Adam stands up and scoots aside so I can stand. Henry looks up at me from his desk with a sad look in his eyes. He’s disappointed that I can’t take the money my mother intended for me. I wonder silently if he ever had a relationship with my mother. How could someone so kind and straight-laced as Henry be so fiercely protective of a heroin addict who committed suicide and extorted money from her rapist?
I know my mother had a hard life. I didn’t know anyone who’d had a more difficult life than her. But that was no excuse for what she did. She left me homeless, drifting from one family to the next, never staying anywhere long enough to form any true friendships. Maybe she thought she was doing me a favor by tearing herself out of my life. Maybe she thought I would end up with a good family right away. She didn’t know it would take eight years for me to arrive on the Knight’s doorstep.
“I just have one more question,” I say as Adam and I reach the office door. “If my mom knew she was going to kill herself, why didn’t she call the police before she did it? Why didn’t she send me to the neighbors or something? Why did she make me stay there with her?”
Henry heaves a deep sigh. “I don’t know.”
“Are you sure you still want to go to dinner? We can stay at the hotel room and talk. Or we can go home. It’s up to you.”
I shake my head and close my eyes as I lean back against the headrest in the truck. “I don’t want to make any more decisions today. You decide.”
“Okay, we’re going home.”
“No! I want to see Senia tonight. Just go to the hotel and we can hang out there until dinner.”
“Anything you want.”
After we check in at the hotel, we go up to our room and curl up on the bed.
“I want to know what it’s like to not feel lost,” I say as I rest my head on Adam’s shoulder and he strokes my hair.
“I don’t know if anybody ever gets there, but we can try.”
“My mom and I used to play this game whenever someone knocked on our front door. She would face the door while I chose one of three hiding places: under the bed, in the closet, or in the nook between the fridge and the wall. As soon as she got rid of whoever was at the door, she’d come looking for me. If I was hiding in the first place she looked, she got to tickle me. I think of stuff like that then I think of the things Henry just told me and I don’t think I ever knew my mother.”
“None of this has to make any sense to you right now.”
“The thing is, it does make sense. She didn’t want to live. I almost don’t blame her for ending her life after everything she went through.” I curl my fingers around a piece of his shirt and squeeze tightly. “The worst part is that I still want her here. Even after everything I’ve learned today. And part of me knows that if I had been braver, if I had called 9-1-1 right away, she might still be here.”
“You don’t know that. You said it yourself; you don’t blame her after everything she went through. If you had saved her that day, she probably would have found another way to do it.”
I don’t say anything because he’s right. My mother didn’t want to live, not even for me.
“I’m just so angry with her.”
“One thing they taught us in anger management—”
“Oh, no,” I mutter.
He pokes my side and continues his pep talk over my laughter. “Go ahead laugh, but I’m serious. I know you like to meditate, but they taught us in anger management class to let go of the anger by imagining what you would say to the person you’re angry with if you forgave them. What would you say to your mom to let her know you’ve forgiven her?”
I pause for a moment to think about this. There are so many things I’d say to her. I’ve spent countless nights lying in bed unable to sleep as I imagine the conversations we’d have if she were still alive.
I sit up on the bed and cross my legs as if I’m going to meditate. “I would tell her that I love her and that I know she did what she thought she needed to do to make the aching go away. I would tell her that I’m sorry about what happened to her and how I wish I was the one who could have healed her.”
Adam sits up and grabs my hands. “What else?”
“I’d thank her for thinking of my future. I’d thank her for loving me and taking care of me the only way she knew how.” I bite my lip as I look up. Adam’s eyes are completely focused, urging me on. “I’d tell her that I miss her so much.”
He pulls me toward him as I sob into his shoulder. “You’re going to be okay,” he says, planting a kiss on my forehead. “Because you have a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. And my mom always says that life is a game and he, or she, who has the biggest heart wins.”