“Jake,” she said sweetly, “I need you to let me sink or swim on my own. I love that you want to take care of me, but until I figure out how to accept it, you’re just going to push me away.”
If there were a wall in front of him, he’d bang his head on it. “Maybe you should start thinking about how hard you’re pushing me away.” This time when the phone went silent, it was Jake who ended the call.
Chapter Twenty-One
WEDNESDAY ADDY HIKED all day, trying to get her arms around her inability to hold her tongue. She needed to get her act together. This was supposed to be a time of reflection and rejuvenation, to dig deep and discover just how strong she really was. So far, she wasn’t impressed. Sure, she’d made it hiking five or six miles on a daily basis, and navigated back to her campsite without calling in search and rescue, but until Wednesday night she couldn’t even make it a single night without hearing Jake’s voice. What was that all about? She was determined to figure her shit out, and she hiked from sunup until sundown and had fallen asleep in her clothes without even eating dinner.
Thursday morning she forced herself to push through her aches and pains, which wasn’t nearly as difficult as pushing through the all-consuming craziness going on inside her chest. The pit of her stomach knotted up thinking about how her call with Jake had ended Tuesday night, especially after it had started out so intimately. She knew it was her fault, but she was at a loss about how to make her stupid mouth stop spouting off before she had time to think through her responses. She needed to figure out why that was and what she wanted.
I want Jake.
But I also want my independence.
She was in dire need of straight talk from her bestie. And yes, Gabriella was on her honeymoon and probably wanted nothing to do with Addy’s relationship woes, but considering she’d never had any relationship woes before, Addy figured Gabby owed her one.
She powered up her phone to send her a text, secretly hoping she might have missed a text from Jake last night and refusing to allow disappointment to take hold when there were no messages from him. That was her own fault. His offer to bring her extra batteries for her phone before teaching a class was beyond sweet and generous. But was it stepping over a line? Infringing on her independence? Or was that just her insecurities from her past peeking its ugly head in where it didn’t belong? Cognitively she knew the answer, but when he’d offered, her knee-jerk reaction had kicked in, and she’d treated him as if his motivation had been to invade her privacy or fix things for her, as if she couldn’t deal with them on her own.
Her glaring screw-up was too painful to dissect. She sent Gabriella a quick text. I set out to test my boundaries and find myself and now I’m more lost than ever. WTF? Please tell me I’m not so fucked up that I can’t love and be loved. She tossed her phone into her backpack, bound and determined to figure her shit out, and a six-mile hike to Pirate’s Peak would provide the solitude she needed.
But first she needed to get her butt out of the tent and down to the stream, where she had another issue to conquer. How to manage getting in and out of the frigid water without muddy feet. Maybe she should skip rinsing off. She was just going to get dirty again during her hike.
Maybe I can get used to being smelly and having dirty hair. That was not a goal she wanted to achieve. She gathered her supplies and headed down to the stream. Along the way she came up with a plan for staying out of the mud.
She grabbed an armload of fallen branches with leaves and pine needles still intact and spread them out along the shore, creating a large enough area for her to stand on while she dried off and dressed. That was her first win for the day. When she returned to the campsite she remembered toilet paper when she had to pee. Win number two. And when she tripped and fell over a log, splitting open her knee, she cleaned and bandaged it like a pro. Win number three. Not wanting to push her luck on her hike, she put the damn compass in her pocket, stowed her journal, extra energy bars, water, supplies for dinner, the camping books she’d forgotten to read, and a hoodie in her backpack. She rolled up her sleeping bag and blanket, and secured them to the pack, dragging it the first few feet as she rolled her shoulders to loosen them up before her trek. A night at Pirate’s Peak, a change in scenery, would give her a chance to clear her head.
The first few hours of her hike were a test of her fortitude, as the steep incline caused her muscles to fatigue. But she was determined to make it, and pushed on, crossing over bare areas of grass and rocks and into thick forests of trees. Prickly limbs snapped against her chest, piercing her clothing like needles. She stopped several times to rest, but she forgave herself instead of beating herself up for it. Like her relationship with Jake, sometimes she needed to slow down to move forward.
