“Do you want to know the worst part of all of this?” I’m not sure I really do, but I can’t say no. Not with him looking as if he is about to fall completely to pieces before me.
“It was knowing that you would blame yourself.”
A bitter laugh escapes as I nod. “You always did know me too well.”
Bastien slips down onto the floor, kneeling beside me. “I don’t expect you to say anything or even respond in any way. I just… You deserved to know nothing has changed.”
He starts to leave, but I reach out and grasp his hand. He turns, surprised. “Tomorrow, we leave for battle…” I trail off, feeling heat stain my cheeks.
“Yes.”
I know it isn’t fair for me to ask, but I do all the same. “Will you stay with me? I just… I need to be held.”
I know what this request costs him. I can see it in his eyes as he nods and helps me rise. He turns his back as I peel out of my jeans and slip under the covers. Crossing the room, he opens the cupboard and pulls down a spare blanket.
The mattress creaks as he sinks down on the bed beside me. He slowly unties his boots and sets them aside. He pauses with his hand over his zipper, and I hold my breath, wondering if I should turn away. Glancing over his shoulder at me, he meets my gaze, holding it for a moment before he twists and lies down beside me, covering his fully clothed form with the blanket.
I roll onto my side, my mind a mess of doubts and fears until he turns to cradle me. Stretching his arm around me, he cups my elbow in his hand and rests his cheek against my back. I breathe out a slow breath and close my eyes, comforted by his presence.
Fifteen
Warm sunlight streams down onto my face through the window, glowing beyond my eyelids. I don’t want to move for fear of breaking the spell that sleep has woven over me, calm and peaceful.
I blink as I wipe away the last dregs of sleep. The snowbirds call forth the new day, and I must rise. As I stretch my arms overhead, bending them to accommodate the headboard, I instantly become aware of the fact that I’m alone in the bed.
Placing my hand on Bastien’s pillow, I realize he has been gone some time. His warmth has fled, yet his scent still lingers. Rising up onto my elbows, I see that his blanket has been neatly folded and left on the chair.
I don’t remember him leaving me during the night. He must have tiptoed out in the early hours before dawn.
A smile crosses my lips as I roll over to find a single flower laid across the pillow. I lift it and breathe deep its rich aroma. Bastien, I sigh inwardly. If only you could be mine.
A deep exhaustion still clings to my body as I push back the covers and double over into a full stretch. My muscles are sore and weary, unprepared for the battle that lies ahead. Today we’ll begin our journey to Drakon’s base. By nightfall, we’ll be deep in enemy territory.
The ever-present reality that this might be my last day on Earth hits me as I run my hand over the space Bastien lay upon. My nails trail over the silky emerald blanket as I resist the urge to scoot to his side of the bed, just to feel close to him again.
Let me go while you still can, I think as I glance about the room, taking in all the small details that Bastien knew only I would appreciate. Pillows are piled high around the headboard, far more than any guy would ever need or want. It is only now that I realize there are white eyelet lace curtains framing the frosted windows and real glass in the frame, not plastic or worn spare material. The mums smell lovely as they stretch toward the light of the sun. The vivid yellows, oranges, and reds are brilliantly backlit. This is a room I could’ve fallen in love with under different circumstance.
Grasping a small jug perched upon a stool beside the sink, I pour clean water to wash up with, finally cleaning away the dirt, grime, and tears from my body. I take the time to wash out my hair, towel drying the excess moisture from my long strands before heading for the wooden closet where I dumped my bag yesterday.
I bend over to reach for my bag but realize the door is ajar. Drawing the door toward me, I’m inundated by the scent of Bastien. I close my eyes as I try to deny how easily it affects me, dredging up memories of being in his arms. I slam the door shut and turn away, my hands shaking slightly as I dig out my black uniform top and pair it with my camo pants. I need a day of being me instead of who everyone else expects me to be.
I’ll no doubt stand out when I walk through camp, but to be honest, after yesterday’s meltdown, I don’t think there are too many people who aren’t going to stop and stare.
It takes me longer to lace up my boots than it should, the quiver in my fingers not having faded completely. I run my fingers through my hair and consider winding it into a bun but decide against it, letting my damp hair flow freely down to the middle of my back.