Revelations(23)

He turns toward me. I’m startled at what I see in his eyes—naked fear and confusion and something else, something I can’t quite put my finger on. Now I’m confused. Is it possible that Mr. Know-it-all Iscariot is frightened of something? Or someone? Once he recognizes me, the momentary illusion is dispelled. His eyes grow opaque as he seals himself off from me so I can’t see inside. Maybe he’s afraid he’s shown me too much.

“Leave me alone,” is all he deigns to snarl as he turns his attention back to the stage. I can’t be gotten rid of quite so easily. I grab his arm, undaunted by his usual sullenness, force him to face me again. “You…have done this…I know it,” I accuse him.

I can hear Jesus singing the chorus now. The way he sings the words, sings kyrie eleison, echoing in the haunting chorus…

My God, it’s so very plaintive, so very evocative. An unwilling sob is drawn from my throat as I listen. I’m caught up in the emotions that I can feel in Jesus’

voice, the ones that have impelled him to this, even as I face down the one who has undoubtedly brought this about, the architect of his sorrow. In the meantime, the song has ended, and Jesus has moved to the front of the stage and is speaking. I’m too distracted to attend to his words, though.

My attention is fastened on Judas. To my shock, I see a tear slip down his cheek, and then another. Any further words I might’ve used are momentarily arrested at the sight.

“Leave me alone!” he repeats hoarsely, in a voice choked with tears. He looks at me, and then at Jesus. But before I can say anything else, he pulls away from me. With one last anguished look toward the stage, he pushes his way through the crowd around us. Before I can react, he’s lost to my view.

What can I say? I’m completely speechless. And for the first time in two thousand years, I suspect there might be more to Judas Iscariot than meets the eye.

And I find myself almost feeling sorry for him.

Is it possible that he…actually…loves…Jesus? That this lust-filled obsession is more than it appears to be on the surface, that his feelings for him are real? To be honest, I would’ve thought the man incapable of any true emotions. But just now, the look in his eyes… It’s shaken me more than I care to admit. Is that what Mary meant with her cryptic remark? What else does she know? And what else is going to happen that we don’t know about yet? I have no choice but to wait and see, don’t I? This must be it, the variable I was speaking of. But I still haven’t quite figured it out.

Dear God, please, please hear my words. Your son needs you. He needs you very badly. I guess you know that, of course you know that. I don’t doubt you do.

But sometimes it must be hard to answer his pleas when there are so many others.

All I ask is that you help him through this time. I know this is always the hard part for him. And yes, I’ll do what I can, as well. Yes, I do love him, very much. Amen.





Chapter Thirteen: Thomas


Tonight’s been odd, to say the least. Jesus is singing something he’s never sung before. I’m lucky I even know the words. I probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the fact I heard Judas sing it once before. Yeah, Judas sings, hard as that is to believe.

But not in front of anyone, and I only heard him by accident, I think, just that one time—he must’ve thought he was alone. He wasn’t bad, I don’t know why he doesn’t sing with us, but maybe I really do know—they don’t want him to, I guess.

Jesus seems so—agitated, upset, frightened—I’m not sure just what the right word is. I watch him standing there at the front of the stage, singing his heart out, and then I look for Judas. I know where he’ll be. He pretty well always stands in the same spot when Jesus sings. I wonder if maybe he has some idea what’s going on.

Oh mercy, he and Mary are into it again, I can see that from here. And now Judas has run off. Maybe I should find him later, see if he’s okay. See if he needs me.

The other guys seem as confused as I am, but we keep playing. What else would we do? I don’t know who I want to comfort more—Jesus or Judas? There’s something very wrong here. I wish I knew what it was.

The song is ending now. Jesus is beginning to speak. I wonder what he intends to say. Will he follow the script, or will this be different too?





Chapter Fourteen: Jesus


I don’t know what inspired me to sing that particular song, or why I felt the need to break with the program and interject myself into it in that way. No, that’s not being truthful, not at all. I do know what inspired me. It’s this confusion that reigns within my brain, this fire that burns incessantly within my heart. This overwhelming feeling of feelings…