Hunter squinted at the scans on the lightbox. “So if I stop fighting, will it prevent another attack?”
“It would certainly help a great deal, but there are no guarantees. MS is an autoimmune disease. Your body is attacking itself and it’s very unpredictable.”
Hunter clammed up and looked down at the linoleum tiles on the floor. I could tell he was tense. He looked the same as when he stormed out of the clinic earlier. I stroked his hand gently, trying to provide whatever comfort I could.
Even if Hunter did everything he could to be healthy, his MS could still knock him down at any moment. It made any preventative action he took seem trivial. I was starting to understand why he felt so helpless.
“Is that all?” Hunter grunted. I could tell he was upset, but I didn’t know how to make it better.
“Yes, that’s all we can tell from the MRI. Treatment-wise, we don’t need to make adjustments. Have you been continuing with your injections regimen?”
Hunter nodded.
“Other than that, make sure you stay healthy and call the clinic immediately if you notice any new symptoms. Do you have any other questions?”
“Nah, thanks doc.” Hunter stood up and I followed his lead. Dr. Miller walked us out to the waiting area in front while Hunter seemed deep in thought.
After the doctor parted ways with us and Hunter had completed his post-visit paperwork at the front desk, I followed him outside in silence.
It seemed like we had avoided the worst case scenario, but there was still a terrifying cloud hanging over our head. Beyond that, we hadn’t even started talking about Hunter’s fighting. Would he be willing to give that up to stay healthy? I didn’t know, but what I did know was that it was a sensitive topic.
When we got to Hunter’s car we both sat down inside without a word. Hunter stared out the windshield without putting his key into the ignition. I thought about what to say to him, opening and closing my mouth several times. What could I even say though?
Hunter saved me by speaking first.
“Fighting was the one thing that made me feel alive,” he said, still looking out the front of the windshield.
I reached over and put a hand on his thigh to let him know that I was listening. His fighting was clearly a sensitive topic for him.
“After I got kicked out of ROTC, I was fucking lost. I’d been working at it for so long that when I realized it was over, I was outta control. Fighting gave me something to focus on.”
He turned to me, his eyes shining and intense.
“It was like a drug. I had boxed and wrestled a lot in high school, so it was like returning home for me. It was something I knew, something I had control over when everything else in my life was so fucking outta control.”
Listening to him talk like that made hot tears bead in my eyes. I knew how he felt. I knew what it was like to feel weak and helpless and lost. When you’re in that situation, the only thing you could do was look for something to hang onto so you wouldn’t drown.
“Yeah, I guess drawing is like that for me,” I whispered.
Hunter might have found something he could control in fighting but I didn’t know if I could watch him step into the cage again after what Dr. Miller had said. Even if it was the only thing that made him feel alive, how could I stand by and watch him slowly kill himself?
I took a deep breath. I had to tell him how I felt. “I don’t know if—” I started, my voice cracking.
He shook his head, “I knew it was stupid, fighting with my condition, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t even know how to stop.”
He reached over and smeared my tears off with his thumb.
“Lorrie, I’m done with all of that bullshit,” he said.
“Wh–what?” I mumbled.
“First I thought I needed the Air Force. Then when that was over, I thought I needed the fighting. But none of that shit matters. The only thing I need is you. I know I gotta face my disease the right way, not just for me, but for us. I can’t keep doing it the fucked-up stupid way I was doing it before.”
I watched him in disbelief. “Do you really mean that?”
“Yeah. I love you. I know how much it would hurt you if something awful happens because I’m being a dumbass.”
Hunter leaned over and kissed me, his lips warm and comforting against mine. We finally pulled apart.
“I love you too,” I said after, holding back tears. Seeing the way Hunter was handling this made my heart swell with pride. I was right about him. He was the strongest person I had ever met.
Chapter Sixteen
CLINT
The next day, Hunter seemed in a better mood and it was contagious. Even though some of what Dr. Miller had said was worrying, it was pretty good news overall, especially considering how much worse it could have been. Hunter spent the morning working on the dining room. It seemed like his new healthier attitude towards his condition was giving him new energy. I even felt excited about my session with Dr. Schwartz scheduled for the next day. I couldn’t wait to tell her about everything that had happened since our last talk.