‘Adam …’ she breathed, and quivered down the length of her body, so close to his, so ready, she thought with some despair, to be helped right out of her clothes and held, slim and soft against the tall hard strength of him, to feel his weight on her, his hands in her hair or about her waist and hips, to be able to hold him and move beneath him and move her lips down his throat across his shoulder…
Oh, where did all my anger go? she wondered as she waited motionless, because in spite of what she felt she was terribly afraid of being rejected again.
Then she was glad she had waited, although it occurred to her that it hadn’t been very brave, but Adam pulled the edges of her blouse together over her breasts and said, ‘Roz, it might not have been made in heaven, our marriage, but I have no intention of ending it. Have you? Seriously, I mean, and not because I provoked you this morning, for which l apologise.’
‘Then,’ She licked her lips, ‘do you believe that l didn’t encourage Nicky?’ she asked huskily.
‘Yes. Unfortunately it all came at me out of the blue this morning. But have you?’
‘Not really,’ she whispered. ‘No.’
‘You have said …’
‘I know,’ she interrupted. ‘I get very confused sometimes and I guess I have thought about it, but,’ she sighed, ‘I’ve never been able to visualise it.’
‘Then has it worried you that it might have been what l had in mind, despite my assurances to the contrary? No, Roz,’ he pulled her a bit closer as she stirred restlessly, ‘don’t shy away from it. Tell me.’
She swallowed and wondered dismally what to say. Yes? But not for the reasons you think … Could I say it?
‘Yes, but Adam…’
‘Look, it’s all right.’ His lips twisted into a smile. ‘I’d feel the same way if I thought you were determined to leave me, because despite everything, we have forged some ties between us. And because I also take some responsibility for this state of affairs.’ He grimaced and smoothed her hair. ‘A lot, the lion’s share actually, because I had hoped to do better, make you happy, and I had hoped to make you at least feel secure and relaxed. And that’s why, when it became so obvious I was only succeeding in the opposite direction, I decided we should do this. Not this,’ he corrected with a grin. ‘But not,’ he went on, ‘because I was trying to ease you out of this marriage, as you seem to think. I could find a much simpler way of doing that if I were so minded,‘ Roz, as l think you must know. But I also gave you my word once. ’
Her lashes fluttered up and down.
‘Do you understand, Roz?’
‘Yes. You’re going to get up and … no, Adam,’ she said urgently; as she saw his mouth harden, ‘I do understand, really I do, and I won’t make any more scenes. I’m sorry I’ve been so dumb about it.’
‘I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible,’ he replied with another twisted smile. ‘But I came home in a bad mood and …’ He stopped rather abruptly. ‘Because of me not understanding?’ whispered Roz.
He was silent, looking past her for a moment. ‘Because of something that happened to me that l didn’t …expect,’ he said at last.
‘While you were away?’
‘Mmm.’ His eyes focused back on her face.
‘Could you tell me about it?’ she asked diffidently.
‘One day,’ he said slowly. ‘Perhaps … oh hell!’ he added as they heard the sound of a car driving up to the house, ‘that will be Margaret and Richard. Want to come down and give me the benefit of your moral support? Unless,’ he stopped as if struck by something, ‘Margaret likes the idea of Richard and Nicky?’ He looked at her searchingly.
‘I don’t think so,’ Roz said slowly.
‘You’ve spoken to her about it?’
‘No, but she said something once, only I didn’t know what she meant at the time. Now—well, once I knew what was going on a lot of little things fell into place. It was quite strange, like a kaleidoscope … Yes,’ she disengaged herself and sat up, ‘I will come down, but I’ll get properly dressed first. Don’t … ‘
‘What? Lose my temper?’
She smiled faintly.
‘You must be feeling better,’ he said.
‘… Yes.’
Adam, was still lying back, with a sort of lazy, twisted grace as if he was reluctant to move, and she was amazed and saddened by the clamouring impulse she felt to lie back in his arms and do what she had not had the courage to do before, but how? she asked herself. If there’s a way I don’t seem to know it.