“So have I, mi cielo. More than you know.”
“I don’t want to lose you again, Skull. I don’t think I could handle it a second time,” I whisper, letting my fingers slide in between his, loving the way his large hand swallows mine, and the dark ink of his tattoos stands out holding my pale white skin.
“I’m going nowhere, Beth. We’re going to get it right this time. There’s no other alternative,” he tells me, squeezing my hand.
“You promise?” I ask, looking up at his face for reassurance.
“Lo prometo,” he tells me, bending down to kiss me. As his tongue pushes into my mouth, I suck on it, humming with happiness. Skull has a taste that is all him. Elemental, sweet, spicy, and delicious man. I’m addicted to it.
His hand moves down to my gown, which falls to just below my knee. He lets his callused fingers brush against my leg.
“What do you say we get rid of this gown, and I prove to you I’m here and I’m not going anywhere?”
Nervousness pushes through my system hard and fast. Fear. The same fear that has crippled me. The same fear that made me swallow the lies Pistol organized when I gave birth to Gabby. The same fear that kept me away from Skull for years. The same fear that deep down inside makes me hear the voice that says Skull is too beautiful, too amazing to settle for someone scarred, ugly, and dirty. Shame… shame is a powerful force.
“Skull…” I whisper, holding his hand tight and keeping him from pushing my nightgown up my body.
“Beth, you have to know that I love you. Christo! Have I not shown you that since we have started over?”
“I’m just not ready, Skull. I need time.”
His eyes bore into me and I know he wants to demand I give in. Part of me wants him to, because if he did, then he could see it and the fear of the unknown would be over.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him to just go ahead when he lets out a tired sigh. “If I turn the lights out?”
“Can I keep the gown on? It makes me feel… safer,” I tell him, knowing what those words reveal.
“Mi dulce tortura, you can have anything you want.”
My sweet torture. His words make tears in my eyes. Why can’t I give myself to him without worry? Why do I keep holding onto this fear? Why can’t I be stronger?
“Skull…”
He bends down and kisses the tears that are escaping. “Do not cry, mi cielo. This is just another hurdle. We will clear it together when you’re ready to fight it,” he tells me, right before he reaches over and hits the ceiling fan remote, making the room go dark. I know he can feel the scars on my stomach and thighs, but feeling small marks is nothing like seeing them. I’m going to have to give in soon and let him see it all.
I worry about it, but when Skull’s fingers move between my legs, I give up worrying all together.
He drags his fingers through my wetness, slowly pushing inside of me. I’m so wet, you can hear his fingers thrusting in and out of me. I spread my legs, accepting his weight as he crawls over me.
“How do you want me, mi cielo? Tonight, you tell me exactly what you want.” His breath is against my skin, warm.
I open my eyes slowly, mourning that I can’t see him in the darkness. I see the shadow of his face, and his dark eyes glow down at me, inky and intense.
“Love me, Skull,” I whisper, asking for more than just sex. I just need to know he’s here with me and he’s not going anywhere.
In response, he does the last thing I expect. He reaches over and turns the light back on. I cry out and tense up, but Skull instantly brushes my hair with his large hand.
“Shh… be calm, mi cielo. This is all we’ll do,” he tells me, pulling the covers over his body so they shield us both. Then, he reaches under them, pushing my gown up to my hips. My body is still tight. Fear causes my blood to rush in my ears. A sick feeling curls in my stomach because I feel so weak and stupid, but I can’t get the words or actions out to show him my body. Skull seems to understand though, because he commands me to look at him.
“Look at me, mi cielo. Let me be your anchor. Don’t get lost in the memories. They’re gone.”
“Skull…”
“I love you, Beth. I’ve always loved you. I always will. Nothing else matters. I know that’s hard for you to understand, but it’s true. Look at my eyes. Watch me as I claim you,” he says, his voice gravelly and full of need.
I swallow and keep our eyes locked as he slowly slides inside of me. I pull my legs up to cradle him as he sinks all the way inside. When he’s gone as deep as he can, he doesn’t move. He just stays there, his eyes boring into mine.