He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls my face into his chest. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and as I think of all the nights I’ve lied awake agonizing over whether I should tell him my secret. He kisses my forehead as he takes my face in his hands and tilts my chin up.
“I love you so fucking much, it hurts to know that you’ve been carrying this inside of you.” He pauses for a moment as he looks into my eyes and I can feel something bad is coming next. “It kills me to know that you didn’t trust me enough to share it with me. And it scares me that you didn’t share something so important with someone who was supposed to be your first love.” He leans his forehead against mine and sucks in a sharp breath. “I love you, but I need some time to figure this out.”
I pull my head back and nod because I couldn’t speak if I tried.
“This doesn’t mean I want to break up.”
“I know,” I whisper as I stand up and reach into my back pocket for my phone.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to call Senia to pick me up.”
“You don’t have to leave.”
“I know, but you need some time to think and you’ll probably want to do that without me here.”
Just saying these words aloud makes my chest ache.
He stands and takes the phone from my hand. “Don’t go. We need to talk. I don’t want you to go.”
I draw in a long stuttered breath as he takes my hand in his and leads me to the bed. He lays my phone on the nightstand and we lie next to each other, just staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. I think of all the times I could have told him; all the times I should have told him. Then I think of whether I should tell him that Chris kissed me. Did I kiss him back? I can’t remember.
It feels like an eternity goes by before I finally speak. “One of the foster homes I stayed in for a few months had a pregnant German Shepherd. Her name was April. April gave birth to three gorgeous puppies while I was there and I remember the look on April’s face when my foster mother took the puppies away to clean them up. It was a mixture of confusion and gratitude.” I pause for a moment as I remember the day I gave birth. Senia covered my face with a sheet so I couldn’t see the baby as they pulled it out of me, cleaned it up, and wheeled it away. “I think I could be a good mother, but part of me thinks that might not be possible because a small part of me was grateful when they took my baby away from me. I just kept thinking how grateful I was that my baby would never have to go through what I went through with my mother.”
Adam slips his hand under my neck and beckons me into his nook. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe the smell of him mixed with the scent of rain.
“I think you’ll make a great mother someday.” He brushes my hair out of my face and strokes my cheek as he continues. “I saw you with those kids at Shell Island last Saturday. They loved you. Especially Ethan. I was getting a little jealous of you and Ethan.”
“Shut up.”
“Claire, I meant it when I said you have a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. It may have been your wicked dance moves that attracted me to you initially, but it was the way you care for Cora that hooked me. I found myself thinking of good deeds I could do to impress you.” I chuckle and he continues. “I know. It’s pretty pathetic, but that’s when I realized you were making me into the person I want to be; someone better than who I was before I moved to Wrightsville.”
“It’s not pathetic, but it’s exactly the opposite of how I felt about you.”
“So you’re saying I made you into a worse person than you were before I moved in?”
“Yes, and no.” He pokes my side and I push his hand away as I compose myself. “You pushed me to do things that made me uncomfortable. I was sleeping, literally. I was meditating sometimes ten times a day just to push the memories out of my mind. You were right when you said I was self-medicating. I haven’t meditated once today, and today might be the second most stressful day of my life. You’ve helped me in ways that you can’t even imagine.”
“I haven’t smoked in over a week.”
“You haven’t? Why?”
“I told you I wouldn’t smoke around you and you spent the night in my apartment four times this week. Plus, I just haven’t really been craving it as much.” He slips his arm and shoulder out from under my head and flips onto his side so he’s facing me and I do the same. “I need to ask you a question.”
He pauses as if he’s asking for permission to proceed. I milk the moment as I let my gaze wander over his face, committing his features to memory.