The same time the next evening they were on their honeymoon.
* * *
‘Roz?’
‘Mmm?’
‘All right?’
‘Yes. Fine,’ she had said sleepily, and stirred in his arms and woke up a bit. ‘Was it all right—I mean, was I any good?’
Their luxury hotel room in Cairns, their stepping—off point for a honeymoon exploring Far North Queensland, was silent.
Then Adam had said, ‘You were all I expected you to be. ‘Very sweet, a little scared, and even lovelier than I thought.’ He ran his fingers slowly down her body.
‘I thought it might hurt a lot more,’ she had confided. ‘I didn’t really know what to expect.’
‘l don’t believe in hurting little young, scared creatures.‘
‘You make me sound like a rabbit,’ she’d said indignantly but with a giggle. ‘I’m not so little, am I?’
‘Compared to me you are,’ he had said gravely.
‘But I mean—oh, you know what I mean…’ She broke off as his hand moved up to touch her breasts. ‘Well, they’re not very big, I know,’ she had whispered, and felt her cheeks grow warm.
She had felt him laugh silently and had tensed, but he had held her closer and said, ‘They’re perfect, just like the rest of you—exquisite is the right word, I think, Roz.’
She had fallen asleep soon afterwards in his arms again, feeling almost lightheaded with relief, because it had taken all her nerve to go to bed with Adam Milroy and she had been sure she would be stiff with tension and—yes, doubt and disbelief. But as sleep had claimed her she was only able to be glad she had stuck to her decision to accept this side of married life and clamped down so hard on all her fears and uncertainties and tried to behave as a wife should straight away. Because in doing so she had discovered that she could handle it, that there was nothing specially terrifying about it and that Adam was patient and gentle and,… just so nice.
And her last thought had been, anyway, if you marry someone for whatever reason, it’s only sensible to do your best, isn’t it?
CHAPTER FIVE
‘So went wrong, Roz?’
Roz got up and crossed to the window. She sighed as the question she had asked herself seemed to echo around her beautiful bedroom at Little Werrington, and stared down at the moonlit driveway as Angelo appeared from beneath the veranda and jumped into his sporty little Datsun. Amy followed suit, but for a time, it sounded as if her elderly car wasn’t going to start, then it did reverberatingly, proclaiming to the world that it had a hole in the silencer.
Roz couldn’t help smiling, because Amy was hopeless with cars, to the despair of her family, who were fond of saying she only had to look at one for it to go wrong. But Adam was very fond of Amy, she knew, and always said she had other, redeeming qualities, like her talent for music. But then Adam was very good with his young relatives—young things altogether, she thought, and if only I could have a baby …
She pulled herself up and thought, no, be honest with yourself, Roz, that’s a problem, but not the only one. So many. things went wrong. Seeing that house on fire after our honeymoon on the way home from the airport …
She bit her lip, remembering the sirens of the ambulances and the fire engines and another fire that had haunted her dreams from the day she had seen the second one until she wondered often if she would ever forget. And how those awful memories had kept the others alive, the Howards, Mr Howard… that’s what went wrong, she thought, with sudden clarity as she waited for Richard to come out. I’ve been haunted by the spectre of falling in love with Adam—who doesn’t believe in love anyway—haunted by the prospect of falling prey to those complex emotions that being really physically attracted to someone seems to plunge you into …I’ve been terrified by the way I’ve found myself wanting shim, because after Mr Howard I hated the thought of it. But it’s not only that, it’s so much more—it must be, or why would I be feeling so unhappy and jealous and helpless? Why?
She rubbed her eyes wearily and whispered aloud, starkly, ‘You did fall in love with him, Roz, why won’t you admit it‘? You not only want him but you need him, you’re lost without him, and everything else you’ve ever tried to tell yourself means nothing. You thought you could direct your life with him, you thought you could keep a part of yourself aloof and untouched—you’ve fought him for the right to be able to do that, and only now, when you’ve achieved it, do you realise what a hollow victory it is. And you were so wrapped up in your memories and your problems you never stopped to think of him until it was too late. You even gave him cause to think you were still pining for Mike… what a fool you were, Roz! Perhaps you even had a chance to…make him feel the same way about you—and you just let it slip through your fingers …