Revelations(11)

I consider the question for a minute, going back and forth between going and staying. Between talking to Judas and swimming with the others. Finally I take a deep breath, and I follow Judas. I may be sorry for this, but all I can do is try.

He’s inside the tent, probably doing last minute checks for tonight. What’s the worst that can happen? He can yell at me. Won’t be the first time.

I know better than to ask him what happened. I know he won’t tell me and he’ll just get mad that I asked. So I act like I didn’t see anything, which is mostly true, since I didn’t hear a word, and saw very little. I go to the table I’ll be sitting at, and put out some more brochures. I straighten up the ones that are there, racking my brain over what to say. Finally, I settle on asking a question. On a neutral subject.

“Do you think I should fan some of these out?” I indicate some of the pamphlets on the table with a wave of one hand. I know he knows I’m here, even if he hasn’t said a word. Yet.

“Yes. Do that. That’s a good idea.”

Well, at least he isn’t yelling at me. It’s a good start. He walks over and watches me as I fan them out so they’re easy to pick up. I sneak a quick peek at him. He’s staring at the table, but I don’t think he’s looking at it. I feel so sorry for Judas. I just want to help. I wish he’d let me. At least I think he trusts me a little bit, which is more than I can say for the others. But he has his reasons, and I respect them.

“Can I help with something?” I give him a moment before I ask. Part of me expects him to tell me to get the hell out, he doesn’t need any help. But he doesn’t.

He just nods. I wish he’d smile, he’s handsome when he smiles. He doesn’t do it near enough.

This is good, though. We work together, getting things ready and even though we aren’t speaking, we aren’t not speaking either. I can live with this, just being together, and being friends. That’s all I really want. Despite what the others say, he is a good man. Would Jesus love him if he weren’t?





Chapter Five: Jesus


Judas, why do you have to be so difficult? Why can’t you simply be happy with what we have? Why do you have to be this way?

Sometimes I don’t understand that man. I admit it—he confuses me. I’m not perfect, although I do strive to perfection. I’ve a long, long way to go before I get there, and I realize it. I’ve so very much to learn.

Judas, why cannot you love Mary, love everyone? You seem so very…angry. I wish I knew how to please you, to bring a smile to your face. Your very lovely face. I try my best, and sometimes I do succeed. But not nearly often enough.

Tell me what to do, tell me how you feel, really feel…

Father, I’m so very confused. Why does Judas confuse me like no other? What am I supposed to do here, how can I make things right between us when he isn’t even speaking to me?

I understand that being your son comes with grave responsibilities. But you’ve counseled me that I’m also a man, like other men. Is this where the confusion arises, from these feelings I don’t understand? Please send me some sort of sign, tell me what to do, how to feel. How to deal with my feelings.

Father, please counsel me. I know this is a selfish request, when so many others are in need of you, but perhaps a moment of your time? A father/son thing?

Judas, please, don’t be jealous of her. Of course I love her, I love everyone.

I love you, Judas…

Oh mercy, tonight is going to be rough, I can feel it.





Chapter Six: Judas


Damn that bitch! Damn her to hell!

She didn’t have to show up like that! She wasn’t needed! She’s never needed!

Things were going fine without her. And now, because of her, he and I have fought. I’m sure she must be very pleased with herself, smug little bitch that she is.

She forgets that by hurting me in this way, she’s also hurting him. All she can see is getting even with me. For what reason, I don’t know. Some imagined slight, perhaps, in our long inglorious common past? Or is it simply because I refuse to fuck her? Women—who can figure them out? Certainly not me.

You know something? If I could, I’d kill the bitch, but what’s the point? She’d just come back again. Like a bad penny. Like a reverse good luck charm.

I’m kidding, of course. Not about wanting to, mind you, but about actually doing it. Even we aren’t allowed to commit such venal sins. It’s not like we have carte blanche to do as we wish. We have to obey the laws of the land that we live in. Well, mostly. Never mind, not going there at the moment. And Jesus is perfect, of course, he follows the path of righteousness simply because it is the path of righteousness and the proper thing to do.