And that’s true, Roz …
For some reason for the rest of the day, those particular words of Lucia’s stayed in Roz’s mind like a refrains.
She had stayed to lunch, and by the time she left, the only indication that she might not be her normal self was that she was a bit pale. Unless you looked closely into her eyes, which Roz did, and saw the guilt and the anxiety. But, as Roz had said to her, it’s an ill wind, and at least we understand each other now, and can be friends.
And that, she thought, as she watched the silver Alfa-Romeo drive away, is something of a miracle, because if anyone had told me I would one day achieve this kind of rapport with Lucia Whatney, I wouldn’t have believe it. And that is true, Roz.’
But before she turned to go back inside, she took a deep breath and concentrated carefully on how to project a carefree image to Milly and Jeanette, both of whom would be curious about the visit anyway.
It wasn’t until she was getting ready for bed that night that it occurred to her that she had put her heart and soul into allaying any suspicions Milly and Jeanette might have had to stop herself thinking about Adam. And had been highly successful—on both fronts. Except for those four words of Lucia’s she had so stupidly got on the brain.
But you can’t not think about its for ever, Roz, she told herself as she showered and changed..For example, didn’t he say that something had happened to him in Tokyo, something unexpected? And he didn’t actually deny it when I asked him if there was someone else. Is he really in Sydney on business?
She climbed into bed, the bed where Adam had made love to her so restrainedly the night before, and that was when the clinical numbness that seemed to have her mind in its grip faded, and she found herself hugging a pillow, dry-eyed but battered by so many emotions at last, the uppermost one disbelief. Even if it had happened in Tokyo, surely the way they were now meant there couldn’t be another woman in his life‘? But, the thought kept creeping in, the way they were now hadn’t been what Adam had planned for them, had it? She had almost forced it on him, and in the end, perhaps it had only been an act of kindness on his part. Poor Roz … she flinched. Poor lonely Roz.
And with that, belief came crowding in. Adam had been different, hadn’t he? In between times. But she’d closed her mind to it. Now she could only understand why. While she might be receiving his comfort and support, another woman had his heart, because despite
Lucia’s attempts to lay the spectre of a permanent relationship, didn’t it all fit in with what had happened since her twenty-first birthday? Yes …
Then, as the night wore on, came the thoughts she was to think of as the bottom line. What to do? Pretend she didn’t know‘? Be torn apart like Lucia? Was it worse or better to know there was only one other woman in your husband’s life rather than a succession of them? Worse, she decided. Because it meant he must love her.
Roz woke the next morning with nothing resolved in her mind and the knowledge that Adam would be home that night.
But one source of consolation was that she unexpectedly found herself alone during the day. It was Milly’s day off, but Jeanette, who had been looking somewhat subdued for a couple of days, finally broke down and admitted that she had toothache but hated going to the dentist.
Roz dosed her with aspirin and packed her off to her own dentist with stern admonitions not to return if she chickened out, then commanded her to spend the afternoon with her mother.
The pain must have got the upper hand, because Jeanette went like a lamb.
But the relief Roz felt at not having to act a part any longer was tempered by a sense of miserable confusion and intolerable sadness. She just didn’t know what to do next, and no amount of thinking about it seemed to help.
She finally wandered out to her new herb garden, observed that the weeds were growing a lot faster than the herbs and set out to get rid of them.
Half an hour later, hot and grubby, she glanced up suddenly, for no reason other than a suddenly uncomfortable feeling, to see Adam standing there watching her.
She gasped. ‘Adam! I didn’t hear you! Have you been home long?’ She scrambled up off her knees and pushed a strand of hair off her face, leaving a steak of dirt on her cheek.
He moved. ‘No—about five minutes. You were obviously engrossed.’
‘Yes. Yes, I was.’ She stripped off her gloves and brushed her white shorts and tucked in the back of her sky blue T-shirt. ‘I also wasn’t expecting you until this evening, but I’m not complaining. Isn’t it hot! Come in and I’ll make us something cool to drink. How was Sydney?’ she asked brightly.