“I only knew the name of one of the guys he talked about a lot. I searched the little bit of information I had to find the house. But I have no idea when he goes there or if he is staying there full time.” She pulled from my grip, and I let her go. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and began to pace. “What if he’s not there?”
I pushed from the couch and stood in her path. “I will find him.” She stopped abruptly, her eyes filled with uncertainty. “I’m sorry I lied to you about who I was.”
She raised her hand slowly and brushed her fingertips across my temple and into my hair. “They are just things you’ve done, not who you are.”
“You have no idea who I am. It’s better that way.”
“I know most people would have looked the other way in that alley, but you didn’t. You saved me.”
“I nearly killed that guy. I would have killed him if you weren’t there. You were terrified…of me.”
“I wasn’t scared of you. I was scared of myself. I wanted him dead. I wanted him to suffer. He deserved to suffer.”
I ran my hands through my hair as I turned away from her. “You didn’t want that. Not really.” I turned back to her. “Thinking it and doing it are two different things, Ella.”
“You don’t know what I want.”
I nodded, swallowing back the lump in my throat. “I do.” I reached up slowly and tucked her long hair behind her ear, letting my fingers trail over her cheek before it fell to my side. I looked down from her tank top to her jogging shorts, desperate for the same thing, and no longer able to deny myself.
Inevitable
Chapter 30—Ella
Inevitable: certain to happen; unavoidable
His fingertips slid over the raised scars on my thigh, and I closed my eyes, forcing myself to ignore the embarrassment that welled inside of me.
“We all have scars, Ella. Some of us just have them on the inside.” His voice was gravelly and quiet. My body shivered as his warm breath blew over my ear.
“Where are yours?” I slowly opened my eyes as his long fingers wrapped around mine. He lifted my hand and placed it on his chest, directly over his heart. I could feel his pulse racing under my fingertips. The pained expression on his face mirrored what I was feeling inside. It was hard to let someone in, to trust him, when so many have let you down in the past.
I’d had sex with several men over the years, but letting them get to know me, to see the real me, was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I’d felt exposed, naked, under his gaze, and I was still wearing every stitch of my clothing. The worst part of it all, I could feel him pulling back. The idea of letting him in and knowing the hurt was inevitable felt like I was hovering over a flame. The warmth was comforting, but it would soon become all consuming. It would eventually devour me, destroy me. But I couldn’t walk away.
He took his free hand and slowly raised it, never breaking eye contact as he placed it on the center of my chest. My lips parted, and shallow, shaky breaths were the only sound we made. Soon we breathed in unison, heavier as gravity seemed to pull us closer together. I could taste the mint as his air became mine. His mouth opened wider, and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead, he spoke.
“I want to see all of your scars, in the light.”
“They’re ugly.” I tried to pull my hand from under his, but he held it tightly against him.
“Nothing about you could ever be ugly.”
I dropped my gaze to his chest, and he bent his knees slightly to catch my eye again. “Nothing.”
My teeth dug into the sensitive flesh of my lower lip as he let go of my hand and removed the other from my chest. His fingertips curled around the bottom of my shirt, and he slowly began to raise it. I was glad he could no longer feel my heartbeat because it was pounding rapidly with every inch of my body that became exposed. The pad of his thumb lightly brushed against my skin and over my ribs as I struggled to control my breathing.
My mind raced with uncertainty, the panic spreading from my belly and winding its way through every fiber of my being. Ryder inched closer and pressed his forehead against mine, and the voices were silenced. My eyes fell closed as I let myself be absorbed by him, to focus on his breathing, which he had deliberately slowed. I matched my breaths to his, and his hands began to move my shirt further, over my ribs. They went behind my back as he reached my shoulder blades.
I stepped back fractionally as he pulled it over my head, his eyes never dropping below my face.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, unable to swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat. He dropped the shirt at his side and looped his fingers in the band of my shorts. Slowly, painfully slowly, he dragged his fingers down my hips and over the tops of my thighs until the fabric fell free and dropped to my feet.