward that I am, and I dare not interrupt my train of thought. Not now. Later, perhaps. If I’m given the chance.
My eyes continue to scan the faces before me, and now they meet those of my mother, rest upon her for a moment. Her smile is encouraging. She is my rock, my anchor, my petra. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She has always been there for me, always listened to me when I’ve had my moments of doubt. Yes, even I who am His son have those moments. She encourages me to seek my father’s advice and wisdom, offers her own words as well. And she is invariably right. Of all of those that accompany me, she alone (with the possible exception of Thomas) doesn’t chide me in regard to Judas. She understands everything without being told. Probably understands more than I do, which isn’t hard to do.
“There are those who claim to speak in God’s name, those who claim they invoke His will. They say they know how He thinks and feels. When these people carry messages filled with love and understanding, I say that’s a good thing. But when they choose to speak out against others, against certain groups of people, and they cite the Bible as the source of their hatred, then I must tell you that is not pleasing to God, not at all. Why do you think he would advocate love for all, and then deny it to some simply because of who they are? Did He not make them the way they are? Who are these others to decide that someone is wrong on the basis of the color of their skin, or the religion they believe in, or their sexual orientation?