Her real adventure started in the late afternoon when she arrived at the bottom of Pirate’s Peak. She dropped her pack to the ground, rolled her shoulders back to loosen the ache they were growing accustomed to, and gazed up at the incredible, intimidating sight before her. It looked like someone had plunked a mountain of rock on the ground, then split it with a few uneven swipes of a giant ax, creating a perfect slope of jagged rocks to make it possible to climb. Addy drew in a deep breath, second-guessing her decision to not only climb to the peak, but to spend the night there as well. She’d gotten comfortable in her tent. The ridge felt like her private oasis, but this was new territory, and she had no idea what she’d find at the top of those rocks. Jake’s serious face appeared in her mind. She could almost feel his eyes boring into her. Why, sexy girl? Why do you have to do this alone?
She was beginning to wonder that herself. She took a long drink from her water bottle, wiped the sweat from her forehead, and turned to take in the views. What am I really doing out here? Until she figured out what was missing in her life, how could she embrace the idea of sharing it with Jake?
Beyond the tips of tall pines, rolling hills plunged to a cavernous valley. She could barely make out the structures, but a town was discernible by snaking roads and a flatter landscape. A lake lay still as glass, reflecting the late-afternoon sun. Sweetwater. Logan had told her all about the quaint town with cobblestone streets and old-fashioned storefronts. Maybe she and Jake could plan a trip together and visit the town. There was so much beauty outside of the city. Why had she waited this long to explore? The urge to call Jake and share her excitement with him fluttered inside her. As gorgeous as the view was, and as thrilled as she was to finally get this far on her journey, something was still missing. This trip had seemed like such an exciting and necessary idea when she’d seen all the places Jake had been and witnessed the things he’d accomplished. But now she realized it wasn’t the places he’d been that had captured her attention. Captured my heart. It went so much deeper. It was his dedication to helping people. His loyalty to what he believed in, his loyalty to his family.
And your loyalty to me.
He never looked at the camera because he knew the secret to happiness. It wasn’t in others seeing that he could achieve something, or that he adored his family. His happiness came from within, from doing the things he loved. Seeing those pictures sparked something bigger than just the need to prove she could get off her comfy couch and climb a mountain. But she’d spent so many years proving to herself, to her family, to anyone who might look at her like a girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth, that she was more, she hadn’t seen what was right in front of her. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. Jake’s voice floated into her mind again. I know you’re there with me. Nothing else matters.
Her eyes drifted to Sweetwater again, and she imagined walking along the cobblestone streets with him. Sitting at the edge of the lake getting drunk on his kisses. The truth she’d been trying to outrun clung to her like a second skin. She needed him. She missed the way butterflies nested in her belly when he smiled, and the way he looked at her. God, the way he looked at her. He had a way of seeing parts of her that no one else had ever taken the time to see. You need a man who can put up with your shit and slap your ass.
Her eyes welled up and she swiped at the tears. When had she become a fountain of emotions? Laughing to herself, she turned back toward the last leg of today’s journey. She couldn’t stand there and daydream all day. The sun would soon give way to darkness, and when that happened she wanted to be set up on Pirate’s Peak. Her body still wasn’t used to the daily climbing, and even the thought of scaling that mountainous rock made her tired, but she wasn’t a quitter.
I’m proud of you. Be safe, sexy girl. Jake’s voice gave her the push she needed.
She’d missed him too much when she’d first read those words to feel the full impact of his praise. Now, as she stared up at the rock face, she was excited to take a picture at the peak and text it to him. She finally had someone to share her accomplishments with. She had Gabriella, but sharing her accomplishments with a girlfriend was different from sharing them with a man she liked. Liked? I’m so far beyond like I can’t even see it anymore.
She gave her intimidating challenger a once-over. Having pored over articles written by hikers of all ages who had climbed Pirate’s Peak without any equipment, she knew she could do it, too. She assessed the deep ledges and long stretches of uneven rock, allowing plenty of space for fingerholds. As she hoisted her pack onto her back, a wave of doubt washed through her. Her pack wasn’t all that heavy, but it might make climbing something this challenging awkward. She stared at the rock face, which had gotten its name because of a darkened area of rock that resembled an eye patch, and the jagged horizontal crack about ten feet off the ground, which looked like an eerie sneer. I’ve come this far. I’m not about to let a pirate-faced rock beat me.