We start moving forward, staying in the brushy cover of the woods surrounding the cabin. When we reach the edge, I take a breath to move forward. I’m at the base of the steps along the small wooden porch when I see it. The small pinpoint red light flashing on my pants leg. It’s connected to something that’s mounted underneath the step. It’s way too small of an area for a gun, but I’ve been in the military and I’ve dealt with this shit way too long. I also know what the Donahue’s calling card is.
One word registers in my brain before I call out. Bomb.
“Fall back!” I scream. “Fall back! It’s a—”
I’m still calling out while running backwards and pulling Briar with me when the bomb ignites. The force of the blast is a heated inferno at my back. It pushes us off our legs and up in the air as we’re thrown a good ten feet. I slam hard against the rocky ground, feeling debris hit me and all around. I lay there, the wind knocked out of my body. Disappointment fills me. Colin set this up. Whoever was in this cabin, it wasn’t him. Not this time.
But I will get him.
One Week Later
It’s been one week. One week since I’ve had Beth back under my roof. One full week and I’ve barely spoken to her. One full week of having her close. That should make me feel better. Instead, I feel dead. So cold and empty, I wonder sometimes how I’m breathing. How I’m existing. I’m pulled to her, even as I never want to see her again. My head is so fucked up, it may never be right again. I can’t figure out how I can be so fucking mad at a woman and yet want her at the same time.
And I do want her. Sometimes I wake up at night in a cold sweat after dreaming of having her. It’s ridiculous. I can’t stand to look at her, but yet every night I sneak in her fucking room after I’m sure she’s sleeping and I watch her like some fucking stalker.
Tonight is no exception. She’s lying in the bed. The sheet has fallen down around her stomach exposing the soft, white, cotton gown she’s wearing. The V of the neck has been pulled while she tossed and turned and it exposes the soft swell of her right breast. I fist my hands at my side to prevent myself from reaching out and ripping the gown away from her body. A body I remember like the back of my hand. A body I fucking yearn for.
A body that haunts me.
How could she have done this to us? To me? How can you say you love someone when you nearly destroy them with your lies—with not trusting them? I’ve told her I hated her, and she thinks I truly do. It would be so much easier if I could. I want to. I’m spending my time fucking pounding the life out of Pistol because if I don’t, I wouldn’t be able to contain my anger. I’m barely doing it now. What would Beth think if she knew just how much of an animal her coming back has turned me into?
And if I’m honest, that’s why I’m so mad at her. I was starting to put my life back together. Pick up the pieces I was left in when she… died. Seeing Dragon and Nicole together, watching how they are both willing to give up their lives for each other… it reminded me that love is real. It reminded me what it was like to share a connection with someone above all others. I miss it. I was actively searching for it. I was starting to live again.
Then, in the blink of an eye, Beth set my world upside down again.
The fucking Donahues have come close to destroying me, and I’ve still been unable to find Colin. After the messed-up search for them in Georgia, I drove straight back home and continued searching them out. I’m getting nowhere. They’ve picked a mighty big rock to crawl under, but I won’t stop. I will get them and I will have my revenge. Until then, however, I’m here watching Beth and just remembering.
I’m back to where I was the day that boat exploded. I’m back in this fucking hole, feeling like the world is closing in on me and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it. Having Beth back should have brought me joy. Instead, it makes me wish I was dead because I don’t want any more pain. It might make me a fucking pussy, but that’s the simple truth. Losing her once destroyed me. Finding out she lives and it’s all been some fucking… lie?
It’s killed me.
I back out of the room and close the door, calming my heart and breathing. Breathing. For so long, I don’t think I was breathing at all, at least not consciously. Now, every breath is labored and each intake is filled with the scent of Beth’s perfume, and it’s painful.
It hurts to breathe. That’s her fault too.
I want her gone. I need her gone.
And I can’t let her go.
I hear the door close and I turn on my back, letting the tears fall. I did this. I destroyed the love we had. He’s right. Nicole’s right. They all are. I should have tried harder to get back to him. He doesn’t understand why I didn’t. Some days I don’t, myself. I was nineteen basically, scared, tired, and emotionally scarred. I just had a baby and almost died. Getting that damn note, seeing those pictures, it was like some giant cosmic sign that I needed to just… give it up. I never should have been with Skull. I knew better, I just couldn’t make myself stay away.