Adam must sense me approaching because he quickly turns around. When he gives me that oh-so- God-for-sakes, sexy-as-fuck smile I feel my panties instantly get wet.
“Good morning, Erin,” he says, holding up his coffee mug. “Would you like some coffee?”
I nod my head to indicate ‘yes’, and he turns back around to reach into the cupboard for a mug, allowing me a view of his flexing arm muscles. FUCK ME. This attraction I feel for him brings all my insecurities to the forefront, and I hate myself for it. Why do I keep torturing myself by drooling and fantasizing over something I can never have? Fuck you Joel for making me feel this way about myself. Fuck You!
Adam hands me my coffee as I approach him, and I swear to all things holy that when I look up into his eyes to say thank you he is looking at me as if he wants to eat me for breakfast. But deep in my gut I know this can’t be true. Why would a man like him want a shattered, broken, fucking mess of a girl like me?
I politely say ‘thank you’ and make my way to the refrigerator to start making breakfast for Lucy and Sierra. Thinking about my little blonde haired baby girl instantly puts all of my bad thoughts about myself out of my head. Even though I am nothing to myself, I am everything to her, and she is the only thing in this world keeping me together.
“Hey, Erin.”
I jump at the sound of my name.
“Sorry, Adam. I have so much on my mind right now with this wedding in a few hours. What’s up?”
He looks at me with a strange expression as he stares at my chest. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be wearing that around the house anymore.”
I’m confused...I’m not quite sure what he’s talking about until I follow the direction of his gaze. Damn it! I am wearing nothing but a white tank top and boxer shorts. My nipples are poking out; standing at attention, for God’s sake. I feel my face get hot. I slam the eggs and milk on the counter and try to cover my chest up with my hands. I am such an idiot! I feel tears of embarrassment welling up in my eyes as I try to get back to my room as quickly as possible. As I push past Adam, he reaches out and grabs my wrist, pulling me toward him.
“Get your fucking hands off of me,” I growl, now feeling pissed off and just wanting to get out of there. He instantly releases me and holds his hands up in the air. Suddenly it’s too much. I drop to the floor and cover my face with my hands as the tears start to fall in earnest.
I don’t know how much time passes but I sense rather than see Adam sink to the floor next to me and take me in his arms. I feel so comforted and I let him hold me until the storm passes.
“I’m so sorry,” I finally choke out as I lay my head against his chest, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. I can feel him tense up at my words, and why wouldn’t he? He runs his hands up and down my back in a soothing way. God, it feels so good to be held by him. I feel so safe in his arms. No. I can’t think that. Before he has a chance to say anything to me, I pull myself up as fast as I can and run into my room, slamming the door shut behind me. I lean up against the back of the door and slowly sink to the floor. Bringing my legs up to my chest, I silently cry; not so much for the breakdown but more because it was heartbreaking being held by the one man I know I can never have.
************
After my breakdown with Adam I feel like a total idiot. God, what must he think of me now? I know he is aware of my past. Does he just feel sorry for me? Sometimes when I catch him looking at me I wonder what he is thinking. The last thing I want from Adam is pity. I don’t know what I think anymore. The only thing I do know is that I am no good for any man, especially a kind hearted, generous man like Adam Payne.
Thank goodness I have some time alone to get myself together. Adam has taken Sierra and Lucy to Shayne and Luke’s house where the wedding is taking place. Since the bride and groom are leaving today for a long weekend, the ceremony was planned to be very small and intimate with only close family and friends, followed by a light brunch. The two of them decided to wait and take a honeymoon after the baby is born. I smile when I think of the new baby that will arrive in early March. Their little one will bring so much joy into all of our lives.
Glancing at the clock, I realize I still have a few hours left before I need to leave, so I decide to take a bath to relax myself. A nice long morning bath with the heaviest head banging music I can find and a glass of wine is exactly what I need right now. Knowing Adam is gone, I go down to the kitchen. The smell of his cologne still lingers lightly in the air and for whatever reason, the spicy scent calms me. I reach up into the cupboard and pull down a wine glass, then pull the wine bottle out of the fridge. I pour myself a glass and return to my bedroom. As I strip my clothes off, I notice my reflection in the mirror as I walk by my dresser. I am immobilized as I look at myself. I despise seeing myself staring back at me. The walls start to slowly close in on me and I start to hyperventilate as I look at my naked body and wonder what it is that any man would find attractive about me at all. My eyes are too pale of a blue and I constantly have bags under them. My cheekbones seem too high and let’s not even get started on my backside. I set my wine glass down on the dresser and turn to look at my large ass.